To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

Comp I hope you get this sorted out. It's important.

My XH was a bit like your DH. His family was Catholic, but by the time we met (he was 21) he had decided that he didn't believe any more - but he was scared to tell his mum. He 'pretended' to go to mass and confession. We had instruction and were married in a Catholic church so as not to upset her. He continued to pretend to conform. When our DD1 was born, I stuck my heels in and refused to have her christened. He was scared shitless and she went ballistic. Then it all calmed down and she never mentioned it again - I'm convinced she took DD1 (and DD2) to the priest in secret. I didn't really care, I'm an atheist anyway, so I didn't confront her. But the fact that XH had spent his whole childhood being completely dominated seriously affected him emotionally - too long a story to go into but basically that's why he's X.

How about on Sundays, you arrange a fun thing to do...like picnic, feeding ducks etc. Then tell ds you are doing this activity and he is welcome to come. If DH wants to drag ds to granny's, he will have to trump the lure of the fun day with you somehow or face a miserable child. If ds spends Sundays tantruming at grannys because he knows he is missing something fun maybe dh will have a change of heart!

Christmas we do alternate between my family and his for lunch but usually fit in seeing both. Can't remember if christmas has been on a day day since ds was born, think it has but don't think it was a problem. Christmas must be different...

However. Do not get me started on Mother's Day!

Blimey Compromising, YANBU at all. Your MIL sounds an absolute nightmare, tbh.

You are going to say you've never spent a Mother's Day with your DS, aren't you?

If that is the case about mothers day, ffs, you stop that RIGHT now! Bugger the conséquences! She's had her turn and now taking yours!

I'd have thrown my toys at the not being catered for TWICE!

What a dreadful woman!

Keep your family away from her!

Tell all about Mother's Day.

I have thrown my toys and the last straw was less bad than this thread

We have had Mother's Day lunch together once when we went out to a restaurant with dh's family.
That's it.
Otherwise I see ds in the morning and off they go as usual in the afternoon. Apparently I'm welcome to go to but I never have.

Yanbu, they sound awful, really inflexible, it's your child not theirs ffs.

.

You must kick this arrangement into the long grass and get some boundaries up quick and tell your dh to rediscover his back bone or go back to Mummy, sorry but what an arsehole he sounds with every post you write.

I really feel for you .

That's not right Comp.

Put your foot down. This has to stop. Your DS is your's not her's, she has had her time with her DC and shouldn't be taking over yours with your DS.

I have mentioned this on mn before but I should have known things would not be great once ds was born.

Pil booked a holiday for around about the date that ds was due. I have no idea why. They knew the date.
It turned out that ds was going to need to be born by section, as it turned out the date I was given was when they were away. Mil asked me to have ds two weeks early so that they would not be on holiday. She asked me to ask the consultant to bring the section forward by nearly two full weeks.

I don't think I've ever been as cross about anything. As it turned out ds was prem (I've never quite forgiven him!) and pil were sadly not on holiday. She then kept saying 'oh my little lad came early to see his nanny before she went on her holidays.'
Fuck off!

The Mother's Day thing is shite too. I always think it really is more of a day for mum's with wee ones - my own mum agrees though she always gets a card obviously! MIL still wants a parade....

Sometimes to get your own way you have to accept that other ppl might think or feel or say things that you might not like. The key, it seems is to not allow this to touch you. Your mil will try to be difficult about you making a change.

This is good too - i've got a lot more resilient about things like this. Before I used to fret "what if I say no what if I offend and they don't like me" - now it doesn't worry me and i'm much happier!

it just gets worse! For god's sake woman, put your foot down. It sounds like they already dislike you so what do you have to lose?

Why do you let them treat you and your son like this OP?

She asked you to have a csection early for her benefit?!?! Fuck off indeed!

Yep it would be that sort of thing that I'd find hard to forget...

I remember the early C section request, awful! I think you need to break the cycle now. By all means let DH and DS go if they want to and you have no plans, but prioritising it is madness.

Get more of that anger stirring in your gut and don't be a pushover any longer!

She's a manipulative old crone, her dh and your dh enable her, her Sundays can fuck right off.

Just take DS and take the fallout.

I bet when he is older you will want him to join in events, sports teams, go to his friend's parties /play dates, go to school events. He'll start getting homework which will have to be done. Your DH must see this.

Once you break up the routine, it will become easier.

And yes to Paris in autumn

I feel for you OP, we go to MILs each Sunday for dinner but the difference is that she is lovely and if we wanted to do something else she wouldn't say anything!

I did have to upset DM though over Christmas arrangements. We live 300 miles away and I have spent so many Christmases and New Years travelling home ( on the basis that I moved away so should make more effort) but since DS arrived I refuse to cart him and all his presents 600 miles to have Christmas somewhere that isn't his home. DM is welcome to come down and did come to MILs one Christmas but not again. I know she thinks its unfair that MIL gets to see all her GCs each Christmas but they are all local. She suggested that I have dinner at ours instead but as MIL hosts for ten of us I wasn't about to start a new tradition of having everyone to mine instead. Mil wouldn't come as a guest if we didn't invite SIL and family too (6 of them) and SIL would never offer to host.

You poor thing. I agree with everyone else, stop this now. I agreed before but the Mother's Day has really made me angry for you.

Tell H to grow a pair or tell MIL to fuck off yourself.

Have a lovely Sunday with your son tomorrow :)

This woman is very unpleasant and unkind to you. I would not consider her feelings in any way. Your husband is also being very unpleasant and unkind and I wouldn't consider his either.

Take your son out for the day tomorrow without him.

If you take your son out without him, you set things up for a You vs DH-and-parents scenario. It needs to be You-and-DH vs Parents.

You need your DH on your side as far as possible.

I've read this whole thread of people saying 'do this, do that' and OP you haven't said what you think about anyone's advice, or what you might do.

Do you agree, is it more complex, and what are you planning to do about it?

I think I remember the section thing. Fucking hell.

And you don't even get to spend mothers day with your own little boy? :(