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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite this child

194 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:05

My DD2 is having a party for her 4th birthday party and wants to invite the whole class bar one boy who has behavioural difficulties, he is prone to violent outbursts and has hurt her and her friends at school, holding one girl down to spit on her. Despite this the idea of excluding one child doesn't sit well with me, should I disregard what she wants and invite him anyway?

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 30/06/2013 20:22

Small children do hurt one another, or say unkind things, or bite, or spit, occasionally - even without special needs. You don't ostracize them for it!

Looking at the posts on this thread I guess that a lot of people would do just that.

They wouldn't bother trying to include a child who might need it more than most.

They wouldn't see the child as being able to offer anything positive.

They wouldn't recognise this as an opportunity to teach their child about tolerance, forgiveness and inclusion.

They wouldn't see it as an opportunity to offer support to a parent who is probably having a hellish time and may well feel very excluded themselves.

At three or four years old the child has been written off.

Nice.

RenterNomad · 30/06/2013 20:57

Sorry, I ought to add that DS has been hit.

I hope you don't see our party-avoidance as exclusion, Goldmandra (or, indeed, anyone else). We're avoiding in order not to break ties forever, as children do come back from childhood ruptures. Smile

Goldmandra · 30/06/2013 21:07

I hope you don't see our party-avoidance as exclusion, Goldmandra

Not at all. There isn't anything for a child to feel excluded from.

I think it's a really sensible approach and it's good that you recognise how children's relationships alter as they mature.

BarbarianMum · 30/06/2013 21:10

I don't think avoiding giving a party or going to one is in any way wrong Renter

Ds1 was at pre-school with a little boy who was 'that child' and was hurt by him on several occasions. He was quite nervous of being round this boy, didn't want to play, didn't want to go to his party. Now age 7 they are in the same class, the other boy is just fine - no more hitting/pushing etc, very well behaved. They are not best mates but perfectly friendly, ds1 went to his party this year. It was just a phase.

foreverondiet · 30/06/2013 21:33

Think reasonable to ask mum to stay if you are concerned. Unreasonable to invite all but one (or two)....

Hulababy · 30/06/2013 21:37

I agree with others - you can't invite a whole class bar one.

My rough rule would be:

  • Half or less of class invited, else whole class
  • Half or less of all boys invited, else all boys
  • Half or less of all girls invited, else all girls

And avoid, where you can, inviting all bar one of an established friendship group (eg 5 girls who always play together, but then nly inviting 4 and leaving one out)

Andro · 30/06/2013 21:54

Leaving one out is harsh, but situations like this are why I don't 'do' whole class parties (that and the fact that I'd lose my mind).

I'm another one who's concerned about the message being sent:

Yes DD I know he hurt you and pinned your friend down and spat on her, I know you don't like him/don't feel safe around him because of his behaviour. You have the right to feel like that but not to avoid him on your special day, you need to understand that inclusiveness and forgiving the person who harmed you is more important that you choosing who you want at your party. This boy might not be able to control his behaviour, it might not be his fault and you shouldn't exclude someone who hurt you if they can't control it...

That message doesn't sit well with me, it feels like manipulation and emotional blackmail.

Elquota · 30/06/2013 22:12

No, don't leave out just one!

Won't all the parents stay, at this age?

pigletmania · 30/06/2013 23:28

Op dd has every right not to want someone who had hurt nd humilted her at her party bu leaving one out of a whole lass arty is mean

dontgowadingin · 30/06/2013 23:36

Agreed andro

ThisIsMummyPig · 01/07/2013 00:10

For those of you who haven't read the whole thread, the OP has decided to invite the boy.

FWIW I wanted to post because I invited 20 out of 28 kids in the class to DD1s birthday this year (5). I didn't want to invite 'that' boy, but DD1 put him on her list. I tried to talk her out of it, as he had left her with bruises more than once, was in trouble every day, had stabbed a friend with a pair of scissors drawing blood etc, etc, etc.

Anyway, at the party he came with his mother. He clung to her for the first hour, and only joined in at the end. We gave him his food on his mums knee, there were no problems.

I was really glad I invited him, as it clearly meant so much to his mother. I haven't seen him at any other parties since (even two 'whole class' ones).

I know my situation is different, because DD1 wanted him there, but I do think that often it is more fear of the unknown that stops us trying to involve everyone.

kerala · 01/07/2013 08:39

Its a really tricky one agree with Andro though. I still regret continuing to meet up with a friend whose DD was really vile to mine. Stopped meeting up eventually couldn't bear DDs bewildered face as to why we had invited people into our home who were so consistently unpleasant to her. I was ashamed I had put the mothers feelings (she was new in town and struggling with her DD) over my own childs. Won't ever do that again. Sorry.

In DDs class there is a little girl who has a statement and its an unspoken thing that she is invited to every party. She doesnt really play with the other girls but is happy to be around them they include her when they remember. Her mum is lovely and always stays as the little girs has additional needs going to the loo etc. But appreciate that is not the same as a child who has been violent and mean to the birthday girl.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/07/2013 08:51

So kids with SN are welcome as long as their behaviour is just sweet and delayed?

(Fwiw that's how my DD is)

Or people get round it by missing out several kids so they can miss out the kids with issues without looking like swines?

Interesting reading.

kerala · 01/07/2013 09:10

Its not SN related if a child has been consistently vile/mean to mine and upsets them no I would not invite them to a party for that child. Its confusing and upsetting for them. I have gone down this road (prioritising how other adults feel over my child) and am not prepared to do it again. Its their birthday supposed to be fun for them. IME it is not SN children at issue but little mean pretty clever "queen bee" types that get left off our list.

I wouldnt invite the whole class and leave 1 out though have always had 12 child limit so at least half the class is left out. Last year invited all girls from the class

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/07/2013 09:22

I wasn't addressing you in particular just making observations on the thread.

Sadly children with SN do often have more difficult to manage behaviour so would come under the non ideal party guest heading for a lot of people.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/07/2013 09:23

I did bring up the SN thing due to you mentioning the girl with additional needs though.

It is true I find that there is "acceptable" and "unacceptable" SN when it comes to parties.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/07/2013 09:27

You get a lot more people saying they invited the sweet wee girl in a nappy than the big boisterous boy with ADHD for example.

Anyway..the OP is going to invite him and good on her as it must be very hard being his mum and it is good.to give every child a chance to learn how to behave in social situations.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/07/2013 09:38

(Whether he has SN or not..and of course providing his mum is there so OP's DD is safe)

Original poster
1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 01/07/2013 10:01

I'd also point that they are very young, not really at the stage of being vile and mean to each other, it seems to be when they get older and more verbal the meanies start to come out. Don't worry, I'll make sure she enjoys it. A lot of you would've been horrified by the joint party I had for my girls last year, 40 odd kids but saying that it all went off without a hitch. I am a weirdo who loves the parties though

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 01/07/2013 10:10

Yeah, invite your daughter's bully into her own home, where she is supposed to feel safe Hmm

Bad idea! I don't care if he is the only one excluded, perhaps he needs to learn that holding children down & spitting on them makes people not like you!

Fakebook · 01/07/2013 10:21

The boy must be only 3 or 4. He can't be a bully, he's still a baby!

Invite him OP, and his mother might stay or you could ask a few mothers to stay and ask her aswell.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/07/2013 10:33

the boy must only be 3 or four. He can't be a bully

With all due respect they can. I grew up with one. No one believed he could be as nasty as he was but he repeatedly hit, bit, pinched, punched , kicked, jumped on me, pulled hair, pushed me around. For years, starting at a very early age Despite being younger. Beyond what would be considered normal sibling issues.

Whether or not that applies to this particular child , no one knows. But they can be capable!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/07/2013 10:38

The child is undergoing assessment for his behavioural issues isnt he?

But let's just write him off at 4 and label him a bully.

SamuelAndOscarsMummy · 01/07/2013 10:46

I wouldn't be inviting whole classes to my boys parties as I want them to learn that birthdays and celebrations are about family and friends, not popularity or the amount of presents they can get!

I wouldn't be happy about leaving out a child with special needs when my children were too young to understand that the child cannot help behaving that way but I wouldn't be worried about leaving people out just because they weren't friendly with them!

If I were you I would rethink the numbers and get your little girl to choose her friends who she plays with only, she will have a lot more fun :)

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/07/2013 10:46

I didn't say this child was a bully , I pointed out that kids are capable from that age. I was bullied at home by my brother , I was bullied at Pre school by one particular child. My parents moved me I got that upset. And I was bullied at primary school.

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