In thinking this tickling is inappropriate

[Cococo]

BIL is staying with his dd (my dn) who is 10. She is sharing with my dd age six. Before bed my dn asks for tickles which BIL does all over her tummy, arms etc in quite a slow, strokey way. I'm sure it's completely innocent but makes me feel v uncomfortable. My dd is then begging me to tickle her like that which I am not going to do, and then her cousin says its ok, she will tickle her like that - luckily they fell asleep before any more tickling occurred but it has made me feel a bit sick. They are staying and the girls sharing a double bed for the week. Want to say something to bil but he will think I'm mad and probably be offended. Probably just sees it as something innocent that his dd likes. My DH thinks I am totally unreasonable and neurotic to even worry about it. What should I do/say?

[garlicagain]

This is now raising a question I can't even answer as an adult, let alone teach a child: How does one describe the difference between 'good touch' on, say, the inner thighs, and 'wrong touch'?

I wouldn't ever wish to teach a child that no-one must touch certain parts of their body! There are myriad circumstances where it's appropriate, including for non-sexual pleasure. I can't, however, describe the precise difference between, say, someone helpfully applying cream to my thighs and someone creepily doing the same thing.

It's tricky. I can remember certain adults touching me, as a child, in ways that felt creepy. That's clearly 'wrong touch'. But do children always have the instincts to tell the difference? I'm sure their instincts can be perverted, by adults with long-term access, so as to fulfil the abusers' fantasy that 'they loved it'. (Maybe they did, but didn't know it was harming them.)


Does anybody know of reliable guidance on this subject?

[LadyBigtoes]

Also, I would point out that the child asking for it should not be seen as an indication that it's OK. The child may enjoy it, that doesn't mean it's right as the child only knows what they've been brought up with. It's a grey area but I would say it's a good idea to start teaching children that some areas are private and personal from quite early on, as you go through toileting and so on, and gradually make sure you're not doing anything that's invading that space.

It's much better introduced gradually to build up the child's sense of their body as their own, than to carry on this sort of touching and then suddenly decide when? at 11, 12 or 13 or something that it's not appropriate and suddenly stop. And imo it's already inappropriate at 10.

[MrBlondesFries]

Agreed babyboomers

[babyboomersrock]

Still think this is OK. Her dad is capable of deciding when he needs to stop. If she hasn't got to that stage yet it doesn't make him a pervert, it means he still feels she is under developed (sexually, emotionally, physically) enough for this

I agree with MrBlondesFries. how on earth do you know her dad is the right one to make this decision? We know nothing about him.

[MrBlondesFries]

suck why should the dad be the one to decide to stop? If he's being inappropriate then someone needs to bring this to his attention. Why should he be the one to decide when his daughter is "developed" enough to stop this inappropriate touching?

[LadyBigtoes]

Op I'm glad some replies have taken a more understanding turn. What you described in your op certainly creeped me out. It's true that I was the victim of inappropriate touching, and I hate any kind of tickling myself. But, I really object to it being called "sad" or a sign of a terrible society etc etc that you're concerned. You are not sad, your. Have a valid concern IMO.

To the posters who said this, remember what society used to be like. Abusers had free rein to cross the line and victims were too scared to say anything or weren't believed. Now I am not saying that's what's going in with the BIL here, he may be being innocently inappropriate as it were, but being aware and listening to our instincts is parrtly what has changed, and that's a good thing.

[SuckAtRelationships]

OK, read. Still think this is OK. Her dad is capable of deciding when he needs to stop. If she hasn't got to that stage yet it doesn't make him a pervert, it means he still feels she is under developed (sexually, emotionally, physically) enough for this. I'm sure it wont be long til he does start changing where he will 'tickle' when his daughter starts to show clear signs of development.

[SuckAtRelationships]

OK seen recent posts. Will read it all, but NORMALLY I would say this behaviour was totally normal.

[SuckAtRelationships]

It's a very sad day when someone feels this normal behaviour to be inappropriate. I do this for my son and still enjoy someone doing this to me (neck, arms, hands, head, etc). It's not sexual at all (can be, but isn't usually).

:( I feel sorry for you OP. It is a shame you have lost touch with what normal behaviour is.

[GameSetAndMatch]

cvan you 'okay' people please read ALL the OPS posts, especially the last one, she forgot to mention something in the opening post. I think maybe you're not rteading the last one of hers.

[Bowlersarm]

I don't think it is necessarily sexual at all. I love the feathery stroking and the compromise with DH when we are NOT about to have sex when we are in bed and he wants to read, that he strokes me (we call it tickling) and I try and go to sleep and he does it to me whilst reading.

I used to do it to my DC but they don't like it anymore.

[GameSetAndMatch]

And yet there are STILL posters saying this is okay.

[pumpkinsweetie]

read not rid

[pumpkinsweetie]

Only rid op, isn't it sad when one mis interpurrets something so innocent
Don't say a thing, tickling is just that, tickling, nothing more nothing less.
There is nothing sordid about this at all!

[candycoatedwaterdrops]

Those of you who think it's inappropriate, have you never had a full body massage? It's amazing! I've had massage therapy, been touched by a stranger all over. It's relaxing.

[ViviPru]

I find the word 'tickling' peculiar too in this context, but now appreciate that this could well be due to my family conventions being different to others. In my earlier post I referred to a girl who used to do this 'feathery stroking' to another girl and I remember her calling it tickling and little 9-yr-old me thinking that doesn't look like any 'tickling' I've ever seen before

[Catnap26]

ECQ-r u saying that baby massage is inappropriate then???

[garlicagain]

Really, ECQ? What do you do if they have a rash?

[ExtremeCouponQueen]

catnap I don't think stroking inner thighs of your children is ever appropriate no matter what their age.

[Catnap26]

Maybe the father doesn't think that it is inappropriate as his daughter grows older.most men find it difficult to accept their daughters are growing up.

[kali110]

Yabu. Perfectly normal. My dad used to do it when i was little nothing inappropiate

[Catnap26]

Grunt-I have just read op addition and I don't think it is appropriate to be stroking inner thigh,shame op could not have been more descriptive in the op!!!

[garlicagain]

... I should have elaborated: there is a danger of sexualising an innocent pastime, with your very concern. It is a delicate issue.

[garlicagain]

See, I'm not so bothered about the nature of the strokes; the range of personal preferences has been made clear on this thread. Another poster mentioned "round and round the garden", which definitely starts off with more of a stroke than a tickle. And I pay strangers to massage me, inner thighs inclusive, for totally non-sexual reasons. Say BIL was a masseur by profession, would that alter your perception?

But, yeah, maybe BIL should be leaving the inner thighs and breast areas out of it. Don't know how you'd broach it with him - could DH speak to BIL while you speak to SIL? Or would it make more sense to talk to your niece about it first? In your shoes, OP, I'd be extremely cautious about projecting your discomfort onto the child if you do talk to her. It would be horrid to contaminate an innocent pleasure, but also horrid to stand by if she's being sexualised too early.

[Gruntfuttock]

Catnap you think a father stroking his 10 yr old daughter's inner thighs is appropriate?