To think it's not UR to ask what ethnicity someone is?

[FlobberWobber]

To me, it's not rude, I lived abroad for 10 years and was often asked where I came from, it was just asked out of genuine interest.

DD is mixed race, my other DC aren't and I'm often asked in a round about way, " Oh wow, they look so different..." then I have to explain. I don't really mind. Yesterday someone said they had been dying to ask me what ethnicity DD was but thought they may sound rude, I've heard similar things said, but to me it's not rude at all to ask, aibu?

"People are often interested, I think it's human nature, they are not being malicious, they may just want to get to know you better, I don't see that as a bad thing."

But just because they are interested doesn't mean they have a right to ask. I suppose I feel quite strongly about this because although I look and sound incredibly British- well, incredibly English actually- I am actually a first generation immigrant with practically no English blood in me at all. But nobody would ever even think of asking me where I am from. There are loads of people who look "exotic" who are much, much more English than me- but there is never even the faintest peripheral suggestion that I don't belong here.

People get confused when I say I'm from London. I used to hate it, having been beaten up for being other. Then it got safe, but now we're in East Anglia and whilst I get the odd question, dd who has inherited my Spanish colouring gets a fair bit of abuse. For me, it really depends on how we are asked and by whom.

for me, it is right up there with

are you circumcised?
what colour is your bra today?
how often do you masturbate?
do you prefer tampons to pads, or are you a mooncup user?

i assume that if this is information i should have, the person i am speaking to will freely offer it. it is not only unecessary for me to ask, it is invasive, rude, and could be even hurtful, . particularly if the person i am speaking with is someone i know only slightly, or not at all

this is not information i am entitled to or entitled to ask about

i also do not touch stranger's hair.

Flobber - it is worrying that you seems so determined to hand wave away the reasons people may find this line of questioning to be dismissive and intrusive. I get that for you, it's just a chance to talk about your children and generally, parents do love to talk about their children.

However, it is very different when you are the subject of the questions and the subsequent opinions.

chibi -

So ethnicity for you is a bit of a taboo subject, along the lines of genitals, periods & masturbation? I think that's quite sad actually, I don't want DD growing up feeling like talking about her race is akin to telling someone how often she masturbates.

GoshAnneGorilla-

FlobberWobber Sun 13-Oct-13 09:39:53

Yes I can see that would be really annoying, absolutely, I'm not disputing that at all but that isn't what I'm talking about.

Flobber - this may be a good read for you:www.racialicious.com/2012/08/20/the-where-are-you-really-from-power-dynamic/
www.racialicious.com/2012/08/20/the-where-are-you-really-from-power-dynamic/

Gosh, as I've just said I'm not talking about 'where are you from/really from?", I'm talking about discussing ethnicity, which I feel is different. But thank you, I will read it.

it is not a taboo subject at all. it is something i would not assume i was entitled to know about someone.

i have women friends whose sanpro preference i know. we have talked about the good points of different methods of sanpro. when i was introduced to one of dh's colleagues however, i did not ask, so, are you a tampon or a pad kind of gal?

does that make sense? i don't find it sad that i recognise that i am not entitled to know whatever i fancy about a person. it seems to methe height of white privilege however to assume that ican ask anyone anything at any time, and if they find it offensive, it is sad, and their problem

I don't think 'where are you really from?' necessarily indicates that the person asking believes you don't really belong, so much as they lack the sophistication or language to express benign curiosity in the currently acceptable way.

I do this quite a bit as I come across so many people with different ethnic backgrounds in my work. I am just interested mainly because of the culture aspect and different families because I am from a rather boring, white, no culture (or class!) background. However, I have taken onboard about how it can be irritating for some. Although in my defence I ask just as many white people where there from.

I feel quite sad now that I can't ask questions as its deemed rude. I loved hearing about different families and what people do when they go visit their extended family abroad or the different religious celebrations they have.

Chibi - No, it doesn't make sense. In general you aren't entitled to know anything about anyone, but people are interested in others. To me, you seem to be saying it's some kind of taboo to discuss ethicity and I don't want my DD to grow up feeling ashamed, do you understand that? For me, it's something I want her to be proud of.
So when someone who is not white asks, as they often do, what kind of privilege is this? DD has dark eyes, skin & hair and I'm often asked by people of other ethnicity what race DD is, in a roundabout way... It's much less common to be asked by a white person, they seem to feel embarrassed.

Hi Op

I am mixed race (black mother and white father) and I am not at all offended if someone asks me. Yo can tell when someone is been an arse or genuinely interested in your heritage. Iamproud of my black and white heritage and i will happily answer tge question. I don't understand what the big deal is with this question. Although I think sometimes people can get a little sensitive.

Chibi, to what form of privilege should I attribute the numerous questions about my origin that I have fielded (mainly from recent Eastern European immigrants) in the last ten years? I'm white and British.

Maybe not unreasonable, but really really annoying and often painful when people are paying more attention to what I look like and how I say anything (accent) than anything I say or do.

Curiosity doesn't change the rules on manners and I've had so many conversations derailed and what I was saying ignored because someone "just had to ask", people who barely know me practically wanting my life story because I'm different and their curiosity mattered more than my feelings and desires for privacy. If I wanted to talk to someone about it, I would, I don't really need to be asked - I'm quite open about it, but the questions put a big target on me as there isn't really a nice way to say "I'm not really up for talking about this and playing the Other exotic curiosity right now for someone I've never met before".

I even had an extremely difficult labour made even the worse because a care staff member just had to ask about my accent, ethnicity, family background in ways that had nothing to do with medical needs and everything to do with them just wanting to know regardless of how badly I was freaking out and uncomfortable it made me. My life story shouldn't be up for grabs just because I look and sound different from what someone is used to.

Yes, it used to make me cringe because whatever the intention it seemed to me to say; 'you are not us. You are other'.

i am not ashamed of my ethnicity but i think it is beyond weird to expect that i want to discuss it with strangers,or be probed on it.

it is not a general i am interested in my fellow humans type question as 'do you enjoy knitting' or 'did you watch strictly last week'

we will have to agree to disagree.

Having a conversation about it, is entirely different and very nice. There's a difference between someone saying; oh I'm going back to see family at Xmas- and you saying oh where are you from? - to just saying hi, where are you from then?

I think it depends how the question is asked

I have often been asked but more along the lines where are your parents from does not bother me in the slightest

I think it is quite an English thing (or maybe British thing) not to be so personal. In America in my experince they think nothing of asking this and there isn't awkwardness around asking as there often is here it does not seem so I intrusive

Asking someone's ethnicity is just another way of asking where they are "from", you're being really obtuse to imply they're such hugely different questions.

Iwant - firstly, this "white people have no culture" is rubbish, what you actually mean is that your white culture is very normal and everyday to you, to the point where you don't actually notice it.

Secondly, what on earth is "sad" about waiting until someone wants to tell you their ethnicity?

Since when is it is sad to prioritise someone's boundaries and comfort level over your curiosity?

FreudiansSlipper - I was wondering about that, perhaps it is just English culture not to want to ask too many questions, especially anything deemed slightly personal? I guess I've lived abroad for too long, people would ask pretty much anything where I lived, I was quite at times!
Like I said it's more often people of other ethnicities who will ask as opposed to white English.

Flobber - the problem is that ethnicity for some goes hand in hand with where are you from.

It obviously depends on the circumstances, and if it's asked politely. Asking may just show interest, in exactly the same way as asking a Welsh person exactly where they come from does.

A GP may well need to ask, as different medical conditions affect people of different ethnicities. Perhaps asking about "foreign stock" wasn't the most polite way to ask, though.

My friend is Sri Lankan in origin and ethnically Sinhalese, but has a much more complex cultural history and upbringing.

She says what annoys her about the early question is the sense that there's something unusual and curiosity provoking about you (in her case brown skin), and that they can't rest until they've got you sorted and pigeonholed.

As opposed (I think) to a more intelligent and nuanced curiosity about someone's personal history, which seems a perfectly fair part of a developing relationship.

I have two mixed race kids whose ethnic origin is not obvious, and at the moment don't mind chatting about their background to anyone. But that's partly because it's me who gets to raise it as most assume they are white British like me.

DDs hair is darkening and I suspect she will look more like her other ethnic half as time goes on - will be interesting to see if my view changes when people start to ask