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AIBU?

Strip club!

645 replies

everythinghappensforareason · 29/03/2013 21:41

So dh has been kicked out back to his Mothers following a night out Saturday, that ended at a strip club, not only that but also paying for a lap dance from a young girl in nothing but a thong. Ive never been so mad, there was 3 of them. It makes me feel sick, he has apologised + claimed he didn't enjoy it one bit, it was worse than he imagined etc. but i just feel like people around me ( his family) Probably think im over reacting, so my question is, what would u do?

OP posts:

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CharmingCats · 30/03/2013 00:14

This struck a chord with me, as it sounds as though I have similar views to op about strip clubs.
Before I get to my suggestion for action, I just wanted to pick up the bit where he said he didn't enjoy it and it wasn't what he expected. My DH said something similar about his experience of a lap dance (before we met). He said that it was quite seedy and that the stripper didn't smell very nice and he was not that impressed with the whole thing. So, that could be what your DH meant, perhaps?
On next steps, I agree that you have needed space (don't know how you are coping with a new born alone -poor you), but now you've had some time, you will need to address the issue. I would suggest inviting him back for a chat. Entirely up to you whether he can stay afterwards. All you need to say is how you felt at the time and how you feel about it now. Then ask him how he feels about it. Give him the chance to speak and explain. Try to stay as calm as possible and hear him out. As him how you can both make it better. He may well be feeling hurt by your reaction and may fear being told to leave again in the future. (don't get me wrong, I am not judging you having asked him to go, just preempting that he may say something about it).
You may feel that he can come home after this, but not share a bed and that you need to talk about it more another time. Try to keep the conversations about it short and focused. When you're not talking about it, don't talk about it. For you to reconcile, you both need to be certain not only that it won't happen again, but that it won't be brought up during disagreements about other things.
As others have said, Only you can decide whether this is a deal breaker. You must be feeling particularly vulnerable and tired and emotional with a new born. Ty not to make any major decisions quickly, but do talk to your DH.

CharmingCats · 30/03/2013 00:16

X posts there! Totally understand that you don't want to see him now. More suggestions for when you do feel ready.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 00:19

he meant it in a way that maybe a man would fantasise about this, but doing it for real is quite scary and dirty, and he didn't realise it would be so sexual! he said without details if it was me and another man he would end it for sure.

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MrsSpagBol · 30/03/2013 00:24

Hopefloats your comments are outrageous !!!

CharmingCats · 30/03/2013 00:25

Yes, that's what my DH meant too. The reality can be more sordid and a lot less glamorous.

CharmingCats · 30/03/2013 00:26

It sounds as though he has a lot of empathy, fwiw.

aldiwhore · 30/03/2013 00:27

I think it's critical for you both to be in the same building and meet it head on. The thought of it will haunt you for a while however you face it, but you are married with a new born and (I suspect) love each other very much (apart from this, which will shake you).

I only say this because your child does need both parents there at present, if there's a chance you will remain together, it's important that you are both 'the norm' right now. (If it's over, your baby will also be fine, but that's a different norm!).

If a man loves you, your body can't be beat. That doesn't mean he won't find another unattractive. It's you he wants. He's ALMOST denied himself that forver via his own stupidity. My lovely DH has an ideal 'body' and it isn't mine, but it's mine he wants... does that makes sense? You need to talk, you need to be face to face, you need to have him in the marital home and work through it. You may not want it, it may be painful, but this is your marriage... if it doesn't work out, you've given it your best.

I'm not saying this because I'm liberal or an ice maiden who can simply put aside bad, hurtful, stupid behaviour, but because maybe our 'golden oldies' have it right, it's between you two, you have to face it, or you'll have no chance. You have the moral highground here, hopefully he'll be feeling distressed and scared too. Do not give MIL (no matter how nice) TMI... as a couple, if you're to see this through, you need to face each other sooner rather than later.

No second chances, lots of talking, lots of tears, united with your baby, and a lot of time. Rash decisions will see you single quick, and that is OKAY if that's the way it turns out, and it will be his fault ultimately. My advice is be brave, tell him all of this again and again and again face to face, just you two, and see where you are in 6 months (there is no quick fix). x

Darkesteyes · 30/03/2013 00:41

everythinghappensforareasonSat 30-Mar-13 00:19:07

he meant it in a way that maybe a man would fantasise about this, but doing it for real is quite scary and dirty, and he didn't realise it would be so sexual! he said without details if it was me and another man he would end it for sure.

Which makes him a raging hypocrite as well as a mysogynist.

aldiwhore · 30/03/2013 00:45

I think most people are hypothetical hypocrites?

Mysogynist? I think that's more about the person as a whole, not an action? Although his behaviour certainly was. I have behaved in ways that disrespected men in the past, but I'm not the label.

Nit picking.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 00:49

it does indeed! if this is going too work we defiantly need to start over, build our trust etc. I just can't beliive he did this x

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RaspberryRuffle · 30/03/2013 00:52

I wouldn't kick him out and especially not to his mum's. Aldiwhore seems spot on about a marriage being a unit, at worst make him sleep on sofa.
I personally wouldn't class a lapdance as cheating. It seems ott to split over this, use the chance to talk, let him know you were hurt and let him make it up to you...obviously he will now know how you feel about these clubs so for the future it would be different (for you, which is what matters).
Incidentally I know girls who had no student debt and earned what they deemed 'easy money' in clubs.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 01:05

so raspberry if ur dh let a young girl grind on his lap? and put her tits in his face that's ok? fair enough- each to there own i guess. Not acceptable to me though. I'd rather my man only had eyes for me.

Ive seen alot on tv how most r students, good luck to them. I'm mad at DH for what he did, its that young girls family that should be dealing with her, i personally would rather my daughter was in debt than flashing her body for money, she's worth much more!!

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Darkesteyes · 30/03/2013 01:07

Would you class it as cheating if one of your friends or one of his female friends had lap danced for him "as a laugh" and money hadnt changed hands?

Not being facetious im honestly asking.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 01:09

well if she was fully clothed and it was a laugh and he hadn't gone to a strip club to see a naked stranger, then no it wouldn't be.
... that's a terrible comparison :s

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DramaLlamaFarmer · 30/03/2013 01:11

One only has to get as far as half way down the first page before HollyBerryBush can be found dispensing life advice like tic tacs. I have to wonder if this poster is in fact employed by a rag newspaper in order to incite emotive responses.

Darkesteyes · 30/03/2013 01:12

everything my last post was directed at Raspberry Ruffle because she said she didnt consider a lap dance as cheating so im asking if she would see it the same way if there was no money involved.

I feel the same way as you and Mrs Pratchett everything.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 01:13

oh my bad, sorry :)

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Darkesteyes · 30/03/2013 01:15

Everything i would feel EXACTLY the same as you.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 01:21

Thankyou for understanding, i think i just wanted to feel like i wasn't the onl person to see this as betrayal and disrespectful xx

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aldiwhore · 30/03/2013 01:30

I'd be beyond livid and hurt if my DH did this everything I'm not trying to make it sound like what he did was okay.

It falls within the realms of cheating for sure, as in, doing something that you KNOW is unacceptable and hurtful, being involved in any activity that could be considered 'intimate'. Definitely not a situation where a 'sorry' is enough, or something that is easily fixed.

The fact that he loves you doesn't make other women unattractive, but should make him not act on that attraction. Beer, ease of access, a controlled public environment, money changing hands, friends doing the same - not excuses, nothing 'excuses' his behaviour - but are all mitigating circumstances that could make a good person do a bad thing.

There's no such thing really as 'only having eyes' for one person, there's millions of beautiful people in the world, I'm not the prettiest woman my DH has ever met, I'm the one he's chosen to be exclusive with. That's the point. He should only have loyalty to you, and he's messed up hasn't he?

Is he worth working through this? Do you believe him when he says it was a mistake (whether he enjoyed it at the time or not?) do you believe that he will learn? Will you be able to forgive him? (Not men in general, him, that man you know...)

Once is a mistake, twice is a choice.

I was snogged a horror of a man when out with the girls, goaded, drunk, in the moment (not whilst with DH, my first 'love') and I felt utterly rotten. Utterly.

everythinghappensforareason · 30/03/2013 01:47

I said to a friend though if he was just in the moment in a club drunken similar to your case, then i might have forgiven a little easier, he went there knowing what was what, as in it was never a shock to be in that situation, although i think he is shocked and it was more full on than he expected!

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Numberlock · 30/03/2013 07:27

So other than sending the texts saying how sorry he is, what else is he suggesting in terms of proving his worth to you?

Is he suggesting meeting up to talk? Counselling? Asking to do his share with the baby?

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everydayaschoolday · 30/03/2013 08:26

Morning Everything. Hope you managed to get some sleep last night. You clearly love each other very much. I think you'll work this through together, but I'm not dismissing how hurt you feel or how hard it might be to put it behind you both. Hope it works out x

Creameggkr · 30/03/2013 08:48

Op I've seen hundreds of these threads over the years and its generally the same. Lots of balanced calm advice with a few either end to the extreme. Either - get divorced (not always practical or necessary) or the apologists who day it's just Menz needing their sexy time (equally ridiculous)
The thing is for most if us it is unacceptable for put partners to pay family money for a strange girl to dance naked whilst our husbands stare at them with a hard on!!
For those who aren't bothered by it then that's up to them but what you need to remember is that he went there of his own accord. Being drunk is not a cop out for bad behaviour.
It's not your fault for not giving him enough sex.
Men's sexual desires are not special or different to women's despite popular beliefs.
So don't get upset with people who are telling you how wrong you are. Concentrate on the posters who hold the same beliefs and maybe take their suggestions.
For what it's worth I'd do what you are doing.
I would also be very hurt and disillusioned.
Good luck

Lessthanaballpark · 30/03/2013 08:50

Once is a mistake, twice is a choice

I like that. Very wise.

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