In thinking this tickling is inappropriate

[Cococo]

BIL is staying with his dd (my dn) who is 10. She is sharing with my dd age six. Before bed my dn asks for tickles which BIL does all over her tummy, arms etc in quite a slow, strokey way. I'm sure it's completely innocent but makes me feel v uncomfortable. My dd is then begging me to tickle her like that which I am not going to do, and then her cousin says its ok, she will tickle her like that - luckily they fell asleep before any more tickling occurred but it has made me feel a bit sick. They are staying and the girls sharing a double bed for the week. Want to say something to bil but he will think I'm mad and probably be offended. Probably just sees it as something innocent that his dd likes. My DH thinks I am totally unreasonable and neurotic to even worry about it. What should I do/say?

Op I'm glad some replies have taken a more understanding turn. What you described in your op certainly creeped me out. It's true that I was the victim of inappropriate touching, and I hate any kind of tickling myself. But, I really object to it being called "sad" or a sign of a terrible society etc etc that you're concerned. You are not sad, your. Have a valid concern IMO.

To the posters who said this, remember what society used to be like. Abusers had free rein to cross the line and victims were too scared to say anything or weren't believed. Now I am not saying that's what's going in with the BIL here, he may be being innocently inappropriate as it were, but being aware and listening to our instincts is parrtly what has changed, and that's a good thing.

suck why should the dad be the one to decide to stop? If he's being inappropriate then someone needs to bring this to his attention. Why should he be the one to decide when his daughter is "developed" enough to stop this inappropriate touching?

Still think this is OK. Her dad is capable of deciding when he needs to stop. If she hasn't got to that stage yet it doesn't make him a pervert, it means he still feels she is under developed (sexually, emotionally, physically) enough for this

I agree with MrBlondesFries. how on earth do you know her dad is the right one to make this decision? We know nothing about him.

Agreed babyboomers

Also, I would point out that the child asking for it should not be seen as an indication that it's OK. The child may enjoy it, that doesn't mean it's right as the child only knows what they've been brought up with. It's a grey area but I would say it's a good idea to start teaching children that some areas are private and personal from quite early on, as you go through toileting and so on, and gradually make sure you're not doing anything that's invading that space.

It's much better introduced gradually to build up the child's sense of their body as their own, than to carry on this sort of touching and then suddenly decide when? at 11, 12 or 13 or something that it's not appropriate and suddenly stop. And imo it's already inappropriate at 10.

This is now raising a question I can't even answer as an adult, let alone teach a child: How does one describe the difference between 'good touch' on, say, the inner thighs, and 'wrong touch'?

I wouldn't ever wish to teach a child that no-one must touch certain parts of their body! There are myriad circumstances where it's appropriate, including for non-sexual pleasure. I can't, however, describe the precise difference between, say, someone helpfully applying cream to my thighs and someone creepily doing the same thing.

It's tricky. I can remember certain adults touching me, as a child, in ways that felt creepy. That's clearly 'wrong touch'. But do children always have the instincts to tell the difference? I'm sure their instincts can be perverted, by adults with long-term access, so as to fulfil the abusers' fantasy that 'they loved it'. (Maybe they did, but didn't know it was harming them.)

Does anybody know of reliable guidance on this subject?