Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite this child

194 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:05

My DD2 is having a party for her 4th birthday party and wants to invite the whole class bar one boy who has behavioural difficulties, he is prone to violent outbursts and has hurt her and her friends at school, holding one girl down to spit on her. Despite this the idea of excluding one child doesn't sit well with me, should I disregard what she wants and invite him anyway?

OP posts:
Solari · 30/06/2013 09:36

Its not about whether or not her day will actually be spoiled, as it is about giving her the message that her feelings and requests are to be ridden roughshod over for the sake of not upsetting others. That is a very dangerous message to give a young girl (or boy).

If she can be reassured and agree to having the boy there with certain measures in place, that is one thing. But to just invite him regardless of what she wants or asks for is wrong (imho).

I do think it is hard for the boy and his parents, but hopefully he has some friends who are not afraid of him (and who have not been hurt by him) who will include him in things. Its not fair to teach a little girl (whose birthday it is) that her feelings come last (especially if they involve fear and her desire to protect herself).

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:38

Sacreblue I know it sounds a lot but its an inflatable party with a set price for 30 kids, you could have less but price would be the same

OP posts:
CloudsAndTrees · 30/06/2013 09:40

I agree that your dd could be sent the message that her feelings aren't important, but if you handle it well, there is no reason why it has to be like that even if the boy is invited.

If you talk to her explaining the choices, talk through the decision and then the plan, she will know that her feelings are important, but also that the feelings of other people are important too.

kerala · 30/06/2013 09:46

Agree with solari

neolara · 30/06/2013 09:47

I think you should invite him but have a plan to make sure he doesn't ruin the party. This could be asking the parent to stay, but also think about what you will do if the parent doesn't impose appropriate control. Or get another adult in with the sole purpose of watching this little boy and making sure he doesn't hurt anyone. You will need back up. If you don't have it, the party will be very stressful and it is highly likely that someone will get hurt.

hazeyjane · 30/06/2013 09:53

I understand the view of not letting your dd think her feelings are being ignored and that she shouldn't accept being hurt by anyone. But I think you could also try to explain to your dd why some children may struggle with understanding how to behave, and how it is important that we must try and be kind and not leave children like xx out.

I think especially if it is a bouncy castle party, it is important that you ask a parent to be there. I guess there must be an adult to child ratio, so maybe you could use this as well? I would imagine if the child is being assessed, the parents would be happy that the child had been asked, and be happy to go with him.

pumpkinsweetie · 30/06/2013 09:59

I wouldn't invite him, but to soften the blow i would invite 10 girls & 10 boys of your dd choice. That way the party will cost less, dd will be happy and a good few will be left out so that the boy not being invited goes unoticed.

Nerfmother · 30/06/2013 09:59

I think it's a big leap to say this will set her up to accept abuse as normal fgs. In the context of her everyday life it will not. It will however teach her that if there is an established group, some of whom have difficulties, it's kinder to include them. It's not like he is targeting her, she has been hurt as well as others.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 10:00

The nature of the party does worry me as worry he might find it a bit much? I don't really have much experience of this though. Maybe I'm worried about nothing and the mum will stay, there will be other adults there supervising but he appears to get very upset when dealt with by an adult he doesn't know

OP posts:
Theironfistofarkus · 30/06/2013 10:04

If you don't invite him, maybe others will follow your lead. What long term effect will that have on the little boy? A greater one I am sure than your dd having a small boy who can't do a lot of harm and who is closely supervised at a party. I would have an adult permanently stationed near him. Your dd at that age is fairly likely to be around kids bashing each other a lot. I know mine are. Ps I say all this as the parent of DC who are far more likely to be bashees than bashers

Solari · 30/06/2013 10:05

Nerfmother I'm sorry but I simply disagree. I was very much raised myself to be accepting of everyone (a noble aim) and to tolerate all kinds of behaviour towards me, but pretty much constantly at the expense of my own feelings (not so good!).

In adulthood, I retained the idea that I must be 'nice' to everyone, mustn't upset anyone, etc. I was also trained by to accept that if someone had a reason for their behaviour (mental illness in my case), that I had even less reason to complain and should just "deal with it".

I dealt with it by suffering brain damage and broken bones before I realised actually I could stand up for myself and say "No, I don't want this person in my life", regardless of the reasons.

5madthings · 30/06/2013 10:08

I would invite the child but explaon why.

And i agree with the all children or a smaller party. Sounds like you have booked it now tho? So thats not an.option?

I think this requires you to talk to your child and validate her feelings but you can also explain to her this child is learning and some find it harder and that it is not nice to leave one child out.

Surely if they are 3-4yrs old parents will be staying anyway? But yes ask.his mum/dad to stay.

Lancelottie · 30/06/2013 10:11

'a good few will be left out so that the boy not being invited goes unoticed'

Sadly, not if it's the same child in the 'left out' group at every party.

pigletmania · 30/06/2013 10:18

What can you do lancelotti that goes with te territory of having a child with sn. But at least if op had a smaller party he will not be te only one left out which is very mean

Dancergirl · 30/06/2013 10:20

OP, at age 4 I wouldn't be giving her so much choice! YOU decide on the numbers.

There's no way in the world I would invite a child who had hurt my child, if that's rude or not I don't give a monkeys.

Simplest way round it: say to dd she can choose 15 friends and leave it at that. TBH, I've never really got these whole class parties and smaller parties often work better in my experience.

QueenandKingMum · 30/06/2013 10:20

Can you not request the mother stays?

Lancelottie · 30/06/2013 10:22

I know. It's still not something you can hide from the left out child though.

At least he's being assessed. That's a start.

OP, do you know if this boy actually likes parties (not all children do)? It seems you know his parents well enough to know that they're thinking of assessment, so you might be able to ask them?

SoftlySoftly · 30/06/2013 10:25

I agree with solari not as extreme but I have found my innate "politeness" makes me a target for people who would take advantage of that.

I'm better as an adult but at 15 there are a fair few boys I should have said no to. :(

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 10:26

His mum told me he's being assessed, I happened to be there when he was having a meltdown and I think she said it so we wouldn't judge, I wouldn't have anyway as my nearly 4 year old can tantrum with the best of them and it didn't seem unusual to me

OP posts:
Nerfmother · 30/06/2013 10:27

Solaris, it's okay you are allowed to disagree! I just happen to think that this one incident in context shouldn't result in the dc feeling like she has to put up with abuse. Your childhood experiences will be different.

SacreBlue · 30/06/2013 10:28

I wondered if it was a big party :) I think it's fine to invite everyone and ask that parents stay. In a big hall with lots of activities etc it's reasonable to expect parents to stay not just drop and run.

Teaching kids to get along is a good thing, as adults we may often have to deal with behaviours we don't like, I think that it is equally important to let them pick who they want to spend with, the two don't have to be mutually exclusive and there will be many opportunities to model both.

stayathomegardener · 30/06/2013 10:31

I still remember "that" boy from my whole class 4th birthday party 40 years ago.
I did not want to invite him,my Mother insisted.

The actual party is a bit of a blur all I can really remember is that he was pretty wild,jumping all over furniture etc but what really stuck was my Mum telling me afterwards that his Mother on collection had thanked her and said it was the only party invitation he had ever received and how happy it had made her.
I suspect my Mum worked pretty hard to keep him entertained and out of trouble.

Goldmandra · 30/06/2013 10:32

Sadly, not if it's the same child in the 'left out' group at every party.

Absolutely.

My DD's have often been in the 'left out' group, not because they behave badly or ever hurt anyone but because they find it hard to engage socially due to their AS. When your Y2 child has not one single party invitation for a whole year it does hurt.

I would consider asking the teacher for some advice here. Teachers manage the situation you're concerned about all the time and also have a good idea of what can be expected of the parents. You might get a hint as to whether the parent would manage the child if they came or if you'd be better asking someone else to do it.

If the parent is likely to be receptive to being asked to stay and help you could also ask whether there's anything you can do to make things easier for their child. Perhaps they could arrive part way through so he doesn't get too wound up or maybe arriving early so that he doesn't have to walk into a busy, noisy, smelly (inflatables often are) room would be better for him.

Please try to find a way to allow this child to attend while making it a positive experience for your DD too. If I was that parent I would be full of appreciation.

Jacksterbear · 30/06/2013 10:32

As a mother of "that child" (touch wood ds has never intentionally hurt another child but could easily accidentally do so during a meltdown) I would be mortified to think that the birthday girl/boy had invited my ds under sufferance and didn't want him there, and would rather you didn't invite him than invite him because you felt obliged to.

LottieJenkins · 30/06/2013 10:37

This thread has really struck a chord with me. Wilf had similar behaviour problems when he was the same age. I only had three friends who would invite him to their children's parties......... Sad I however invited all the children who hadn't asked him when he had his party!!!

Swipe left for the next trending thread