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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In thinking this tickling is inappropriate

156 replies

Cococo · 09/08/2013 02:59

BIL is staying with his dd (my dn) who is 10. She is sharing with my dd age six. Before bed my dn asks for tickles which BIL does all over her tummy, arms etc in quite a slow, strokey way. I'm sure it's completely innocent but makes me feel v uncomfortable. My dd is then begging me to tickle her like that which I am not going to do, and then her cousin says its ok, she will tickle her like that - luckily they fell asleep before any more tickling occurred but it has made me feel a bit sick. They are staying and the girls sharing a double bed for the week. Want to say something to bil but he will think I'm mad and probably be offended. Probably just sees it as something innocent that his dd likes. My DH thinks I am totally unreasonable and neurotic to even worry about it. What should I do/say?

OP posts:
MunchkinsMumof2 · 12/08/2013 11:52

To be the fair to those of us who said the Op wbu, she witheld the tickling of intimate or inapropriate areas in the original post so yes, I have changed my mind and think the Op should trust her instincts as she feels uncomfortable enough to post on here. I think you could talk to Bil and say that as his dd is approaching puberty, it's time to limit the massaging to her neck, back or feet as other areas should be private. Good luck.

runningforthebusinheels · 12/08/2013 11:52

I was also a yabu poster earlier - this inner thighs/chest thing put's it in a whole different light imo.

Most of the posters were talking about back tickles, mainly, iirc. As was I. Chest, inner thigh tickles/strokes on a 10 year old is a no for me.

I think it would be time for the bil to put a few boundaries in place - ie back & shoulder tickles only.

ExtremeCouponQueen · 12/08/2013 13:46

IMO a father "feathery stroking" even of the back and stomach area of a 10 year old girl in inappropriate.

Hugs and cuddles, totally fine. A back rub to relieve a pain/knots etc, again fine. Light, feathery stroking sounds too intimate in my opinion, and think even before the revelation this was going on in the inner thigh region I thought this was inappropriate. I was surprised that so many posters thought this was okay.

Again I think the word "tickling" makes it sound innocent and makes ppl defensive because they tickle their children. But there is a huge difference between fun silly innocent tickling, and sensual, light, massage-like strokes that should be reserved for adults only, and certainly not for a parent and child.

GoodTouchBadTouch · 12/08/2013 13:54

Haha. Mine ask for "good touch" sometimes I tickle them, and they scream "Aaaah, bad touch BAD TOUCH!"

Cracks me up imagining what anyone overhearing must think.

Catnap26 · 12/08/2013 13:57

What a terrible society we have become when a dad can't touch his daughter without being accused of being inappropriate,it makes me very very sad.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/08/2013 13:59

I'm another one coming back to change my U to an NU in light of new information. Inner thighs and chest definitely a step too far.

Gruntfuttock · 12/08/2013 13:59

Catnap you think a father stroking his 10 yr old daughter's inner thighs is appropriate?

garlicagain · 12/08/2013 14:00

See, I'm not so bothered about the nature of the strokes; the range of personal preferences has been made clear on this thread. Another poster mentioned "round and round the garden", which definitely starts off with more of a stroke than a tickle. And I pay strangers to massage me, inner thighs inclusive, for totally non-sexual reasons. Say BIL was a masseur by profession, would that alter your perception?

But, yeah, maybe BIL should be leaving the inner thighs and breast areas out of it. Don't know how you'd broach it with him - could DH speak to BIL while you speak to SIL? Or would it make more sense to talk to your niece about it first? In your shoes, OP, I'd be extremely cautious about projecting your discomfort onto the child if you do talk to her. It would be horrid to contaminate an innocent pleasure, but also horrid to stand by if she's being sexualised too early.

garlicagain · 12/08/2013 14:02

... I should have elaborated: there is a danger of sexualising an innocent pastime, with your very concern. It is a delicate issue.

Catnap26 · 12/08/2013 14:18

Grunt-I have just read op addition and I don't think it is appropriate to be stroking inner thigh,shame op could not have been more descriptive in the op!!!

kali110 · 12/08/2013 14:19

Yabu. Perfectly normal. My dad used to do it when i was little nothing inappropiate

Catnap26 · 12/08/2013 14:21

Maybe the father doesn't think that it is inappropriate as his daughter grows older.most men find it difficult to accept their daughters are growing up.

ExtremeCouponQueen · 12/08/2013 14:25

catnap I don't think stroking inner thighs of your children is ever appropriate no matter what their age.

garlicagain · 12/08/2013 14:26

Really, ECQ? Confused What do you do if they have a rash?

Catnap26 · 12/08/2013 14:30

ECQ-r u saying that baby massage is inappropriate then???

ViviPru · 12/08/2013 14:31

I find the word 'tickling' peculiar too in this context, but now appreciate that this could well be due to my family conventions being different to others. In my earlier post I referred to a girl who used to do this 'feathery stroking' to another girl and I remember her calling it tickling and little 9-yr-old me thinking Hmm that doesn't look like any 'tickling' I've ever seen before

candycoatedwaterdrops · 12/08/2013 17:48

Those of you who think it's inappropriate, have you never had a full body massage? It's amazing! I've had massage therapy, been touched by a stranger all over. It's relaxing.

pumpkinsweetie · 12/08/2013 18:03

Only rid op, isn't it sad when one mis interpurrets something so innocentSad
Don't say a thing, tickling is just that, tickling, nothing more nothing less.
There is nothing sordid about this at all!

pumpkinsweetie · 12/08/2013 18:03

read not rid

GameSetAndMatch · 12/08/2013 18:48

And yet there are STILL posters saying this is okay.

Bowlersarm · 12/08/2013 19:07

I don't think it is necessarily sexual at all. I love the feathery stroking and the compromise with DH when we are NOT about to have sex when we are in bed and he wants to read, that he strokes me (we call it tickling) and I try and go to sleep and he does it to me whilst reading.

I used to do it to my DC but they don't like it anymore.

GameSetAndMatch · 12/08/2013 19:55

cvan you 'okay' people please read ALL the OPS posts, especially the last one, she forgot to mention something in the opening post. I think maybe you're not rteading the last one of hers.

SuckAtRelationships · 12/08/2013 20:12

It's a very sad day when someone feels this normal behaviour to be inappropriate. I do this for my son and still enjoy someone doing this to me (neck, arms, hands, head, etc). It's not sexual at all (can be, but isn't usually).

:( I feel sorry for you OP. It is a shame you have lost touch with what normal behaviour is.

SuckAtRelationships · 12/08/2013 20:13

OK seen recent posts. Will read it all, but NORMALLY I would say this behaviour was totally normal.

SuckAtRelationships · 12/08/2013 20:19

OK, read. Still think this is OK. Her dad is capable of deciding when he needs to stop. If she hasn't got to that stage yet it doesn't make him a pervert, it means he still feels she is under developed (sexually, emotionally, physically) enough for this. I'm sure it wont be long til he does start changing where he will 'tickle' when his daughter starts to show clear signs of development.