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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To invite this child

194 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:05

My DD2 is having a party for her 4th birthday party and wants to invite the whole class bar one boy who has behavioural difficulties, he is prone to violent outbursts and has hurt her and her friends at school, holding one girl down to spit on her. Despite this the idea of excluding one child doesn't sit well with me, should I disregard what she wants and invite him anyway?

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 01/07/2013 21:49

I do not believe, however, that her DDs birthday party, which at 4 is a huge deal, should be overshadowed by the child's fear of one of her friends, or herself, being hurt.

Unless this child lashes out violently every two minutes without warning or provocation and hurts them the party is very unlikely to be 'overshadowed' for the OP's DD.

The OP comes across as a responsible parent who is perfectly capable of making sure her DD is able to fully enjoy her party while someone else is making sure the needs of the little boy in question are also met.

imademarion · 01/07/2013 21:50

prone to violent outbursts and has hurt her and her friends at school,

That's the info I used to firm an oponi

Cherriesarered · 01/07/2013 21:53

My child gets left out of parties because of his behaviour I think, no one ever says to my face. It breaks my heart. He is lovely! :-( why don't you explain to your daughter that people are different and ask the mum to come and stay.

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 01/07/2013 21:54

Yes it is a difficult one but I think he might feel calmer if mum is there? I really don't think he is a bad boy, he's only four. On the bright side it'll give DH something helpful to do at the party keeping an eye on all the kids

OP posts:

imademarion · 01/07/2013 21:55

Sorry, opinion.

It doesn't say 'occasional' or 'nonthreatening' to me.

I am no doubt biased as I made an inclusive stand against my child's wishes when my son was a little bit older than the OP's child and the boy in question absolutely ruined the party.

Watching my DS sadly wave off his mates while I mopped up the boy's mum, most of the birthday cake and a few drops of nosebleed has no doubt coloured my responses.

Goldmandra · 01/07/2013 22:12

I'm sorry you have had a bad experience, imade, but that doesn't mean that all children who have a history of lashing out as pre-schoolers should be written off.

IME one or two outbursts a term can be enough to label a child as violent and aggressive whereas, in reality, the vast majority of the time they are not being aggressive to anyone. Often the outbursts have been triggered by events which wouldn't have happened had an adult been monitoring and managing the child's physical and social environment.

It isn't a good enough reason to ostracise a three or four year old when a vigilant parent or other adult could enable everyone to feel safe and have a good time.

SacreBlue · 01/07/2013 22:23

I give my DS a limit on his guest lists every year. Who he invites is up to him, up until he was older this absolutely included his ADHD cousin because he liked him regardless of any 'difficult' behaviour - no bother at all on how his cousin behaved or may have been perceived by others.

My DS wanted people at his parties that he wanted to spend time with - that included his cousin, but not other children he didn't get on with. I have no doubt anyone in his class, that he was friends with, would have been included regardless of SN or not - they were folks he got on with and wanted there.

The OP has made very sensible enquiries as to how to manage her DC party and has had, for the most part, very sensible suggestions.

I, nor my DS, would want someone we didn't get on with at a celebration - regardless of NT or SN (and lord almighty aren't there people you/I/our kids wouldn't want there who are 'NT' but just a PITA even family! )

Andro · 01/07/2013 22:30

capable of making sure her DD is able to fully enjoy her party while someone else is making sure the needs of the little boy in question are also met.

I'm having trouble understanding how a child can 'fully enjoy' their party, having been forced to have someone there whom they don't like and have reason to be nervous of - however well policed.

imademarion · 01/07/2013 22:38

Goldmandra, I agree and wasnt suggesting anyone was 'written off', just that the priority here should, IMO, be the happiness and safety of the birthday girls and her friends.

Sadly, adults don't always stop things in time.

Goldmandra · 01/07/2013 22:56

I'm leaving this thread as I can't quite believe that people seriously see this child as being the only child in the class who can't be a friend or bring anything positive.

I'm not going to argue any further.

differentnameforthis · 03/07/2013 01:33

The boy must be only 3 or 4. He can't be a bully, he's still a baby!

No, he's not a baby. A baby is under 12mths old. This child would be classes as a pre schooler. And he is a bully. A child who picks on , spits on & holds down children is a bully, regardless of age.

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 03/07/2013 06:19

Oh dear

OP posts:

Fakebook · 03/07/2013 07:25

Ffs. Some children will have no chance in life will they? Don't support them or make them understand what they're doing is wrong, just label them with a tag and use psychology to make them into proper bullies for life.

5madthings · 03/07/2013 07:43

No he isn't a bully he is a child who needs help, he is being assessed for son's and even if he wasn't he is still young and needs to learn boundaries and acceptable behaviour.

Op you are lovely, I hope your dd has a fabulous day and I am sure the boys mum will appreciate you including him. Fingers crossed part passes without incident xxx

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 03/07/2013 08:48

All the invites have gone out now, funnily enough the teaching assistant approached me after school because I'd given invitations for everyone apart from one girl (she'll be on holiday so mum told me not to do one) and she asked me if I'd overlooked her accidentally so I'm assuming if I'd left the little chap out I would have had to lie! DD is looking forward to party and DH is trampoline monitor so she's happy with that.

OP posts:

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/07/2013 08:49

That is great. .hope she has a fantastic day.

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 03/07/2013 08:51

Thanks all

OP posts:

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 03/07/2013 10:39

Thank you, 1Very. The world needs more thoughtful and inclusive parents like you. I hope your DD has a lovely time.

SacreBlue · 03/07/2013 18:16

Wee tip I don't know is relevant but my DN was sensitive to some foods so for DS parties I made sure all the food was suitable so he didn't have to pick from lots of things he wasn't allowed.

Basically that just meant no additives or E numbers but also a few types of juice (also randomly processed ham and tomato sauce!) good to ask teacher if they know if anyone has allergies or other reasons to avoid certain foods like pork.

Have a great day :) and happy birthday to LO

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