Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite this child

194 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:05

My DD2 is having a party for her 4th birthday party and wants to invite the whole class bar one boy who has behavioural difficulties, he is prone to violent outbursts and has hurt her and her friends at school, holding one girl down to spit on her. Despite this the idea of excluding one child doesn't sit well with me, should I disregard what she wants and invite him anyway?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 30/06/2013 10:38

I don't blame you for not wanting to invite this boy. But you can't really leave one child out. Ask his mother to be there too. I don't think that is discriminating just being sensible.

DumSpiroSpero · 30/06/2013 10:40

It's a really tough one, and only you know how strongly your DD feels about this child.

When my DD was six we decided she'd have an all girls party, however there were 2 or 3 in her class that she didn't want to invite, one in particular she had real issues with.

I spent the entire summer hols (Sept birthday) trying to convince her to invite them, but she was adamant that having this one girl at her party would completely ruin it for her.

I wasn't entirely comfortable with it, but I wasn't going to spoil DD's birthday celebrations for her either, so she and the other 2 girls (and all the boys) were not invited, and everyone survived.

Obviously it's a bit different if the child in your DD's class has specific issues. I agree that talking to his mum would be a good idea, and if you don't know her well, perhaps you could ask a teacher/key carer who knows the family how best to approach it.

I have to admit though, I would probably put my DD's feelings first if she was still unhappy with the idea. At four there's only so much you can expect her to understand about the situation.

Sunnymeg · 30/06/2013 10:41

As a mum of a child with SN, I would say that if you are not going to invite the boy then please have a word with the Mum to say why before you send the invites out. DS has been excluded from quite a few parties over the years and it is heartbreaking for him. He has been told outright by children that they don't want him. We have also had him looking for his invitation because all the other children have them. I admit that he does have outbursts and can be difficult but he really cares about his classmates and gets so upset. The worst occasion was a Mum whose DS wanted to do an activity for his birthday, She asked me which activities would be most suitable for DS, she then booked the one thing he couldn't do so he was excluded from that as well.

Something else to consider is, as it's a 4th birthday, are you going to see them again at primary after the summer? If you are then you need to consider how to manage this as you may have to face the Mum for another 7 years.

Solari · 30/06/2013 10:42

Nerfmother I do agree with your last statement, and I do believe that where at all possible, different behaviours and difficulties should absolutely be accommodated and included.

We have mental illness in the family ourselves so I am very aware and empathetic about the stigma and difficulty people and relatives suffer and wherever possible would seek to minimise this in others myself. I think families of children with difficulties in particular have a very hard time, and should never be excluded from events for convenience, bias, or other frivolous reasons.

I think I am just a case of it going too far the other way (ie. disregarding my own fear and safety), and want to highlight this as well, because it is such an easy message to internalise.

If the girl was only afraid of getting hurt, and hadn't actually been, I'd come down more in favour of trying to reassure her. But because she has actually been hurt, and is probably understandably afraid of that happening again (especially if it happened in school where adults were meant to be keeping her safe), then I would put her feelings first in this instance.

hazeyjane · 30/06/2013 10:44

Op, I think you have to ask the mother if she or his dad can stay with him, rather than just hope someone does, especially if he doesn't like being handled by another adult.

Sorry Solaris, I think teaching children to be inclusive of other children with sn, is not the same as a child learning that they cannot stand up to abuse.

ragged · 30/06/2013 10:45

If she originally wanted all bar 4 I would let her bar that 4 plus choose another 4, then it's not so pointed who was left out. Plus a few who won't want to go or can't go. How many would that leave you with? (Who in right mind having a party for 4yos wants more than 12 guests, anyway?)

insanityscratching · 30/06/2013 10:46

I'm also the mother of "that child" and would have accompanied ds to a party particularly at 4 when everyone stays normally don't they? Ds hated parties and so wouldn't have wanted to attend or minded being excluded (it hurt me though Sad) but I treasured the invitations from parents who wanted to include him even though we always declined (but sent a lovley gift regardless).
Dd's parties always include the "difficult" children who aren't invited to the majority because I feel empathy for their parents. It's never been a problem, after ds dd and I are made of sterner stuff and I make sure there are plenty of helpers on standby.

Solari · 30/06/2013 10:48

hazeyjane Its not the same, no. After all, many many children with SN will never actually hurt you or do anything harmful to you.

But this is a boy that has hurt the girl in question, and she shouldn't have to put herself at risk or in fear for his feelings. In this specific case, I think it is teaching her to accept abuse.

Abuse for reasons that the person can't control still hurts, and still leaves you damaged. Its not about blaming the person who does it, but about reinforcing the right to self-protection.

Theironfistofarkus · 30/06/2013 10:50

Lots of good advice here as to how to invite him and avoid difficulties. Just please invite him. Your daughter will not learn from this that it is ok to tolerate violence. On the contrary she will see people stepping in and telling him it is not ok if he misbehaves. They are not much more than babies and bashing is a daily occurrence in nurseries. If the nurseries excluded kids on that basis they would be almost empty.

myBOYSareBONKERS · 30/06/2013 11:00

Difficult situation.

My son has not been invited over the years. He is on the autistic spectrum but on the high functioning end (Aspergers).

I always stay at any parties as I do not feel it is fair to impose his issues on anyone else to deal with.

I would invite him BUT put a separate note into his invite and explain that you know he has difficulties and is undergoing assessment for them, however you will be so busy with the party that you will not be able to supervise him and so a suitable adult HAS to stay.

Pumpkinette · 30/06/2013 11:03

I can't believe how PC everyone is over birthday party invites for a 4 year old! DD is 3 has just finished up her anti preschool year at nursery. She has been invited to a few birthday parties and not others (I know of 2 over the summer she has not been invited to). I go n

For her 4th birthday party in November I will be asking her who she would like to go and I'm pretty sure it won't be the entire class. Leaving just 1 child out would be a bit mean, but if she really didn't get along with him / her then I would.

To the OP, you said that your DD didn't want 4 of her class to come to her party but you convinced her to invite the other 3. Why? Surely if 4 were left out then its easier than excluding just 1? Unless you know all the parents / all the children will be going to the same school etc then what does it matter?

GiveMumABreak · 30/06/2013 11:09

Inviting everybody except just 1 boy is really nasty :-(

pigletmania · 30/06/2013 11:14

Sunnymeg tat is so Sad, dd goes to special school now sowe don't have that problem. Pumpkin so you would leave one child out, how mean! Better to have a smaller party

lottieandmia · 30/06/2013 11:17

No, leaving one child out is awful - I would never do it.

lottieandmia · 30/06/2013 11:18

'I can't believe how PC everyone is over birthday party invites for a 4 year old!'

it's nothing to do with being PC and everything to do with treating others how you and your child would wish to be treated.

sweetmelissa · 30/06/2013 11:19

As the parent of children with learning disabilities and behavioural problems (who could well have been the mother of a child like the one you describe) I cannot tell you how much an invitation would mean. My sons went through 11 years of school without any invitations, and on occasion being the only ones not invited. If you possibly can, PLEASE invite this boy.

As well as the initial upset, I always think my children missed out on a great learning experience. They have no idea what it was like to be invited to someone elses house/party, and even now as adults this impacts on them. It's like they have missed out on the whole socialising experience, and in their case it means they now are over excited/over grateful/over generous should they be asked anywhere - where other adults just take invitations in their stride.

I am sorry for your little girl and of course it is her day, but...well if you can possibly bring yourself to, please issue him with an invitation, I cannot tell you how much this would mean.

Good luck whatever you decide.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/06/2013 11:20

It isn't being "PC" to not exclude one child Pumpkin.

Hmm
Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 30/06/2013 11:20

I do not think you should have to invite someone who's hurting yours and other children.

I do not think its fair that she had to uninvite other friends to protect this child's feelings.

It's your child's party and she has a right to not have people who Arent very kind to her or her friends.

WhateversNotTaken · 30/06/2013 11:20

I agree with Solari completely.

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 11:20

Pumpkinette, I was trying to convince her to invite all the remaining kids as I think leaving such a small number out is upsetting for them but she was adamant about the fourth as he has hurt her and others in the past. I'm going to invite him and take some of the good advice I've been offered her, especially from those with experience of this. I don't think this boy is naughty or bad (don't believe in bad children) will just make sure I get his mothers help for his sake and so my DD can enjoy her party. Sunnymeg, that's awful

OP posts:
Grumpla · 30/06/2013 11:22

Please talk to the mum. My DS is 4 and has similar issues. He doesn't do it to be naughty Hmm

Personally there is no way I would leave DS at a party, I would stay. In fact I may not take him at all, depending on his behaviour on the day / whether i'd managed to If you talked to me about it before a party I would be so grateful.

It's also worth bearing in mind that If your DD has been hurt by this boy his parents will already be aware of the incidents but won't have been told which child is involved. His parents won't know why you excluded him and he probably won't have the social skills to make the connection.

hazeyjane · 30/06/2013 11:22

If it is a small party with a few kids then fair enough not to invite him, but a whole class party without one child is unfair, nothing to do with being pc or not.

lottieandmia · 30/06/2013 11:23

Wheresmy - the child has SEN. So you think it's ok to discriminate?

If your child was singled out as the only child not invited to something you would not feel this was unfair?

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 30/06/2013 11:23

That is very kind of you 1very :)

lottieandmia · 30/06/2013 11:25

After all, he's not just being mean - there are reasons for his behaviour.

At this age most parents want to stay and help anyway.