Strip club!

[everythinghappensforareason]

So dh has been kicked out back to his Mothers following a night out Saturday, that ended at a strip club, not only that but also paying for a lap dance from a young girl in nothing but a thong. Ive never been so mad, there was 3 of them. It makes me feel sick, he has apologised + claimed he didn't enjoy it one bit, it was worse than he imagined etc. but i just feel like people around me ( his family) Probably think im over reacting, so my question is, what would u do?

verbal they are the ones who live in black and white land.

Last Saturday I went to see the Danny Boyle film "Trances". In one scene Rosario Dawson is full frontally nude. Should my OH now divorce me for this.

No, I don't live in black and white land.

I just am not prepared to make excuses for men who don't respect women.

And I'm not prepared to live with cognitive dissonance or denial.

And I don't believe all men are shit.

And equating seeing a scene in a mainstream film with supporting the sex industry and then accusing other people of having a black and white view of the world, makes you sound rather confused.

So Kate Winslett getting her kit off in every film she makes is OK 'cos she's a highly paid "mainstream" actress whilst a struggling woman making a few extra quid in a strip club is not.

Both do what they do to sell tickets.

Cognitive dissonance writ large

Dreamingofsummer - what is your point?

You can't decide what is ok for someone else

Some people may find Kate Winslet nude in a movie nude offensive, and choose not to watch that movie. If you don't mind, watch the movie!

Surely this post is about how the OP feels about the matter, in relation to her husband and her marriage?

How can you tell someone else what is or what is not a deal breaker in their marriage? That just makes no sense????

If you are fine with your DH going to a strip club, that is good for you. OP is not. That's the point. That is why you are maried to your DH and she is married to hers.

CANNOT understand why this is so difficult to comprehend?!

I don't believe all men are shit either. It is depressing to see how low an opinion some women have of men - they need porn, LDCs are harmless fun, we have to submit to sexual practices we might not enjoy out of kindness to our man etc etc ad infinitum

I have a very high opinion of my dh as many women on here have of theirs - why are there a few posters trying to tarnish this and bring these good men (and our relationships ) down to their own sordid level?

countrykitten - because they're jealous of your relationship.

Seriously, lots of women live with really shit men and they're either jealous of the ones who don't, or simply can't bear to believe that there are better men than the one they're with - they can't bear to really look at the ones they're with and hide behind the "all men are like him" bollocks.

Thus insulting all the decent men out there who aren't like their shitty husbands and calling those of us who insist that men aren't all like their shitty husbands and some of them are really quite nice, manhaters.

And again DreamingofSummer, your misguided attempt to pretend that going to a mainstream film which may feature nudity is the same as supporting the sex industry, is not a very good effort.

There's a discussion to be had about that but that discussion should probably not be had on a thread where an OP is looking for support because her DH has threatened her marriage. Unless the OP would find it helpful of course.

MrsSpagBol

My point....

The OP kicked her husband out then "asked what would you do?"

The black and whiters then said "dump the bastard".

We in the real world don't see things in this absolute way. I used the Trances example to illustrate this.

Actually no-one's said dump the bastard.

What they have said is that if this behaviour is a result of this man's essential character and values, then they would dump the bastard.

There's been some discussion about whether something like this could be a youthful mistake, the result of being raised in a porn-sick culture which can be put right.

People get very upset about the suggestion that women don't have to live with men whose character and values are incompatible with their own. And they get upset by the suggestion that what men do is a guide to their character and values.

I think the op will sort it out with her dh. From what I gathered from her posts, he was genuinely apologetic, admitted that he saw it as cheating, generally seemed remorseful and willing to make it up to her.

Hopefully this has made him consider his actions and realise that having a lapdance is not just a bit of harmless fun. It can lose you your wife and family.

I hope she does sort it out with him - and I hope he won't be leaving her at home with a newborn, while he pays another woman to dance practically naked in front of him again.

However, I don't know why people don't believe other posters here wouldn't leave their dh's over this - I don't really know how we can make it any clearer. Some of us regard it as an essential part of our relationships that our husbands don't use the sex industry. I'd rather be on my own than married to a man who could use and abuse women in this way.

Yes - no one on here has said 'dump the bastard' and I too hope that they work it out, seconding the sentiments of Sabrina's post.

FB it is truly grim what some women will put up with and how they assume that all men are the same - Eyes is a case in point - then slate women who want and have better things from a relationship. I think that you are right that jealousy is playing a part here and they are not strong enough to be single rather than with a horrible man.

Sabrina

Please define "the sex industry*

Page 3? Nude scenes in mainstream movies? Nuts magazine? Underwear adverts in M&S? Madonna records? Francis Bacon's paintings? Sophie Dahl's photo on a hoarding?

Spagbol, no I haven't read the entire thread, it's 17 pages long and I simply don't have the time, sorry if this upsets you.

I have to agree its a very black and white view and its very easy to sit at a keyboard and say I would do this or that but I think if some on here really had to face this issue themselves they might think differently.

If you think lap dancing is part of the 'sex industry' that says more about your state of mind than lap dancing itself, what has stripping got to do with sex? I suppose this goes to explain why there is this double standard, men go to watch strippers to get turned on but women only do it for a bit of a laugh. In other words all men are basically perverts who can only think with their dicks.

It would be interesting to know where you would draw the line,porn, a mainstream film, page 3, television programmes? When your on holiday and you go to the beach do you make your OH close his eyes in case he sees a pair of breasts?

Here you go Dreaming - just in case you were confused.

Lap dancing clubs are defined as SEV's (sex entertainment venues) and they are most definitely part of the sex industry.

M&S underwear ads are not considered part of the sex industry by sane people.

No, I do not make my dh close his eyes on a beach, and I have sunbathed topless on the beach with and without him.

If you can't see the difference between these things, then I'm not I can really help you.

Oh, and if a man wants to go to a strip club and get turned on paying women to strip for him, then he won't be in a relationship with me. It really is that simple. You make your own choices in your relationships, and I'll make mine.

If stripping has nothing to do with sex and the sex industry - how come LDCs need a licence to be a "sexual entertainment venue" and why then do some men pay for a woman to take off her clothes and dance in a highly sexualised way for him, exposing her genital area and often going as far as rubbing her breasts in his face?

As to where to draw the line, that's up to individual couples surely?

But do you really think this is about insecure women not wanting their partners to see naked female flesh?
As for my own personal view - I would not be married to a man who thought it was acceptable to go to LDCs , some women are ok with that but they have absolutely no right to tell other women, who aren't ok with it that they are stupid/insecure/jealous/whatever.

Do you think it's acceptable for a married man with a newborn to go to a club and pay for a private dance with a stripper?

How is stripping naked, rubbing your breasts, spreading your legs to expose your vagina and gyrating not sexual? Seriously? What part of that isn't sexual and designed to a) sexually arouse the person watching and b) make them feel they have power over the person they are watching?

Incidentally I view male strippers in the same way. It's not a laugh, it's demeaning. When I had my hen do I informed my friends that if a stripper turned up I'd be going home. I unfriended someone on FB last week because she posted a picture of a male stripper. Most women on here don't have double standards about this despite what sex industry apologists would like to think.

It doesn't matter if I'm at a keyboard or in RL, I would not have a relationship with a man who holds completely different values and ethics from me.

I don't understand why that is so difficult for some women to believe.

Do you all have relationships with partners who hold completely different ethical standards to you or something? And believe that every other woman should/ does do the same?

I know some women are so ground down by a society which encourages women to have low self-esteem that they will make all sorts of compromises in order to just say that they live with a man. But some of us manage to overcome our conditioning and refuse to make those compromises. I would rather never fuck again, than have to live with a man I don't respect. I just don't know why some people find that so difficult to believe, our society at least pays lip service to that idea, even if it discourages women from pursuing it.

ChairmanWow I agree with you re male strippers.

Verbal - amazed by your post! Crackers.

I'm not entirely sure what having a baby has got to do with anything, yes I think it's acceptable, I also think the way you paint the picture and the reality of the situation are probably very different.

I often go to a pub on a Saturday before the match that has strippers on,OH knows this and has actually dropped me off outside. She also knows I don't really like going there because I don't like the beer they sell. I'd rather go somewhere else but some of my friends, mostly the single ones actually like to go there for the strippers. You'll always find us standing at the back because I refuse to stand up front and I'm more likely to be watching a match on the big screen than taking any notice of the stage.
Not quite the same as a lap dancing club but the reality of a situation. Am I cheating by being there? Would you say that was a deal breaker?

Thanks countrykitten, nice to know anyone you don't agree with is crackers.

Yes I would Verbal.

But luckily you're not married to me so it's not an issue.

I would not want to be with a man who chose friends who were nobbers. You know what people are like by the things they do and the company they keep.

Oh - verbal is a punter. I can see why he'd need to normalise it then.

See how they always minimise it?

"I don't even want to go there, but all my mates do. And I don't even look at the strippers. Is that ok?"

Well, no it wouldn't be ok with me as I've said.