To advise you all to NEVER get tied into going somewhere every week. Forever.

[Compromisingannie]

Nc for this.

Since my ds was born, nearly 4 years ago, he has gone to my PIL every single Sunday. Even when he was tiny and I was feeding I used to express for him and off dh would go for his allotted five hours.
There is no flexibility in this arrangement, the only Sundays missed have been if we are away. My family has to arrange any special meals ( for example my gran's 95th birthday) for a Saturday. It drives me MAD and many times I have asked dh to man up and speak to them about it. And to be honest he never has so it's as much his fault as theirs. But even he is getting a bit fed up of it now.

Next Sunday there is a special event on at our museum, with a battle reenactment and knights and jousting. Ds would love it. I told dh I was taking him to which he said "that won't go down well with PIL". I offered the following options

1. I will take ds to knight thing early and dh can take him to PIL a little later than usual. Apparently not acceptable as they will miss out on allotted time.
2. he takes ds before we go and comes back early and we will go to knight thing in afternoon. Not acceptable,see above.
3. PIL can come with us to knight thing. Not acceptable as FIL likes to have home cooked Sunday lunch.
4. I will take ds over sometime in the week. Not acceptable as the days I can do (three out of five) they can't.

The upshot is I am taking ds to the museum and they are cross.
I have told dh they'd better get used to it because when ds starts school there will be parties and play dates and he's not going every single Sunday for ever and ever.

I've put up with it until now but I think it's time to put my foot down. I completely understand they love ds and want to see him but they only live ten miles away and yet they never come here. We always have to go there. Usually I don't go actually, just dh and ds. I think once a fortnight is better once ds is at school. They could maybe pop over one evening in between if they want to see him. Aibu? I'm fed up with never being able to plan anything on a Sunday!

Oh, and we could never miss these visits, either. I only managed to get out of it when I left home.

When you change the arrangements, don't rearrange into anything fixed otherwise you will be stuck in another rut.

Just tell your dh that it doesn't suit you anymore to be so rigid. After all, what is he going to do about it? He is obviously a pushover anyway, he will just roll over and do as he's told.

Take control. You don't even have to speak to ILs about it other than telling them that after 4 years you've had enough of this arrangement and you will now do things more on an ad hoc basis.

This is crazy! I cannot believe you've done this for FOUR YEARS. Every Sunday!

My DH would get a sharp kick up the arse if he sat by and let me go hungry, btw. I think your DH has to take a lot of the blame here.

Just wondering, did your MIL make any of her other kids take their kids over for lunch so inflexibly?

If she did - they obviously don't seem to be still doing it as you don't mention them there for ds to play with so when did they put their foot down and stop going? Can they say anything about how unreasonable it is or are they just glad that because dh is there they don't have to bother?

And if they didn't then why on earth should your ds have to go?

No they didn't I think because there were six of them within six years. The next one to my ds is 17 and the eldest is 23. I think with there being so many of them close together it probably took the pressure off a bit. Also FIL was still working full time then so I think he wasn't as fussed about the grandchildren - that isn't exactly what I mean but I think he wanted to relax at the weekend not have the children round.
Dh went to his grandparents twice a month. I asked him this as part of my argument.

Please stop this and stop it now. And get your DH to grow up and stand up for you and DS. In my case it was every Saturday and I wasn't welcome. I was told it was disgusting that I BF because MIL couldn't keep the baby, I was told the dinner wasn't being made for me because I wasn't family, those sandwiches aren't for the likes of you, I could go on.

I am now divorced from him and his crazy family.

But why do you allow him to make all the decisions? That's the bit that I can't understand

It's actually not really anything to do with the ILs, it's more to do with you and your dh and how you work together as a team.

OP let us know how it goes when you raise it with your DH.
If nothing else, the number of people saying 'yes it was like this with my EX and his mother' should give him a gentle kick up the bum.

How fixing bizarre. Just put your foot down and stop it now!

Seriously this is just a bizarre set up.

Fucking bizarre not fixing..

I thought 'fixing' was your way of not swearing 5.

No it was my auto correct being annoying!

Well, I'd be telling them to all fixing fix right off.

This is awful. And it's not really about seeing DS at all is it, or they'd surely be willing to visit you at your nearby home! 10 miles FFS!

No, it's all about control over your family, IMO.

If they are that controlling over a sunday, do you mind me asking what they do about Christmas? If Christmas falls on a sunday do they still hae to go?!

Your husbands is a wussy.

Stop letting it happen. He'll start school and start doing activities, going to parties, etc.

'NO, he's not going this Sunday, they can see us,' and that's it. Over and over.

Do you and your son spend five hours every Saturday at your parents with your husband not welcome? Cos if not i would now. Might bring it home to him how ridiculous this arrangement is. X

Good point about Xmas! That issue alone must have Xmas AIBU Thread written all over it!

Yanbu

I can't believe you've let it go on this long though!

"Just get up early tomorrow, pack a bag for the day and take your ds out."

Absolutely.

I feel sorry for your husband that this is so ingrained.

But can't help feeling he's happy to laze around for 5hrs whilst mummy looks after both boys.

As for sending expressed milk!

I don't especially like my ILs, but no way were they going to have the pleasure of my son without having to put up with me!

Not when he was tiny, anyway!

Yeah, that sending him with expressed milk and not getting a lunch. Fuck that.

Yanbu op-I put up with a similiar arrangement for 15 bloody years! Yep 15! caused huge rows with dh over it as he basically told me he was going every sunday whether I liked it or not.All came to a head last year when I told mil it was not continuing on her terms.Now we dont go every sunday and no longer go ar xmas.Result!

I can't believe you have let this go on for so long. Why???

They all sound deranged. What do your family think about this? There is no way a 95th birthday should have been arranged around this nonsense. Why on earth didn't you make a stand?

I know it's probably not that easy given years and years of this becoming the 'norm' but you and DH need a good long chat about priorities - ie your little family unit is your priority, not your selfish, demanding, half witted inlaws!

Seriously, you are the main player in your life - you! Not them! So take your son where you like every Sunday from now until eternity - just not to theirs!

Stop doing it every week, go along and make a huge fuss about their rudeness if they feed every one but you to point of leaving with DS.

Make it DH problem to by making a fuss with him - at minute easiest option is to do what his parents want.

Stop keeping the peace and making everyone but you and now your DS happy.

Even start looking for things like swimming lesson on Sunday or insist one week every so often its your family- anything to break the expectation that you have allowed to develop.

My IL would have pushed me out if they could - they had to learn they couldn't massively improved their behavior.

Stop looking to please - tell your DH and IL its not continuing and don't bother with any fuss they make - which I know is easier said than done but once its sorted it will be better.

Be careful about getting H to grow a pair, I had a fairly similar situ (although not as extreme - its amazing how these things take hold if not nipped in the bud) anyway got H to say something and the next time I went to collect DD the MIL flew down the stairs and attacked me like a banshee. She couldnt accept her DS would ever think to say anything to her and so it HAD to be me. Fact was the only reason the H said anything was because he was fed up and with my backing said something. Once you do manage to break the cycle be very careful of them trying to suck you into some other hogtied arrangement - practice vague non committal phrases like - not sure on that I will get back to you: Im waiting on his activity schedule; he's taken up football and might get selected for various games ....