To think it's not UR to ask what ethnicity someone is?

[FlobberWobber]

To me, it's not rude, I lived abroad for 10 years and was often asked where I came from, it was just asked out of genuine interest.

DD is mixed race, my other DC aren't and I'm often asked in a round about way, " Oh wow, they look so different..." then I have to explain. I don't really mind. Yesterday someone said they had been dying to ask me what ethnicity DD was but thought they may sound rude, I've heard similar things said, but to me it's not rude at all to ask, aibu?

I used to tell them my ethnic origins when they asked but now? I say I'm from 'Near Birmingham' which totally screws with their tiny minds.

When DD first started school it was one of the first things people would ask as they saw my other DC looked quite different to DD. It happened so many times and by people I had never met before so yes I got a bit bored of explaining to people I didn't know and felt like saying DD looked like the milkman to see what reaction I'd get.

I have a friend who's partner is half Indian. They have 4 DC, 2 who are blonde, pale & blue eyed and 2 who have dark eyes, dark skin and dark brown hair. I was always curious about their heritage but waited until she told me.

I think there's a difference between saying something to a new acquaintance like 'Oh, is that an Italian surname/American accent?' and asking about someone's ethnicity, which too often shades into 'But where do you come from really?' or encountering people who just cannot get their heads around the fact that not all Irish people are white.

OP, in the example you gave yourself, do you not find it offensive that people (presumably people you hardly know, or they would know the answer) are essentially asking you about how many fathers your children have, and what race they are ? I would find that pretty nosy, personally.

Someone I know who was one of these gap year types who'd gone traveling. He was very earnestly asking the waiter at our local Indian which part of India he was from.

He was rather surprised to hear it was somewhere in India that he hadn't heard of called Catford.

I used to get asked this all the time when I was younger. I have dark hair, eyes and light olive skin. Now, I don't get asked because there are a lot more people who look more 'exotic' than me. However, when I took DS camping by myself last year, an elderly gentleman asked me if DS's dad was a 'new Australian'. I explained that he is from India originally and the man said "Oh, I meant Greek or Italian!!". I had completely forgotten that the term 'new Australian' was widely used to describe immigrants from southern Europe about ... fifty years ago! . DS does look it though - he got my light skin, big brown eyes and very curly light brown hair (thanks to a blonde gene from my dad).

I have a foreign surname, and when people ask I never think they are being rude, just interested.

Except:
A few weeks ago some guy asked my friend where she was from...
Liverpool.
No, where are you actually from, your parents?
Um, Liverpool.
No, what's your heratige, you're not fully English!?
No, I am, my parents and their parents and as far back as I know are English!
Well you don't look very English. (Said in a huffy voice)

She looks very English, pale with brown hair!

I think it's best not to until you know the person.

I'm white and clearly from America, and I get heartily bored with telling people that I am from Ohio. I think it would be much worse if I thought the answer might have negative baggage.

I have asked people where their family are from before, as they could easlily be more local than me if asking where they're from.

DH obviously has a foreign accent so gets it a lot. I get asked where I'm from as my accent is not local. The technical answer is 40 miles away, but that still doesn't explain the accent which is from somewhere else. Not sure what the DC's accent will sound like but DH's ethnic origin won't be obvious (until they have to write their middle names)

People quite often ask about dd's heritage (she is mixed race), or they ask about our surname, which is "forrin". I don't mind at all, but I wouldn't usually ask a stranger questions like these, as I know some people find it intrusive.

The only time I might ask is if I think someone has the same mix of ethnic heritage as dd, but even then, I tend to hold back and just wait for it to come out in conversation.

YANBU. My daughter only noticed recently the woman from CBeebies had one arm (did you know loads of parents complained about her?!) and she plays at school with the "girl with the brown face". Absolutely nothing wrong with pointing out differences if they are accepted. It is only adults that make racist remarks, it all depends upon the intention.

I think sometimes it can be quite rude, depending on how the question is asked and the assumptions behind it.

My DH is Russian, and the first question people ask when they hear his accent is "Where are you from?" He hates that question. He doesn't find it rude, he just finds it annoying. Half the time he fabricates a completely false answer.

I'm always happy to answer. It's actually nice knowing that people are interested and I'm interested in others.

I'm black, my kids are mixed race, and I absolutely loathe questions like that. I find them really damn rude. If someone's a friend, it would've come up in conversation already, and if they're not a friend, what business is it of theirs?

I would also suggest that your DD may potentially have a different perspective on it than you do as she gets older. Maybe she'll be fine with it, but you may want to prepare yourself for the possibility that she will get upset. Especially as she's the only non-white child in the family, and therefore the visibly "different" one. She'll figure out sooner or later that her siblings aren't getting this type of question.

My kids get upset if they're out with DH alone and someone asks this type of question. They realize the subtext is that there's something wrong with the idea of this white guy having brown kids. DH used to be more laid-back about it, and say, "Oh, people are just curious," but he's changed his mind as time's gone on. It gets tiresome for him too, having virtual strangers accost him in the playground and loudly ask him if his kids are adopted or where they're from.

Your mileage may vary, obviously, but that's my take on it.

YABU, I am half Asian and sometimes when I am out and about you can see the curiosity on peoples faces but it's my business what my ethnicity is, not theirs. Obviously if I really get to know someone and build a rapport with them then I don't mind but I don't think it's polite to pry and ask "where are you from"?, as if it really matters. Obviously if someone looks different you will wonder and be curious but you control it and not be rude asking personal things.

I am mixed race, british and living in France. I'm always getting asked usually starting with 'Oh, you have a petit accent, where are you from?' When I reply the UK I get very surprised looks and often ' but you don't look like an english rose, where are you really from?'

I hope you see now OP that people who have actually experienced this first hand (as in about them, not only their kids) fucking hate it.
So YAstillBU - listen to us. And listen to your kids in future if they ever report this to you, don't just dismiss it by saying how lucky they are they don't burn in the sun and how proud they should be! FFS.
Solidarity with Canuck, MyBaby and purple

I think it is very rude to ask a stranger, but in a new friendship in the right context there often comes a time when friends celebrate each other's stories, early experiences, received culture, traditions, family history and travels. But with no context, knowing nothing else about a person, ethnicity tells someone very little about you, unless in the context of a wider acceptance, it can be turned into a gossip and judgement founded on ignorance.

I don't think it's rude to be interested. I think it IS rude for it to be one of the very first things that someone asks - this can come across as if ones's genetic heritage was going to be a deciding factor on whether you are going to be friends. But once you know someone it's fine to be interested and to ask politely.

canuck What does your DH say in response to the rude questions?

The thing is OP you are not the subject of the curiosity/ nosiness. When I first moved to the Netherlands strangers would always ask me "Where do you come form" and I would always reply London. Of course that would always be followed up with a "but where do your parents come from" and I would always say I would tell them if they told me how much they earned. Of course I would always get the 'none of your business' stare and I would always say right back at ya.

One of my favourite things to do when people stare at me is to catch their gaze and stare right back, watching them squirm when they receive a dose of their own rudeness is both satisfying and empowering.

There no problem with curiosity but it doesn't mean the subject of your curiosity has to satisfy it.

Very well put Isetan

It varies. Sometimes it's "They're from Canada," and other times it's "My, what a strange question." I find it slightly hilarious because DH is usually so polite. Nice, well-brought-up English boy, and all that. I went out with him in the first place partly because he had such beautiful manners, and now here I am cheering him on being rude back to rude people.

He doesn't get nearly as upset over people here asking him where he's from when they hear his English accent, he just gets a little irritated with that. POssibly because there isn't the same racist subtext, and it isn't making his kids feel insecure when people ask him about his accent.

I find it annoying - if people are patient, they will find out eventually, I cant help but dislike it when people clumsily ask.

The above was in response to SouthEastDweller's asking, "canuck What does your DH say in response to the rude questions?"