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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking this tickling is inappropriate

156 replies

Cococo · 09/08/2013 02:59

BIL is staying with his dd (my dn) who is 10. She is sharing with my dd age six. Before bed my dn asks for tickles which BIL does all over her tummy, arms etc in quite a slow, strokey way. I'm sure it's completely innocent but makes me feel v uncomfortable. My dd is then begging me to tickle her like that which I am not going to do, and then her cousin says its ok, she will tickle her like that - luckily they fell asleep before any more tickling occurred but it has made me feel a bit sick. They are staying and the girls sharing a double bed for the week. Want to say something to bil but he will think I'm mad and probably be offended. Probably just sees it as something innocent that his dd likes. My DH thinks I am totally unreasonable and neurotic to even worry about it. What should I do/say?

OP posts:

piprabbit · 09/08/2013 03:11

Nothing.

GoodbyeRubyTuesday · 09/08/2013 03:12

A dad is tickling his daughter. You don't need to say or do anything. She obviously enjoys it as she asked him to do it. Presumably he has found that that way is more tickly to her. Try it on your arm and you'll probably find it ticklish! I agree with your husband, it sounds like you're being neurotic and very unfair to your BIL. Personally I find it very sad how suspicious we are as a society of men being around children. Would you feel the same way if it was your niece's mother doing the same thing? I assume you have no other reason to suspect something untoward is going on or you would've mentioned it in your post.

evelynj · 09/08/2013 03:15

Nothing. Or if u must, maybe just say I only do fast tickling like this & tickle fast while manically giggling

Idocrazythings · 09/08/2013 03:15

Sounds like a type of massage called effleurage . How lovely for your DN to have that before bedtime.

massagegirl · 09/08/2013 03:19

I used to love being stroked to relax me as a child, still do, nothing sexual! Similar to a massage. Nothing wierd. Sad that you have jumped to this conclusion. Glad your DH has his head screwed on.

Original poster

Cococo · 09/08/2013 03:37

Thanks, good to get some perspective on this. I don't at all think anything sinister is going on with bil, I think it is innocent on his part but just that to me, this sort of stroking under the night clothes looked sexual enough to make me feel uncomfortable. I would have felt the same if my sil were doing it so nothing to do with him being male and I would not like any adult to be stroking my dd like that. I also don't really want my dd and her cousin to be lying in bed stroking each other. I guess my concern is that I think it's slightly sexual behaviour but they don't realise it. Happy to be told I'm sad and wrong to worry about it!

OP posts:

foxy6 · 09/08/2013 03:52

my children love being tickled like this but it's not really a tickle move of a sort or massage that they find soothing

MrsMongoose · 09/08/2013 03:54

This is you putting your adult interpretation onto something completely innocent. Your problem, not theirs. Very, very sad really. Don't say anything.

AHandfulOfDust · 09/08/2013 04:05

As a family we all tickle each-other like this, it's a gentle stroke.

We do our backs.

It's a lovely thing.

My Mum says when she were a lass, three generations of women used to stroke each other's back in bed.

My husband did the same with his European family.

I can see if your family is not physical in this way it may seem strange.

I used to ask my Dad to 'Give me excitement all over my body', there was nothing sexual in it, my children now love the same gentle srokes. It really isn't sexual - please don't be freaked out by it.

RafaellaNhaKyria · 09/08/2013 04:14

Exdh and I have always tickled dd this way. She calls it "back tickles" since its primarily a soft stroking motion over her bare back (she pulls her nightshirt up under her arms so we can get at her back. Sometimes on her sides or arms as well. When she's done it to me it tickles ferociously.

There's nothing untoward about it. People crave human touch much more than our clenched society thinks is "normal". Try to relax a little, and realize that human touch is a very real emotional need.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 09/08/2013 04:18

Yabu. I used to absolutely clamour for this as a child, nothing was more soothing/relaxing.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 09/08/2013 04:19

Think of it as the natural extension of baby massage, which is very similar :)

garlicagain · 09/08/2013 04:55

You don't want two little girls to stroke each other? Oh, dear, how very sad. I found the way you said it - 'lying in bed stroking each other' - quite strange: is it the being in bed while stroking/tickling that bothers you? If they were out on the lawn, would it be okay?

This is very much about your projection. I really do feel it's sad, but harmless, as long as you keep your lewd thoughts away from children. Innocent tickling is innocent :)

WeAll · 09/08/2013 05:01

This was my favourite thing as a child and if I could get my Husband to do it now my life would be five times happier.
Oh I wonder if I could train the Children to do it!?

WeAll · 09/08/2013 05:02

Incidentally, my Kids aren't fussed about it!

AHandfulOfDust · 09/08/2013 05:07

Eye, We Alll.

garlicagain · 09/08/2013 05:07

I think you lot have explained the worst massage I ever had Despite my trying to encourage her to give it some welly, she kept on stroking and it tickled! I was most put out - I'd spent a small fortune on a pamper weekend for my stress, and came out of the massage feeling even more irritated!

I've just tried it again on myself and, while it tickles a bit, don't find it all that soothing. I prefer my strokes firm. My cat likes this light-fingered style, though, so I do it for her :)

Poppanicolino · 09/08/2013 05:12

This sounds lovely. I think I'll try it with DD tonight. Thank you for bringing it to my attention OP.

BatCave · 09/08/2013 07:01

My dearly missed dad used to give me 'tickle back' before bed every night when I was a child and it was just lovely and completely not inappropriate. Like a previous poster pointed out, it's not really tickling, it's massage. I do it for my daughter now. It's very relaxing and has made me a very tactile person. Give it a try

Oh also, I still love it now and often bug ask my DH to do it, and it is very removed from anything sexual, if that helps xx

SocialButterfly · 09/08/2013 07:14

My dh does this to my girls, they love it. I would hate for anyone to think he was inappropriate. It's a relaxi g thing before bed and gives them time to catch up when he's been at work all day.
Just because you don't understand it, doesn't make it wrong.

SucksToBeMe · 09/08/2013 07:22

We do this all the time in our family. DS will cuddle up to either one of us before bed time and ask for 'tig tigs'

LovelyMarchHare · 09/08/2013 07:26

Say nothing. If you do you run the risk of making him feel terrified of giving perfectly normal affection to his own daughter. It will never be the same again. If you've witnessed it it's clearly not anything he currently feels is inappropriate. You could cause a terrible rift in the family if you voice your (misplaced) anxiety.

Optimist1 · 09/08/2013 07:27

Back tickling - delicious! Can recommend a Tickling Circle for all the members of the family who enjoy it ... everyone sits sideways in a circle so that each person can tickle and be tickled simultaneously.

Jinty64 · 09/08/2013 07:27

Ds3 (7) loves me to tickle him like this or rub his back, which I do. I certainly don't think this is a problem

starsandunicorns · 09/08/2013 07:28

I used to do this when dc were little we called mouses and a hard stroke was rats my mum gets my dad to her back still my dc used fall asleep when I did it when dd 15 is ill she still asks for mouses on her fore-arm

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