To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

he was prem and you still allowed him to go to your PILs without you and with an expressed bottle?

you really, really need to put your foot down.

really really

i can't imagine being held to ransom like this by someone who clearly doesn't like me!
and your DH is a fucking wimp, so if he won't do it, then you have to.

This is a battle with your DH, not with your MIL.

He is the one who is perfectly happy for you to be erased from family life so he can revert to being a teenager while MIL plays babies with your DS. He is the one prioritising his parents over you. He is the one who has no interest in creating your own family life and traditions because he only wants the life he has always known.

What did he say when MIL tried to get you to move the date of the c-section?

He took a prem baby away from its mother for 5 hours with some expressed milk?

I'm so shocked at how laid back you are. I'm half hoping you're joking.

Your dh has no respect for you but you must know that?

There are no words for your MIL.

Do you have any respect for yourself? You should listen to what's being said on your thread and grow a backbone. Your ds will thank you for it. If not then what sort of role model are you being? How will he view women with this bizarre tug of war going on? Well I say tug of war but really she has the rope.

Reading about the milk is making me very dubious Who'd do that?

I remember a MILs request to bring forward C section to fit in with holidays too. A while ago. Must have been you OP.

:(

Tell us you are going to stop this from today.
Please?

Well I was struggling with feeding tbh. I was expressing some of the time anyway. I think ds might have been 3 weeks the first time he went as they were on holiday the first couple of weeks!
Ds was born at nearly 37 weeks so was slightly prem.
I don't know why I'm defending it though, yes it was terrible. I blame dh as I'd had an emergency section and was mainly just shell shocked. In fact that's partly how this came about I think, I was not really myself for the first few months after having ds and it worked to their advantage.

This is incredible. My DM had the same situation with her ILs when she married. She and DF had to go round every Thursday evening to play cards and eat chicken sandwiches from when they got married. It was awful, she said.

p.s. my DM got married in 1948!!!!

Poor you - and having to hear everyone's outrage must be a bit of a shock... even though you knew things weren't really ok.
Sometimes you just accept the unacceptable until someone says WTF??? and then it sinks in.
Some tricky times ahead I expect but much needed if your family is to really enjoy weekends.

Tell them that DS has found God and needs to go take communion on a Sunday.

YANBU. That is absolutely insane.
As you point out: what do they think will happen when he is at primary school? Never mind secondary...

Your DH needs to grow a pair.

I can't believe what I'm reading. Why on earth have you not stood up to your husband and PIL sooner? They obviously don't care much about your feelings so why should you care if you upset them??? They will get over it. If they don't, good luck to them. I'm sitting here fuming at people I've never even met because they have the cheek to take the p*ss out of someone and I'm fuming at you because instead of standing up to them, you've been taking it lying down for all these years when it clearly has been bothering you. God almighty, if you've lived anywhere in Worcestershire, I would gladly go around to your PIL and tell them to F off for you

Is she the sort of MIL who makes herself physically ill if she doesn't get her own way? Therefore people tiptoe round her because they don't want to be held responsible for giving her a stroke/heart attack?

Obviously your DS will need a new routine when he starts school.
Of course he has really enjoyed going to his GPs, every Sunday for 4 years. But obviously this won't continue now he is starting school. It is such a shame, but you will all need to be more flexible.

Now find lots of things to do on Sundays for at least the first half of ther term.

I think I agree with fairphyllis in that this is largely about your DH.
I think you can change things though, starting with these Sunday arrangements.
Is it tomorrow? Or the 18th?

I used to think I had a problem with my inlaws and their demands on what my kids did and when. When I finally stood up to them I found out my real problem was my husband, he was letting them be the focus of my anger and upset while all the time it was him who had all these things set up to take my kids away from me.

You need to tell your DH that he can go and sit on his mum's sofa for five hours every Sunday afternoon because for the next four years you are having DS to yourself 12 till 5 on a Sunday and he isn't welcome to join you.

How dare he take your son away from you like this!!

OK I am doubting this now, or at least doubting your reasons for posting on MN. You've had such good advice and acknowledged none of it.

Plan for tomorrow;
get up before allotted pil time.
Take ds out.
Return after allotted pil time.
Cycle broken.
Leave DH to deal with the fallout of what he has created.

I don't doubt it. I have seen it happen and it's not easy to deal with.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
Let them be cross. Stop your ears to it. Tell your DH to deal with them being cross.

I have acknowledged it! I think! I do agree with it. It's just harder when it's yourself in the situation.
I said that I was going to start just arranging stuff on Sundays anyway.

I do think dh is a lost cause. It will have to be me who is the bad guy I fear.

I have told dh that when ds is at school he won't be able to go every Sunday and dh made agreeing noises but, crucially, I don't know what he says to his parents when I'm not there.

He is however coming with us to the knights day. A small victory.

My PIL expect to se us every weekend which is incredibly frustrating. Would love some space so we can do things together just dh,ds and me. Hubby working tomorrow and wanted a lovely quiet day just ds and me for a change. But no they still coming. Ds finds it boring because they keep falling asleep !

Why be the bad guy? That's passive aggressive right from the start!

Be calm and reasonable, say what you're unhappy with and what you want to change. That's not being the bad guy.

It will have to be me who is the bad guy I fear.

Whatever you do, it will be wrong in their eyes, so if you please yourself and DS that will at least be two people satisfied.

I didn't mean I'd actually be doing anything wrong brilliant but that if it came from dh it would be better. They will blame me.

eman my sympathies.