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AIBU?

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Original poster

Strip club!

645 replies

everythinghappensforareason · 29/03/2013 21:41

So dh has been kicked out back to his Mothers following a night out Saturday, that ended at a strip club, not only that but also paying for a lap dance from a young girl in nothing but a thong. Ive never been so mad, there was 3 of them. It makes me feel sick, he has apologised + claimed he didn't enjoy it one bit, it was worse than he imagined etc. but i just feel like people around me ( his family) Probably think im over reacting, so my question is, what would u do?

OP posts:
ChairmanWow · 30/03/2013 19:46

I also trust that my husband wouldn't be ' getting off on it

What would a man get from watching a woman wave her breasts and vagina in his face then? Intellectual stimulation? A really good belly laugh? Or a hard-on with some wank fodder in the bank for later? Sorry if that sounds blunt but I don't see what else a man expects to gain from having a naked woman grinding all over him. I do understand that some men might find it a bit seedy and off putting when they experience the reality, but when they made the decision to go to that club and pay for that woman what did they expect to get out of it?

I'm not sure I'd necessarily call it cheating. As I said up-thread it's the exploitation/objectification issue that bothers me more, but I can see how some women feel it might be including the OP and I don't see how guys can argue there was never intended to be a sexual element to it.

countrykitten · 30/03/2013 20:00

It is so ludicrous for any man or woman to claim that there is no sexual element to a lapdance! It is delusional of women to think that their dh is not sitting there with a raging hard on and sheer deception if a man claims that he isn't!

Loislane78 · 30/03/2013 20:07

everything sorry you are in this situation with a newborn and 2 yo :(

If it were me, I would have gone ape shit but I don't know if we'd be over ie. divorce, as it would be v out of character. If anything happened again though...

My DP went to a stag do in Dublin last year, ended up in one of these places and there were only a couple of them who didn't have lap dances (him included); its not really his scene luckily for me.

I don't buy into the peer pressure argument, all your DH had to say was no way guys, got a newborn at home and everything would go ballistic. Conversation over.

Does he have other behaviour/traits that make you think this is over or just this, and is it out of character.

Loislane78 · 30/03/2013 20:09

When I say 'just', I don't mean it to sound like its nothing - cos clearly he's being a hugggge tosser.

countrykitten · 30/03/2013 20:10

Yes, the peer pressure thing is a total red herring.

Nincompoopery · 30/03/2013 20:24

It seems a lot of women live in a black or white world. Not saying thats a bad thing, I find myself constantly looking at a grey area which can be infuriating.
My DH is more than aware of how close he came to losing everything and that there are no more do overs, no more chances. That and the fact that as we now have a DD he has so much more to lose now.
It's not a case of whether one persons standards are perhaps higher than someone else's, but more that they have different priorities, different outlooks on circumstances / events. What may be forgivable to one person may not be to another. It is an individuals feelings and experiences and hopes/desires that will ultimately set their boundaries. Only the OP can decide whether she can eventually forgive this and I don't think that answer is going to come in the next few hours, days or even weeks.
As for the sexual element, imagine reversing roles and having a woman up on stage with a stripper, perhaps a hen night (not my thing personally) by some comments here are we to assume that as soon as she comes off stage she's happy that she's got her 'wank fodder in the bank for later'?

Original poster
everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 22:18

This was way out of character, maybe why i'm so hurt? so shocked, and feel as though i don't no him at all. It is a sexual intimate thing, it wasn't a laugh on a stag or anything i don't even think he was that drunk, not that that is an excuse, ive been out with the girls and been rotten and asked back to hotels, for my number, for a dance etc and have said No every time, wouldn't even think of it, he's clearly thinking with his Penis!!

OP posts:
RaspberryRuffle · 30/03/2013 22:28

Thank you everything for now clarifying that the 'young girl' who performed the lap dance was a woman in her 20s. And for judging the moral character of her and her colleagues - it is not something I would choose to do for a living but if someone wants to make decent money doing a job she doesn't mind or even enjoys then who is anyone else to judge her. Lapdancers must have a relatively short shelf life compared to other jobs as there's a reason people are paying to look at you dance (physical appearance), but for many that's all it is, a dance. It is incorrect to say there is no difference between this and prostitution.

I hope you and DH can work through this, get some relationship counselling at least before giving up on the two of you as a couple and as a family.

I also hope you can be a bit less judgemental towards the dancers and their loose morals...but if only one of the two happens for your sake the first.

Nincompoopery · 30/03/2013 22:37

everything if this is out of character then this must be so hard for you to even attempt to get your head around. You may never get the answers that you want or deserve but I think you do need to talk to him before yo make any decisions. At least think about the questions you need answering, think about his answers and then maybe you will be clearer on your next step.

Original poster
everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 23:00

Thanks raspberry. Ive asked alot of questions and the more i find out the more i hurt. asking details is the worst.

OP posts:
RaspberryRuffle · 31/03/2013 13:34

everything, the details will make it worse because you probably can picture the scene more. If it is really out of character it sounds like the rest of the time you and DH have a great relationship and 2 DC together. By now your DH must have a good idea of the hurt he has caused you, try looking at his reaction to this. The incident can't be undone now, so what assurances can he give you, and I don't mean flowers and chocs...can he see your reasoning. You know him, is he genuinely sorry about hurting you? It just sounds like up to now things have been good so don't. 'automatically' think this is the end. I don't mean you should be a doormat either, just weigh up everything in your own time.

Nincompoopery · 31/03/2013 14:22

Raspberry exactly what you said. Deciding to work through this will, in some ways, be the hardest option but taking this option certainly does not mean that you are a doormat.

threesypeesy · 31/03/2013 14:26

Nothing that to me isn't a big deal I've been to a few with my dh. The girls are lovely and if its a high end club nothing untoward goes on.

I could never end a relationship over something like this and i know others clearly disagree but imo YABU its only a dance you see worse going on.in actual nightclubs

chris481 · 31/03/2013 14:33

"Stop derailing the thread with bollocks about how women don't want sex."

(This reply is also to the various other people who were offended.) I actually want to believe the opposite, could someone post a link to proper research that will settle this?

ChairmanWow · 31/03/2013 14:40

threesy this thread isn't about you, it's about the damage the OP has had done to her relationship by her partner and her feelings.

Another one calling them 'girls' though. What a coincidence. Anyone would think there were sex industry apologists lurking round the place Hmm.

everything it sounds like you're starting to think this through and there was been some really good advice. I guess once you've processed what this means to you you can start to work it through with him. Not easy with a newborn and a toddler. Hope you're getting some RL support too. Thanks

threesypeesy · 31/03/2013 14:53

I never said it was i was like everywhere poster giving MY opinion that its not something that is a) a big deal, b) not worth throwing a relationship away for. They are girls,females,women whatever word you wish to use that choose to do it as a job and men and women go and watch no harm in it

Darkesteyes · 31/03/2013 15:22

cgris did you not read my link. its only my situation and i know its only one persons experience but its not a bloody fairy tale. it happens to be true.

MNHQ
OloeufiaMumsnet · 31/03/2013 15:27

Hello OP
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread to relationships won't you?

Darkesteyes · 31/03/2013 15:42

chris if women dont want sex how do you explain the popularity of womens erotic fiction.

And i dont mean Fifty Shades. i like the Black Lace books. There are also classics like the Story of O which have been around for many years.

AKissIsNotAContract · 31/03/2013 16:16

Women just don't want sex with chris481

chris481 · 31/03/2013 17:37

Darkesteyes, I read the linked article, it doesn't contradict anything I believe. Even if there is a general mismatch between male and female populations, that says nothing about the sex drive of any particular woman, nor does it mean that it can't be the woman who is the frustrated one in a particular relationship.

The question is if the proportion of women who don't want sex with their partner is very different from the proportion of men. I don't have a number for men, but I have some reason to believe the proportion is as high as 50% for the women I mentioned (i.e. those over 30 who have been in a relationship for at least four years.) If that statistic is true, and the equivalent statistic is very different for men (which I assume but I don't know) then it means that a large number of people are destined to be disappointed in their relationships.

I have googled since posting previously and the only thing I found was a reference to a Canadian study that shows women's interest in sex with their partner decreases steadily with time, but men's doesn't. (Again, this is on average, so what won't be true for all women/men.)

I now think I remember that the Dutch academic that I quoted may also have been talking about women's desire to have sex with their current partner, not necessarily their sex drive in general, so I may have misrepresented her originally.

chris481 · 31/03/2013 17:43

Just to clarify, the Canadian study said that women's interest decreased with length of relationship, not age. (Am not regretting not saving the link.)

chris481 · 31/03/2013 17:45

Am regretting.

MooMooSkit · 31/03/2013 17:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

chris481 · 31/03/2013 18:04

It was unkind the first time someone said it, using bold is just cruel. Sad

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