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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To invite this child

194 replies

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 30/06/2013 09:05

My DD2 is having a party for her 4th birthday party and wants to invite the whole class bar one boy who has behavioural difficulties, he is prone to violent outbursts and has hurt her and her friends at school, holding one girl down to spit on her. Despite this the idea of excluding one child doesn't sit well with me, should I disregard what she wants and invite him anyway?

OP posts:

RenterNomad · 01/07/2013 10:48

One of the boys I mentioned told DS that DS wasn't invited to

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/07/2013 10:51

Wheresmy..yes..I sympathise. .I was bullied too.

I guess I just feel.for this wee boys mum too.

Fakebook · 01/07/2013 10:53

Wheresmycaffeinedrip: wtf! Right! The child in the OP is being assessed for behavioural issues. I don't believe that ANY child is a bully at 3! My dd used to go through phases of hitting/pushing/pulling hair from age 2 to now aged 5. She's not a bully. She has loads of good friends in and out of school because most parents understand that a small child is not a bully! Ridiculous.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/07/2013 11:06

Yes, I'm sure most people would feel for the mum too. And chances are everything would be ok. But they are young kids, naturally they are not going to understand and are going to be wary of that boy. And I just don't think that a party set up is the way to address the issue. Not just because he might hurt someone at the party, chances are pretty slim of that. But because if his mum stays then yes she will be watching him, but if other mums go who's going to be able to make sure that other children aren't winding him up or provoking him. Or he hears them telling friends not do go near X or don't do Y because something might happen. It wouldn't matter who said what to him , they will only care that he did something. If it goes well then great but if it doesn't then it just seems a bit like setting him up to fail.

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 01/07/2013 11:09

fakebook these weren't phases, he did it for years and is still extremely verbally aggressive towards me at times. My mum was scared of him and so was I. I witnessed him bullying at secondary school too.

kerala · 01/07/2013 11:34

It is really hard and I can see both sides. It must be very painful for the parents of the child. But equally the parents of the birthday child will feel torn especially if their child has been on the receiving end of violent unpleasant behaviour to have that child then present at a time that is supposed to be happy and enjoyable for you is confusing.

In DDs class the child with possible SN behavioural issues is super popular on account of being good fun as well as very badly behaved so is invited to all the parties. His mother is very popular too. So all circumstances are different

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 01/07/2013 11:36

Thank you OP, you are a lovely and considerate person. My DS has SN and we were lucky enough to have a class full of mums like you when he was at primary school. He went to every whole class or all boys party and I was always very grateful and always stayed!

When DS2 was in y5 a couple of brothers joined the school who were fostered. They were a real handful. But DS's class were used to DS and welcomed this boy. He was included despite his behavioural challenges and went to quite a few birthday parties, the first ones he had ever attended. Unfortunately his difficulties were too extreme and he gained a place at a special school, but he had a great year at my DS's school. I think the whole class will go on to be empathic and inclusive people.

TeenAndTween · 01/07/2013 11:57

I have in the past stipulated that a parent of a more lively child stays as otherwise I wouldn't be able to supervise them.

Also when DD1 was in y6 she wanted to invite a girl with ADHD who was prone to (sometimes violent) outbursts (usually only when wound up by others). Some of the other girls said that "if XXX is coming then I'm not". My DD said it was their choice (proud)! All but one came in the end and party went off without incident.

ragged · 01/07/2013 12:43

I imagine all sweet & well-behaved kids are welcome, delayed or not. SN not relevant. yes nice people get all sorts of perks in life.

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 01/07/2013 14:44

I'm a bit surprised people would assume the party is about presents! I hadn't even thought of that, DCs go to a small village church school where everyone pretty much knows everyone and its the norm to have whole class parties, I've been to my fair share. As I said upthread my DD1 gets on well with the majority of her class and chose who she wanted.

OP posts:

Elquota · 01/07/2013 17:13

OP, I'd never thought of whole class parties being about presents either!

ragged · 01/07/2013 20:52

We don't have whole class parties at all. Either that or my kids are the ones always not invited.

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 01/07/2013 20:57

There is a mum in DD1's class that invites all the girls bar 1 every year, the worst thing is she lets her daughter hand out invites in playground, one year she gave the uninvited girl one by mistake and her mum made her take it back from her, it was horrible

OP posts:

Goldmandra · 01/07/2013 21:02

Some people are sick, 1Very

Dancergirl · 01/07/2013 21:04

What I don't understand is how you all KNOW exactly who's invited and who's not? Do you ask every parent in the class or what? Genuine question. My dds sometimes get invited and sometimes not but I wouldn't know the details each time.

imademarion · 01/07/2013 21:05

friends at school, holding one girl down to spit on her.

I can completely understand her reluctance to invite someone who may be violent and hurt her and her friends.

She is understandably worried that her party might be spoiled by this boy.

The OP sounds like a very thoughtful mother; I do not think she needs to use this party as a social experiment or exercise in inclusiveness that might work or might backfire. It's not a very fair thing to do to a little girl.

I would discretely give out invitations to the children she does want to invite on the strict understanding that she might, one day, be left out herself and to think hard about how that might feel.

Goldmandra · 01/07/2013 21:30

I do not think she needs to use this party as a social experiment or exercise in inclusiveness

Teaching children to consider the feelings of others and acknowledge that everyone has something to offer isn't a one-off exercise or an experiment. It's a way of life.

I'm glad that the OP has a more tolerant viewpoint.

pigletmania · 01/07/2013 21:32

That is disgusting 1very, some people are foul. I hope karma bits tat idiot woman in the butt

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 01/07/2013 21:33

Dancergirl Just because its a very small school, I'm friends with the mother of the 'left out' girl, invites are handed out to children in there class line in the morning making it a bit too obvious who's not invited. If it had been a smaller party no one would have noticed/cared

OP posts:

giantpurplepeopleeater · 01/07/2013 21:35

I've not read the whole thread, sorry.

But in answer to your question - I would feel terrible about leaving out one child, and would perhaps speak to the mum - inviting them but ask if she can stay to avoid repeats of previous problems.

pigletmania · 01/07/2013 21:38

Very I could not be friends with someone who does that to a child

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 01/07/2013 21:40

That's ok Giant, it's pretty long! I'm going to invite him and ask mum to stay

OP posts:

imademarion · 01/07/2013 21:41

*Teaching children to consider the feelings of others and acknowledge that everyone has something to offer isn't a one-off exercise or an experiment. It's a way of life.

I'm glad that the OP has a more tolerant viewpoint.*

I totally agree, and as I said she does seem to have very tolerant viewpoint thus starting this thread.

I am sure that she will find as many opportunities as there are hours in the day to teach tolerance, inclusiveness and turning the other cheek.

I do not believe, however, that her DDs birthday party, which at 4 is a huge deal, should be overshadowed by the child's fear of one of her friends, or herself, being hurt.

I think they have an equal right to a relaxed birthday party and if the OP feels so inclined, perhaps she could have the boy in question to tea with his mother where the adult ratio is higher and the girl is not worrying about her guests.

Original poster

1Veryhungrycaterpillar · 01/07/2013 21:41

No Piglet, she is a arsehole, my friend s the mother of the girl that gets left out

OP posts:

pigletmania · 01/07/2013 21:42

Oh right 1very sorry

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