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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Strip club!

645 replies

everythinghappensforareason · 29/03/2013 21:41

So dh has been kicked out back to his Mothers following a night out Saturday, that ended at a strip club, not only that but also paying for a lap dance from a young girl in nothing but a thong. Ive never been so mad, there was 3 of them. It makes me feel sick, he has apologised + claimed he didn't enjoy it one bit, it was worse than he imagined etc. but i just feel like people around me ( his family) Probably think im over reacting, so my question is, what would u do?

OP posts:
chris481 · 30/03/2013 13:32

"Men's sexual desires are not special or different to women's despite popular beliefs."

Also, I believe most men can achieve a near-100% orgasm to sexual intercourse ratio, regardless of the competence of otherwise of their partner. In fact they could achieve the same with a blow-up doll. I have a general impression that women are a bit more complicated and, on average, hugely less successful, assuming we define success in this way.

So I do really think the quoted comment is wrong.

BelaLugosisShed · 30/03/2013 13:42

What are you banging on about Chris481? Hmm
Stop derailing the thread with bollocks about how women don't want sex.

TheOrchardKeeper · 30/03/2013 13:47

Nature hasn't designed us to be compatible or happy, all it wants is for us to reproduce and our children to live until they reproduce

Umm Chris...Just because we have 'primal urges' & we're 'designed to reproduce' doesn't mean we're controlled by that. If we were all unable to control our 'primal urges' I'd have murdered the mum that said my DS looked a little too big fat for his age the other day.

aaaaaaaaaaaand

We also have a conscience & the ability to think before we do, regardless of gender Hmm

AnitaKnightSavesTheWorld · 30/03/2013 14:10

Also, I believe most men can achieve a near-100% orgasm to sexual intercourse ratio, regardless of the competence of otherwise of their partner. In fact they could achieve the same with a blow-up doll. I have a general impression that women are a bit more complicated and, on average, hugely less successful, assuming we define success in this way.

What on earth do you mean by posting that? Are you trying to imply that women are 'frigid' or something, and that excuses men going to strip clubs?

"women are a bit more complicated" are they? Maybe - to ham-fisted teenage boys who have been watching too much porn to realise that women are not the same as blow-up dolls. Hmm

Or, perhaps I've just been more fortunate with my sexual partners.

ChairmanWow · 30/03/2013 14:21

Chris - please take your cod psychology somewhere else. It's irrelevant and frankly a boring cliche. Some men are very sexual, some aren't. Shockingly the same applies to women. The end.

everythinghappens as mum to a newborn and 2 yo I completely sympathise with where you're at. This is supposedly a special time in our lives, also a difficult time in terms not just of sleep-deprivation but also body image. Anyone telling you you're OTT isn't getting where things are in your life and with your family. You were literally left holding the baby while the father of your kids ogled a naked or near-naked woman. I don't see how this scenario could actually be any more distasteful.

It's up to you whether you think this is cheating or not. If you do then that's the conversation you need to have with him when you're ready (you don't sound ready yet). His apology is a good start but he has clearly wounded you very deeply and you both need to work through this to decide whether you can trust him or not. Personally my issue would be with my DH getting sexual thrills out of an industry which exploits and dehumanises women. It doesn't matter how explicitly we've discussed it, the fact someone thinks it's okay is enough to diminish them in my eyes.

Interesting how those who defend the industry call the performers 'girls' not women isn't it. Very belittling.

I hope you can work this out everything. There are lots of people on here who will give support. Maybe post under relationships rather than AIBU though! Thanks

Gossipmonster · 30/03/2013 15:03

I don't really understand why everyone gets so hysterical on here about strip clubs.

It's perfectly legal in this country.

My OH watches a lot of porn as we have a long distance relationship, I trust him 100%, it really wouldn't bother me if he went to a strip club and had a private dance. It's a sexual fantasy it is not reality and at the end of the day I trust him. It is not cheating.

When he masturbates I don't expect him to always be thinking of me as I am not always of him. Is that also cheating?

Original poster
everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 15:04

i do not no pinky, and assume most are both, either way both r women who for the right cash will drop all self-respect,.. just saying!!!!

I think ive decided right now space is the best thing, and a proper conversation when i have calmed down, although its been 6 days and i still feel the same as when 1st told.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 30/03/2013 15:11

OP, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks, its you that matters.
So if all the responses are either way condoning, or not. What does it matter. It is you that have to live with him or not.

For this reason I'm not telling you what I would do, or what I think.

So sorry you are upset though and feel the way you do. I hope you sort it out soon and send you big hugs.

RatPants · 30/03/2013 15:12

Take all the time you need everything, recovery from this is entirely on your terms and at your say so. Thinking of you.

Original poster
everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 15:40

Thankyou ladies x

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 30/03/2013 16:27

Chris your post reeks of mysogyny. You need to click on my username and read some of my posting history.
In fact i will find the article i wrote for moresexdaily and link it in here. Fucking hell stereotype much. Testosterone levels in women actually INCREASE from their late thirties.

Darkesteyes · 30/03/2013 16:31

From the article.

Society seems to have no trouble believing that women don?t want sex, but they struggle to come to terms with the idea that a man might not want it. This lack of understanding makes women scared to speak out. What woman is going to stick her head above the parapet and say ?I live in a sexless marriage? and talk about it frankly and honestly in public. Actually, I can answer that ?NONE?. And so women like me who live in sexless marriages continue to suffer in silence.

We feel that we cannot discuss the issue with anyone. We are made to feel that it is our fault. Magazine articles and books on the subject advise women to buy some sexy undies and make more effort with their appearance etc. Though it?s the man who doesn?t want sex, it is the women who are told to make more effort with their looks. If the situation is reversed and it is the woman who doesn?t want to make love, pressure is put on her (marital and societal) to go to the GP to see what is wrong

Darkesteyes · 30/03/2013 16:33

Society seems to have no trouble believing that women dont want sex.

Chris proves the point in my article beautifully.

RaspberryRuffle · 30/03/2013 16:39

everything, don't assume that all women who work in the sex industry have lost all self respect, because that attitude is disrespectful to them.
For you thsi is an important issue, for other's it is not. A sseveral people have said, sort out what works for you and your DH. I feel for you coping with this upset and a newborn.

The reason I said 'girls' earlier is that I was talking about my peers, people I know, I felt like we were 'girls' at uni, I still say I'm meeting the 'girls' I was not trying to demean women who work as lapdancers (can't remember who posted that, just clarifying).
Also the OP has repeated that a young girl danced for her DH, I was wondering how young?

Darkesteyes · 30/03/2013 16:43

everything i dont think its fair to blame the dancers. Because if there wasnt the demand for it they wouldnt be able to do it.

Especially in todays economic climate which i think may cause more people to enter this industry. Especially when it comes to a chioice of either doing this or not doing it and your children going without food.

OP you have to do what you feel is right for you. it is an eye opener to how your dh feels about women though.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2013 16:44

Darkesteyes I think it may be that society doesn't want to face that some women don't want lazy, shit sex in crappy marriages where that is the only affection they get and they are expected to skivvy all day then turn into a sex goddess at the drop of a hat. I have a lovely DH who does lots for me, is affectionate and loving. I have no issue shagging him with pleasure. Coincidence? I don't think so.

We have also perpetrated the myth that all men are gagging for it all the time and all women are frigid. What a narrow, stupid idea. As you say, things are more complicated than that.

Darkesteyes · 30/03/2013 16:48

Agree Terry. It really makes me angry though. And its yet another reason why we need feminism.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/03/2013 16:52

I'll add that to my fucking enormous list of reasons.

Original poster
everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 17:36

they must have lost all self-respect, why else would u put ur self out there like that, no woman with any morals, respect for themselves and dignity would not spend there evening being a cock tease, I said though i don't blame the woman (20s) for this, it's entirely his fault.

OP posts:
Nincompoopery · 30/03/2013 17:38

I've read this thread fully and throughout I have tried to look at this from a point of view where lap dancing is acceptable and from one where it isn't.
After considering this, for me personally (and this is just me) it wouldn't be a deal breaker and I will try to explain why. I trust that the club is reputable, with standards. I trust that my husband would have gone purely as a one off ( though an important fact here is that my husband would probably be dying from embarrassment during the whole dance). I also trust that my husband wouldn't be ' getting off on it'. Maybe I'm naive but in my situation I believe that my trust is founded.

So, two factors that I would base my decision on:
Was it a one off?
Did he get off on it?

A cheating aspect has been mentioned earlier in the thread and that is an element that i struggle to connect with lap dancing. A point here though is the closest I have come to lap dancing experience is when my Fil and Mil went to one out of curiosity. Apparently is started with a lap dance and ended with a lovely chat between mil and dancer about working conditions and world news.
Back to you though, from everything you have said this is an act the you have strong feelings about and as to what happens next? Only you can decide whether to make this situation permanent and for him to leave the family home. With two children though and (I'm assuming a happy, healthy relationship in all other areas) surely it is worth listening to him, allowing him the chance to make it up to you and in time perhaps you will have a clearer idea on whether you can forgive him and therefore you can be absolutely sure on any long term decision you make.

With a 2 year old and a newborn, understandably this is the last thing you need to be dealing with.

Original poster
everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 17:44

Thank you nincompoop, i guess thats a good way too look at it, maybe im just seeing negatives. How could uno for sure ur dh wouldn't enjoy watching her? because he said so? hes not going to come home and tell u about his fantastic experience, if he was that embarrassed her would leave?
would u really be able to sleep in the same bed, DTD and what not, knowing ur dh had just been straddled by a younger more glamorous woman with a big smile on his face. why on earth if u loved someone would u even want another woman near u!? sorry for all the questions but if u can help me answer these from a point of view of ur own as sometimes when ur mad u dont think rationally.

OP posts:
Nincompoopery · 30/03/2013 18:02

It is easy for me to look at this objectively and without emoticon because I'm not in your situation. Only you know your husband and whether you can trust what he tells you. Believe me, my husband is very shy and would not dream of leaving mid dance for fear of ridicule by so called friends or heaven forbid if he offended the dancer (he is an unworldly 28yr old).
The closest I have been is when I found out 6 months before our wedding that he was texting a girl from our office late at night, whilst I was bed. I remember the anger I felt, the fury that not only was it someone I knew but someone that was so different from me.. Ie. lower morals etc. for me the texting and obvious emotional closeness was worse than if he had had a one night stand.
I ranted and raved.. Drove around for hours and let him stew in his own juices and effectively gave him time to think about exactly what he had jeopardised.
In the end I decided to let him stay, I decided that what we had was worth fighting for.
It did take me a long time to forgive completely and to feel close to him again. To answer your question on whether I could really know? I couldn't. There is no way for certain that I could 100% know for sure. With that being that case I had to decide whether what I didn't know wouldn't kill me rather than allowing the turmoil to eat me and my future up.

countrykitten · 30/03/2013 19:27

Nincompoopery no way would I have forgiven that! I admit that I have extremely high standards and will not put up with shit from anyone and would not dish it out to anyone either. It's about respect - your 'dh to be' disrespected you and the OP's dh disrespected her. It's not good enough - why do women keep on putting up with it?

TiggyD · 30/03/2013 19:44

"they must have lost all self-respect, why else would u put ur self out there like that, no woman with any morals, respect for themselves and dignity would not spend there evening being a cock tease"

You disagree with their job, don't understand them, fine, but you don't have to treat them like shit either.