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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite this child

194 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:05

My DD2 is having a party for her 4th birthday party and wants to invite the whole class bar one boy who has behavioural difficulties, he is prone to violent outbursts and has hurt her and her friends at school, holding one girl down to spit on her. Despite this the idea of excluding one child doesn't sit well with me, should I disregard what she wants and invite him anyway?

OP posts:
5madthings · 30/06/2013 13:40

You can still talk to a child a validate their feelings etc whilst explaining to them there are reasons behind the behavior. Its OK to not like the behavior, to not condone that behavior and to tell your child you will be there to try and make sure it doesn't happen again. But you can also explain that it wouldn't be very nice to just exclude one child. So you can say you understand why she doesn't want the boy there but explain to her how he can come and the adults will make sure she is OK. So the child knows they are listened to and understood but they also hear that excluding another child isn't OK.

hazeyjane · 30/06/2013 14:09

But he is not singled out, if the party is a small party with a few children that the op and her dd have chosen. I have only ever had small parties for the dd's, and it was more about the children we chose, rather than because of reasons why we might not invite children, IYSWIM.

needaholidaynow · 30/06/2013 14:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goldmandra · 30/06/2013 14:21

ragged you can summon as many excuses as you like to justify excluding a child. None will change the fact that the child will feel excluded.

You could, however, look for solutions, find a way to make it possible for the child to attend and teach your child that it is worth making an effort to include everyone because everyone has something to offer.

Any child could 'go wild' and need restraining given the right, very extreme circumstances. I see no reason to assume that the child the OP has written about will do this.

Any parent could 'go mental' because they didn't agree with their child not being allowed to do something. Is there a reason to believe that this one particular child's parents are likely to do so?

I should imagine that a lot of people arranging birthday parties could either ask the child's parents to attend or pick a suitable adult to keep an eye on him and spot disagreements in time to diffuse the situation. If that were really not at all possible perhaps the OP would explain this to the parents up front so at least they knew she had tried to include their child while making sure her own DD felt safe.

cakebar · 30/06/2013 14:48

We had this decision to make recently, only I don't think there are any SN, just my dd didn't like a particular girl who has been unkind. I gave her the choice of the whole class, or 19 and she chose the smaller number. It was a lovely party and I'm glad she made that choice.

I have before been inclusive with my Ds's parties and regretted it. Lots of people on mumsnet are kind about party invites but in real life I think people are more mercenary. My DS gets very few invites, although children are happy to come to his party.

DumSpiroSpero · 30/06/2013 14:59

Under the circumstances I think the only thing to do is take the bull by the horns and speak to the boy's mum.

Explain that you are concerned that as it's quite a big party he may get a bit overwhelmed and you'd appreciate it if she or dad could could stay.

If they can't and his being there will really distress your DD, or mean her other, closer friends won't come, then I think you'd have tried your best and would be reasonable to put your daughter's feelings first.

hamilton75 · 30/06/2013 15:08

You can't leave him out if he's the only one, that's just cruel. If he has difficulties they may well SNs beyond his control.

I would either talk to the parents and get them to stay so that they can help deal with any issues (I'm sure they will be more than aware of them already) or invite less people so he's not singled out.

Snog · 30/06/2013 15:13

Your dd should not have to have her birthday spoilt by this child.
I would invite fewer children - whole class parties are more like school than a party imo

dontgowadingin · 30/06/2013 15:31

I would let my dd choose who she wants at her party, it's once a year she gets to be centre of attention and relax and have fun. If she felt worried about any child regardless if they were SN they wouldn't be coming.

My nephew has SN and is one of the funniest little person I know and love him dearly but family occasions often turn in to the DN show.

I wouldn't have made her invite the other three she didn't want ether.

It's not always best to make children put others before the selfs all the time.

beatofthedrum · 30/06/2013 15:34

This thread has nearly made me cry hearing about some posters' experiences. OP you sound lovely and I would do just what you're planning on doing. Some posters seem to be losing track that we're talking about a 3 or 4 year old child. No it's obviously not ok to do what he has done but I very much doubt any parent of a child who can behave disturbingly on occasion would leave them unattended at a party.

ZZZenagain · 30/06/2013 15:35

that's a tricky one since he would be the only dc not invited. In the end though, I wouldn't invite a dc my dd didn't like as a result of the behaviour you mentioned in your OP.

Corygal · 30/06/2013 15:53

Stipulate the dad/mum has to attend to ensure the child's safety. That's necessary.

I know SN children who have been included without supervision, then never invited back after they endangered themselves, outing/party brought to a halt and all adults left shaken.

Follow the path of making it easy for everyone to get through the afternoon.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/06/2013 16:09

Yes...as some people seem to be saying..screw inclusion. .just ask the easy NT kids.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/06/2013 16:09

[Hmm

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/06/2013 16:09
Hmm
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/06/2013 16:12

Silly phone. .but I think I made my point.

Hate these threads. .they all go same way.

Some people are nice and will make effort to include others even if it's harder work.
Others are more errr pragmatic

needaholidaynow · 30/06/2013 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluebell99 · 30/06/2013 17:03

Why not ask his mum to stay to supervise him? We had a very difficult child in my dd's class (he was permanently excluded in year 5). He would ran amok at parties in the early years of school and his mum would just leave him there. I never had a whole class party so didn't have the dilemma.

VikkiiKawaii · 30/06/2013 19:11

If you take the possible SEN out (he's under assessment - not diagnosed) and just imagine it's a little boy who's been hurting your daughter it makes it so much more simple in my mind. I wouldn't be inviting ANYONE who'd hurt my little girl to her birthday party. I just wouldn't. Especially not someone who'd held a girl down and spat in her face. Imagine if that happened at the party.

OP your daughter has specifically asked for him not to be invited and I think you should listen to her.

formicadinosaur · 30/06/2013 19:36

Obviously firstly she needs to enjoy her day and not be in fear of getting hurt by the boy. Just as I see no reason to invite a bully to a victims party. It's a shame it's just one person and not a small group who aren't invited but its hard chips really. Maybe he will reflect on his behaviour? If quizzed by the parent nicely explain that your DD was adamant he wasn't invited as she has been hurt by him at various times.

BarbarianMum · 30/06/2013 19:37

And just for a different point of view - I think singling out and excluding a 4 year old for any reason is wrong.

Small children do hurt one another, or say unkind things, or bite, or spit, occasionally - even without special needs. You don't ostracize them for it!

formicadinosaur · 30/06/2013 19:40

Smaller parties are better parties by the way. Shoving a whole huge class in to a tiny village hall won't make for quality party. Why not just invite her friends?

Snog · 30/06/2013 19:45

beatofthedrum my experience is that in whole class parties at reception age there were 3 boys who pretty much always drew blood from other children (kicking in the head and the like); only one of these had SN. Their parents NEVER stayed with them.
I stayed with my dd because it was unsafe to leave her with these 3 boys who were a nightmare.

Sadly not all parents are as responsible as you might think.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 20:07

It's an inflatable party in a school not a tiny village hall and the maximum amount you can have is 30, there are 25 kids in her class, some will be on holiday as her birthday is at beginning of summer holidays. She's a sociable little thing who gets on well with the majority of her class

OP posts:
RenterNomad · 30/06/2013 20:12

My DS didn't have a 5th birthday party, and not just because of the holidays and a house move: he's fallen out with some boys in the class and I was aware of the "bad form" consideration about invitations, but didn't want to exclude any other potential friends he hasn't got to know "yet".

In any case, we tried to give him a weekend of being special, without the stresses of a party, especially since, IME, hosting a party gives me less time for him! Confused

We also declined the party of one of the boys, to show DS his feelings matter (without saying anything explicit to the boy/his family, as it's possible he'll have grown up by next year, and it would be a shame to be cut off from someone (finally) nice Smile).

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