Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite this child

194 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:05

My DD2 is having a party for her 4th birthday party and wants to invite the whole class bar one boy who has behavioural difficulties, he is prone to violent outbursts and has hurt her and her friends at school, holding one girl down to spit on her. Despite this the idea of excluding one child doesn't sit well with me, should I disregard what she wants and invite him anyway?

OP posts:
Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 11:29

Yes he is just a baby really. I hope so, I will let her know what kind of party it is first and she can decide as she knows him best

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 30/06/2013 11:30

I also agree with Solari in that you should cut the numbers down so he's not the only child who isn't invited.

I've never done whole class parties with any of my 3 DC

They might end up with more presents (which is how some kids and parents look at it) but they'll also have to suffer guests that they really don't like.

Jaynebxl · 30/06/2013 11:32

Excellent 1very, that's what I'd do too. Hope it works out well.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 11:34

Yeah large parties are a hassle but I did one for DD1 as she joined the class late (summer baby) and DD2 is the same, should have planned it better! But after the first one I scaled down to just girls with DD1

OP posts:
Jengnr · 30/06/2013 11:36

The thing is, he's not just SN is he. He's not just 'different'. He's been violent to her and held down her friend and spit in her face.

It would be a shame to invite everyone but him but your daughter is adamant she doesn't want him there (and who can blame her?)

I think you need to invite less children. Inviting all but one is really unkind but your daughter's feelings need to come first here.

Solari · 30/06/2013 11:36

Despite not exactly seeing eye-to-eye with you, its obvious you're very thoughtful and concerned about handling the situation as best as possible, and I wish you and your daughter all the best with the party.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 11:40

Thanks Solari, the last thing I'd want to do is to upset a child, mine or anyone else's

OP posts:
Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 30/06/2013 11:55

lottieandmia I would not exclude a child for having sen. I would however not invite a child who was violent and had hurt my child. I would also do my best to explain to my dd and try and get her to see that some children do struggle with their behaviour and encourage her to get to know the child and play with the chikd at school in the hope that they may become friends or at very least get on better. And look foreard go being able to invite them next time.I just do not think forcing the issue at a child's party where they are all going to be highly strung , over excited, and high on sugar and colourings from the sweets is the best way to encourage friendships. And if it was my child? I wouldnt want inviting out of sympathy or because they fekt they had to to be honest.

sweetmelissa · 30/06/2013 12:07

Wheresmy caffeinedrip - I understand what you say about you not wanting your child to be invited out of sympathy or because they had to. However, as the mother of boys with SN, I know THEY would never have realised it was sympathy, even if I did. What I am saying is just to be invited to any party/anyone's home for tea would have been an amazing experience for them to have undergone, at least once in their school life. I would have taken a sympathy invitation rather than none at all.

Also have to say, OP, you are being so kind and sympathetic, and I wish you were the parent of one of the children mine went to school with. (I was going to say schoolfriends, but realised I couldn't say that as they didn't have any).

Hope your little girl has a lovely day!

hazeyjane · 30/06/2013 12:11

I think the thing is Wheresmycaffeinedrip, with a whole class party it isn't about building friendships with all the children there, it's just about inviting the whole class, so excluding one child is harsh.

Op, you sound like you are dealing with it really well.

Mrsrobertduvall · 30/06/2013 12:19

Invite him, on the requisite that mum stays too.

mummytolucas411 · 30/06/2013 13:00

I agree with previous posters, I think you should invite, and pray he doesn't attend.

Goldmandra · 30/06/2013 13:10

I would however not invite a child who was violent and had hurt my child.

It would be interesting to know why someone would do this.

Would you not invite the child as a punishment, because you would be concerned about this happening at the party or because you simply don't want your child to socialise with one who would do this?

If it is a punishment that is unreasonable because any behaviour of this sort should be dealt with an a developmentally appropriate manner in school where it happened.

If you would be concerned about it happening at the party you could deal with it by having an adult available to manage his interactions.

If it is because you wouldn't want your child to be around him maybe you need to think about what you are teaching your child about acceptance and inclusion.

It is clear that this child has some sort of developmental delay or disorder and, if he is working a couple of years behind his age, his behaviour is developmentally appropriate. You wouldn't exclude a 2 year old because he hurt or spat at his peers.

We are talking about three and four year olds here.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 13:11

I'm shocked at some of the experiences some posters have had in regards to their SN children, I guess that's a whole other thread though

OP posts:
pigletmania · 30/06/2013 13:14

Wheresmy leaving one Chidren out, especially with sn as teir behaviour cannt be helped is downright horrid sorry it is. It's nothing about being pc but about human kindness, sometimes society is lacking. No if the arty child really des not want them there, and s getting distressed about it, than party child should have a smaller party or no party and instead do something else

Theironfistofarkus · 30/06/2013 13:15

I think you have made the right decision 1veryhungry. I hope your DD has a lovely party.

pigletmania · 30/06/2013 13:16

In dd mainstream school she had loads of invites and I am grateful to te parents, but as she got older tey became thin on t ground and she started to dislike them anyway. Tan she moved to a specialist Autistic school in year 1

pigletmania · 30/06/2013 13:17

Good on you very you will probably make a little boy very happy

TheRealFellatio · 30/06/2013 13:17

I don't think anyone should be made to have someone they actively dislike (for whatever reason) at their party but there is no way I owuld condone leaving out just one, or even to children.

I think you should make her choose approximately two thirds of the class,, or less, but not more.

ChasedByBees · 30/06/2013 13:18

I personally wouldn't invite and agree with Solari that it sends quite a bad message about your DD's feelings being ignored.

Being held down so someone can spit on you is humiliating and degrading. His reasons for doing it don't affect how it makes the 'victim' feel. What if her friends decline so they don't have to be around him in their spare time?

Orangebirdonatable · 30/06/2013 13:20

I wouldn't invite someone on the hopes they decline. The child might not get many party invites and may want to attend. But i wouldtalk to the parent and let them know they are expected to attend and keep an eye on their child.
I don't like the idea of excluding one child. That seems mean.

sweetmelissa · 30/06/2013 13:26

ChasedByBees...The sad thing is I so agree with your post. I would feel the same way with my daughter. You are right, of course you are.

Yet with my children with autism/MLD/ADHD/Tourettes I see it from the opposite perspective too. I often used to think 'how can they ever learn to behave well/socialise if they never get an invitation' and it's true, they never did get an invitation and they never did 'learn'. Not as children anyway. I also know that there was no miracle cure, no magic pill, no therapy which could alter their difficulties - they were, as they were. The only thing that could help was the kindness and understanding of a mother like the OP, who can see the bigger picture and have enough empathy to think of other children as well as her daughter. That's rare and I am moved by the OP's compassion.

pigletmania · 30/06/2013 13:29

I agree chased so the child schould have a smaller party

ragged · 30/06/2013 13:39

If you would be concerned about [violence] happening at the party you could deal with it by having an adult available to manage his interactions.

Does everyone have access to a spare adult to dedicate themselves to such a task? Plus it turns what could be a fun party into a chore. I don't know who I could ask to do that. Plus what if the child goes wild, adult restrains or prevents, parents arrive and go mental because they disagree with how child was disciplined? The situation can work out if child's parents are reasonable, but heaven knows some people are not reasonable at all. And it means lotta stress when reprimanding. 3-4yos are hard work at best of times.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 30/06/2013 13:39

I don't get how you are all fine with him not being invited so long as he's not the only one. The reason he's not invited is exactly the same. Because he was violent towards the dd and others .Nothing changes because there are others who aren't going. You just have the "numbers" excuse to hide behind.

Swipe left for the next trending thread