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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite this child

194 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:05

My DD2 is having a party for her 4th birthday party and wants to invite the whole class bar one boy who has behavioural difficulties, he is prone to violent outbursts and has hurt her and her friends at school, holding one girl down to spit on her. Despite this the idea of excluding one child doesn't sit well with me, should I disregard what she wants and invite him anyway?

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 30/06/2013 09:06

Yes invite him. Maybe he won't come.

It's mean to leave one child out.

intheshed · 30/06/2013 09:08

You just can't invite the whole class bar one, it's mean.

A rule of thumb I've seen quoted on here before is something like either half the class, or all the girls/boys, or the whole class. I think that makes sense.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:10

That does make sense and I've always applied this with my first DD1, I've never come across this before but yes I do think it'd be horrid to leave one out, maybe his mum will stay

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Nishky · 30/06/2013 09:10

I agree with other posters, if you were inviting half the class then it wouldnt matter, but all except one is not acceptable in my view

MrsMangoBiscuit · 30/06/2013 09:12

Perhaps you could speak to the mum before hand, and ask her to stay? Excluding one child doesn't sit right with me either.

Solari · 30/06/2013 09:15

To be honest, if she already actually been hurt by him and is afraid, I wouldn't invite him as I think it gives her the message she has no right to avoid people who hurt or scare her, and should put their feelings above hers. A possible setup for future relationship issues (if my own life experiences are anything to go by).

It also may just give the impression that her feelings are just to be dismissed for the sake of politeness, especially since she has specifically requested.

However, I would explain to her that it is not right to leave just one person out, and that if she doesn't want everyone there, she should just choose a few (or a set number).

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:15

She did originally want all bar 4 and I still felt that was harsh, she changed her mind on the others but not him.

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Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:16

Interesting point Solari

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raisah · 30/06/2013 09:18

invite him as he probably wont come but atleast you havent excluded him. His parents are probably aware of his behaviour & may avoid a party where there will be lots of triggers & opportunity for him to have a melt down

Solari · 30/06/2013 09:20

If it were me, I would give her the choice... have everyone there including the boy, or cut the numbers down and just have a set number.

That way she can decide for herself how strongly she feels, and whether its a real 'fear' thing going on, or just minor dislike due to previous experience.

HollyBerryBush · 30/06/2013 09:21

I have splinters from this one. But I'm going with solari it gives out the message that it's ok to be abused. Even at 4 she is allowed to have personal preferences, and if this other child upsets her, then she shouldn't have her birthday fun compromised.

My mum made me invite a girl I loathed, and there was a return invitation. I still remember her hissing at me "I didn't want you here" and me hissing back "I didn't want to come", I think we were 7. still can't stand her

ThatLightbulbMoment · 30/06/2013 09:22

As the parent of the kid with behavioural difficulties, please invite him! I know my son is difficult and I always stay at parties because of it so I can take him out early if necessary. His mother will know his issues and I doubt she'd be offended to be asked to stay just in case. Singling him out because he has issues out with his control is just cruel.

pigletmania · 30/06/2013 09:25

Op you cannot invite all the class and leave one out. Either invite him and stipulate on the invite tat you will require an adult to stay with him or have a smaller party

pictish · 30/06/2013 09:25

My instinct says you can't leave one child out.
I agree with solari too, and I think she raises very pertinent points.
We have a child like this in our nursery class though, and I wouldn't dream of leaving him out like that.
I couldn't do that.

tripecity · 30/06/2013 09:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:26

I think I'll try that Solari. That is true Raisah I don't know this mother very well and don't want o make her feel bad as anyone's child could have these issues

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pigletmania · 30/06/2013 09:26

I agree solari have all the class including the boy, or cut numbers

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS · 30/06/2013 09:29

It sounds cruel but if he as hurt your dd then why the fuck should her birthday be spoilt by fear? Her feelings are fair, important and come first.

Solari · 30/06/2013 09:29

Just wanted to defend his corner on the use of the word 'naughty'... as if he is known to have difficulties it may not be within his control (ie. he's not "naughty").

CloudsAndTrees · 30/06/2013 09:31

I also agree that your dd should have the choice to invite everyone, or a smaller number.

If you do invite this boy, is there someone you could put on standby to be his monitor?

Cherriesarelovely · 30/06/2013 09:31

Agree with Solari and piglet. You are clearly a very caring person who doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings but I think having to have someone to your birthday party that hurts you is just not fair.

Theironfistofarkus · 30/06/2013 09:31

I think you have to imagine how the parents of that child would feel. If you had a child with SN would you want them marginalised? It won't spoil your dd's day if you keep a very close eye on the child. He is presumably only 3 or 4 so can't do that much harm. Your dd can be assured that you will keep her safe if he is watched.

WellHmmm · 30/06/2013 09:34

This one's difficult because he is violent but I'm not comfortable with the idea of leaving one child out either.
So YANBU for wanting to invite him, but maybe keep a very close eye on him and make sure he doesn't harm the other children-step in before. Reassure your dd you are doing it.

SacreBlue · 30/06/2013 09:34

I wouldn't, but I wouldn't be inviting the whole class in any case. I highly doubt she is as equally friendly with every child in the entire class - and your post mentioning 4 she didn't want suggests that too.

I see how asking all bar one would look horrible, asking all bar 4 less so - I used to avoid this kind of thing by setting an upper limit of say 10. Then DS choose which 10 (or less) he wanted to come.

Inevitably over the years some changed but actually a core of about 6 remained the same til he left primary. I looked at it as perfectly normal for him to choose only the ones he really got on with rather than having to put up with someone he didn't like just to make up the numbers.

I think it's reasonable to ask parents to stay (if you don't ask all parents to stay is that then 'discriminating' in a different way by only asking the parents of this one child?) - good to get a number of helping hands if you do go ahead and ask the entire class.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:36

I think his mother is having him assessed at the moment

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