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AIBU?

Strip club!

645 replies

everythinghappensforareason · 29/03/2013 21:41

So dh has been kicked out back to his Mothers following a night out Saturday, that ended at a strip club, not only that but also paying for a lap dance from a young girl in nothing but a thong. Ive never been so mad, there was 3 of them. It makes me feel sick, he has apologised + claimed he didn't enjoy it one bit, it was worse than he imagined etc. but i just feel like people around me ( his family) Probably think im over reacting, so my question is, what would u do?

OP posts:

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everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 10:06

he has been doing his share, we have ds of 2 years also, he has had him over the weekend, i am not ready for dd to leave me (also bf) he will be round in a flash if i asked, i don't see what there is to talk about, i don't want him near me for now! he just keeps saying sorry. ino theres not much else he can do, and i do genuinely believe he is sorry but it doesn't change that fact he done it, and he wasn't sorry at the time, if he was that uncomftable and awkward as he claims, why sit there? why not get up and leave, he said "i don't know" when i asked him this!!

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Sianilaa · 30/03/2013 10:45

I'm with the OP actually. It would be a massive deal breaker for me.

I would not want to be married to a man who thought it was ok to buy a woman to get him off. It would disgust me so much that he believed women were objects to buy I'd never be able to be intimate with him again. And that's without the added info that OP is at home with a tiny newborn baby and organised him a lovely birthday for him to then disrespect her like that.

If it was me, he'd be out the door.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 10:51

Thats so true sian, i hate men that just see women as a peace of meat to get themselves off, it makes my skin crawl so bad. Trust me he's out the door, not 1 thing of his left in the house, i couldn't be more mad, not even a girl in a club, but a stripper/prostitute!!

OP posts:

Sianilaa · 30/03/2013 10:59

I think I could potentially forgive my DH for a drunken one night stand - I could maybe understand getting blotto and getting carried away...

But for your DH to plan to get cash and go to a club, knowing he is going to pay a woman to gyrate all over him... It's premeditated, cold... It makes my skin crawl.

Sorry op xx

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 11:05

me to, At least i'm not the only one with these morals. xx

OP posts:

namechangeguy · 30/03/2013 11:07

I have skim read this thread so may have missed a previous answer, but how aware was he of your feelings in this matter? Is it a subject that has cropped up before in conversation?

If he knew how you would feel and did it anyway, he sounds like a twat. If I did something that I knew my wife would be repulsed by, I would expect no sympathy or forgiveness, drunk or not. If it was something that I had no idea about how she might feel, then there is room for forgiveness - at least until I did it again. Some women are okay with these places, and some are not.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 11:11

I asked him if he knew i would be upset-- and he said yes! it's the little details like that that hurt the most!!

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countrykitten · 30/03/2013 11:13

Tbh -I would not want to be with my dh after this. It would change the dynamic of our relationship too much and I know that I could not forgive him.

It's a gross violation of trust and it would be that (rather than the manky stripper sitting on his cock) that would make me finish it.

BumbleBee2011 · 30/03/2013 11:15

OP just wanted to say I'm expecting DD2, (DD1 will be 2 yo too) and what has happened to you has actually made me cry, it's horrible.

I would have done exactly the same thing as you, DH would be at his parents' for the foreseeable future and I would genuinely be weighing things up.

As an aside DH is going on a stag do next month, half feel like calling all our male friends in for a "chat" now about these places.

Dahlen · 30/03/2013 11:15

I'm largely in agreement with namechangeguy.

Strip clubs are a definite dealbreaker for me, and no partner I've ever been with would be under any confusion as to how I feel about it. But we live in a society, sadly, where these things are billed as a harmless form of entertainment and normalised. Have you talked about it? Although I'd be surprised if it hadn't come up in some way during the time you've been together.

That said, while I appreciate that many people are unaware of how harmful these places are, I'm not sure I could feel the same way about someone who hadn't even stopped to think about how these places worked and drawn some fairly obvious conclusions IMO.

namechangeguy · 30/03/2013 11:15

Then ask yourself whether you can trust him. Some people will grow up after a mistake like this. Some people will keep on taking the piss, doing what they want and then hope for forgiveness. What type of person is he?

AKissIsNotAContract · 30/03/2013 11:17

If he's saying she kept her thong on then he's a liar as well.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 11:24

I guess i never thought to say " oh by the way don't let naked women sit on u and pay them" (don't mean to sound funny) so no its never came up, and the only way to no he's going to change is give him a chance bt what if something happenes again? in months or years, its kind of my own fault then knowing what he's capable of, or maybe he will man up. i really don't know.
What makes u say that AKiss!!

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thezebrawearspurple · 30/03/2013 11:27

I don't for one second believe him when he says he didn't enjoy it, he's just trying to make you feel better. I don't really think there's anything wrong with what he did, it was just a dance, they're paying for the fantasy, better than going off with someone and acting it out. It wasn't a relationship, one night stand or even a mild flirtation, just a simple business transaction.

Unless they've been castrated or are asexual, men are going to fantasise, their heads will turn at a pretty girl, they will find other people attractive. As long as they stick to fantasy, then what's the big deal?

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 11:33

too me this is acting out fantasy though? watching porn is fantasising, "looking and not touching is fantasising" he had a naked girl on his lap turning him on, thats pretty messed up if u ask me. i don't believe him either he obviously liked it to sit there!!

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AKissIsNotAContract · 30/03/2013 11:34

Because the whole purpose of the private dances is for the woman to do more than she does when she dances in the main areas. Punters expect the women to get naked. (How do I know this? Several of my friends have been or still are lap dancers)

namechangeguy · 30/03/2013 11:35

I asked because I know my wife's feelings on this matter. If I had done what your dh had done, my wife would not be upset. But that is her, and I know how she feels because it has come up in discussion in the past.

If she was dead set against lapdancers, and I knew it, she would have every right to be angry. It isn't so much about the morals of the lapdancing industry, but how much your partner respects your views and feelings.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 11:35

Thanks, it's good to know! x

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countrykitten · 30/03/2013 11:46

zebra what a bloody feeble argument that is! It's better than getting off with someone....WTAF?

I do despair at some people I really do.

RunRabbit · 30/03/2013 11:47

Dealbreaker for me and same as cheating IMO. I couldn't put up with that level of disrespect.

How it goes on for you depends on what you want and whether this is a dealbreaker for you or something you can eventually overcome everythinghappensforareason.
Good luck whichever you choose, I can't imagine how you're feeling right now.

namechangeguy If you want to do something and you have no idea how your partner will react. Especially if the case is of a sexual nature. Wouldn't it make more sense to find out how the partner feels before engaging rather than saying, 'well I didn't know you weren't ok with it' after doing it and asking for forgiveness?

namechangeguy · 30/03/2013 11:56

Rabbit - yes, ideally you would ask. If my wife felt so strongly about something like this, I suspect I would know. Sometimes people can surprise you, though, with their feelings on a particular subject.

RaspberryRuffle · 30/03/2013 12:43

To Darkest eyes I happen to agree with zebra who views a lapdance as a business transaction, there is no emotional involvement, it is a fantasy for many...and doesn't bother me. The girl is getting paid so presumably is happy enough. If friends are giving lapdnces for free they are not getting paid, that is not a business transaction and is different, I would wonder why my friend wanted to perform a lapdance for my DH.

To everything I was sympathising with your plight as you are hurt (and many others would be too). I am not namechangeguy's wife but I also have not got a problem, it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me.
How young was the dancer, you asked how I would feel about a -young girl- dancing for my DH. That would obviously be wrong and abhorrent if underage girls are working in a lapdancing club.

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AnitaKnightSavesTheWorld · 30/03/2013 12:58

I guess i never thought to say " oh by the way don't let naked women sit on u and pay them"

Well quite!

It agree with you OP - it would be cheating as far as I'm concerned, and I would do the same as you. I do not want to be with a man who will use women working in the sex industry to get his rocks off.

Some people -apparently- are cool with their partners visiting these places and will tell you that you are 'over-reacting'. I have no idea why they would this - although I can take a few educated guesses. Ignore them - you know your own mind about this.

chris481 · 30/03/2013 13:22

"Men's sexual desires are not special or different to women's despite popular beliefs."

We probably need a separate thread for this, but it would cheer me up if someone could persuade me this is true. I heard a (female) Dutch researcher on the Today program once, she'd found that of women over the age of 30 who'd been in a relationship for more than four years, half (or was it two thirds?) had no interest in sex any more.

She didn't quote a figure for men, but I'd guess that the equivalent statistic would be less than 1% had no interest.

So I think men and women are often fundamentally incompatible, and a significant proportion of relationships contain a partner who is unhappy with their sex life.

Nature hasn't designed us to be compatible or happy, all it wants is for us to reproduce and our children to live until they reproduce.

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2013 13:26

Stripper or prostitute? Make your mind up OP.

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