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AIBU?

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Original poster

Strip club!

645 replies

everythinghappensforareason · 29/03/2013 21:41

So dh has been kicked out back to his Mothers following a night out Saturday, that ended at a strip club, not only that but also paying for a lap dance from a young girl in nothing but a thong. Ive never been so mad, there was 3 of them. It makes me feel sick, he has apologised + claimed he didn't enjoy it one bit, it was worse than he imagined etc. but i just feel like people around me ( his family) Probably think im over reacting, so my question is, what would u do?

OP posts:
FucktidiaBollockberry · 03/04/2013 14:04

I just can't imagine wanting to move in a social scene which included men who got to strip joints.

Euuuw, frankly

I'd rather be a hermit. Grin

But luckily that's not necessary there are loads of people out there who don't have these sorts of values - in fact, they're the majority, most people don't go to strip bars regularly - so I don't need to move to that cave just yet.

Verbalpunchbag · 03/04/2013 14:06

Fucktidia, it's nice to know you vet your OH's friends, how nice for him.

I think calling me a punter is stretching the imagination a bit, if you want to call offering my view normalising it that's fine.

Verbalpunchbag · 03/04/2013 14:08

I'm not minimising, it happens to be the truth, I didn't ask if it was ok, I don't need your permission.

FucktidiaBollockberry · 03/04/2013 14:12

See I knew you'd frame it in that way - of "vetting" someone's friends.

Mature reasonable people don't do that.

They look at the sort of people potential partners hang around with and if those people are generally low-lives, they decide that that says something about that potential partner. We choose our friends. In general, the friends we choose are consistent (broadly) with our values, interests and outlook.

One of the reasons we grow away from certain friends, is because their interests, values, priorities, whatever, differ from our's. Or we get closer to people whos interests, values etc., becoming increasingly closer to our's.

Sensible grown up people understand that judging a man by the company he keeps, isn't "vetting". Only people who have a really simplistic, combative and confrontational approach to relationships see it that way.

FucktidiaBollockberry · 03/04/2013 14:13

And again, it's infantilising men.

I wouldn't dream of "vetting" a partner's friends.

A man who wasn't capable of choosing his own decent friends, is not a man I'd want to live with.

Again.

Grin
countrykitten · 03/04/2013 14:15

verbal what was crackers about your post was your ridiculous assertion that lap dancing clubs and strippers are not actually part of the sex industry. That has been refuted (with clear evidence) by several posters on here so I think that is pretty much cleared up.

The fact that you go to a pub you don't really like just to hang our with your lecherous friends who want to look at strippers says a great deal about you! The fact that your wife drops you off at said pub does not mean that she is happy about it does it?

And you go to a pub that has strippers - you are a punter aren't you?

Verbalpunchbag · 03/04/2013 14:35

You resort to childish name-calling, calling people low-lives and i'm the one who is immature? If you haven't vetted his friends how do you know if they're punters or not? The truth is you don't know, there is nothing combative or confrontational about that.

Countrykitten, just because for the purpose of licensing it's called part of the sex industry doesn't mean i have to agree with the definition, to me there's nothing sexual about me being there. If you want to call me a punter go ahead. You often see women in there with their partners, i wouldn't call them punters either but i guess you would.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 03/04/2013 14:36

verbal - people who go to strip clubs and people that own strips clubs all try to normalise it. They always try to make out that all men go to them. This allows seedy men, like your mates, to feel ok about leering at strippers dancers - because everyone does it. It makes women into sexual objects - just a pretty decoration in a bar, something to leer at, or ignore while you watch the match.

Ask yourself how you'd feel if one saturday you glanced over and saw all your single mates leering over your OH. Or your daughter.

countrykitten · 03/04/2013 14:44

Stripping isn't sexual? Lapdancing isn't sexual? I find Sabrina's comments spot on and also I find it almost sinister that you are trying to normalise your tacky behaviour.

If this is the case - why do your friends go there? You have already said yourself it is to look at the strippers - do you still argue that this is non sexual? Why do they want to look at the naked women then?

Verbalpunchbag · 03/04/2013 14:58

I've never made out all men go there or that everyone does it and no i wouldn't like anyone leering at my OH but then she isn't a stripper and doesn't get paid to be leered at. Having been there i don't think it has made me view women as sexual objects and i know for a fact if i did treat women in that way my OH would have something to say about it.

Country i said it wasn't sexual to me, not to the whole of mankind but maybe that's because i'm not taking that much notice and no i haven't conducted a poll to ask other men why they go there. That's their business, they're grown ups and can make their own decisions.

FucktidiaBollockberry · 03/04/2013 15:00

It's not childish name calling, it's my estimation of men who objectify women. It's my belief that they're low lives.

I also don't understand your point about vetting people's friends. Grown ups don't need other people to vet their friends for them, they're perfectly capable of making their own choices. If I make friends with someone who goes to lapdancing clubs and doesn't tell me about it, then he's misleading me as to his values isn't he, so he's a liar. What's your point?

countrykitten · 03/04/2013 15:10

So, just to be clear - stripping /lapdancing is non-sexual to you. Do yo concede that it is sexual for other men who attend these places?

Also - your only objection to your OH being leered at by men when stripping is that she is not paid to be a stripper. Soooo - if she WAS paid to strip you would presumably be happy with it? If not - why not?

Verbalpunchbag · 03/04/2013 15:16

Fucktidia, you interview potential friends and ask them their views on strip clubs? It seems strange that in your estimation people are low-lives casting judgement on them and in the very next sentence say grown ups are capable of making their own choices. If the strippers and the punters are grown ups and free to make their own decisions and are both doing something perfectly legal who are you to judge them, nobody is forced to do strip or watch. I don't seek to impose my views on anyone else.

BelaLugosisShed · 03/04/2013 15:18

Verbal, what do these strippers at the pub actually do as part of their act?

Im trying to get my head around a world where going to a pub to watch strippers and football is deemed a normal Saturday afternoon out, I'm pretty shocked that pubs are allowed to have strippers.

countrykitten · 03/04/2013 15:21

And I am awaiting an answer to my question re your OH and stripping for money?

countrykitten · 03/04/2013 15:22

Or your DD - or any woman you love....

countrykitten · 03/04/2013 15:23

Or am I right in thinking that it's ok for 'other women' to do this - but not your OH/DD whatever....if this is the case, why?

Verbalpunchbag · 03/04/2013 15:31

Country i was only explaining my own experience to try and show not everything is as black and white as some might think. I can't be held responsible for what other men think.

As we're both middle aged and employed and comfortable we've never been in a position where we'd have to consider stripping as a job so it's difficult to answer that honestly. But i wouldn't want to stop anyone else making a good living by stripping if that's what they wanted to do, i don't seek to impose my views or values on anyone else.

Verbalpunchbag · 03/04/2013 15:34

Bela, they stand on a stage and strip and dance while a bunch of idiots gather around at shout at them. It is a town centre pub but obviously not a family pub, nobody can see inside and it's not as unusual as you might think.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 03/04/2013 15:40

Having been there i don't think it has made me view women as sexual objects

You are. By going into a club which has strippers you are viewing and condoning the use of women as sexual objects. You said it yourself - they're just in the background while you watch the match, and your mates are leering at them.

In fact, you've normalised this to yourself so much, that you don't even see it as a sexual thing any more. Confused It's part of your sphere of normality to have women stripping for men's titillation while you watch the match. Even though in your first post here you said 'men like to be aroused by strippers' - you still think it's not a sexual thing?

FucktidiaBollockberry · 03/04/2013 15:46

Arf.

Yes every time I take on a new friend, I get them to fill in a questionnaire about their political and ethical positions. I employ an equal opportunity policy, those with the highest marks get through to the next round of interviewing.

I don't see where the contradiction is between saying that people are grown ups and capable of making their own choices and saying that people are low lives. Some people make the choice to be low lives, why is that incompatible with seeing them as autonomous beings?

What are you saying? That I have no right to choose not to be friends or lovers with people whose ethics and values directly contradict my own? I don't think people who go to strip clubs should be sent to prison (unless they're committing criminal actions which deserve a prison sentence, obv), I just don't want to live with them or be friends with them. In the same way that I wouldn't want to live with racists, or people who didn't read books ever, or were alcoholics, or wanted to keep pet snakes. We all have things we prefer not to live with or be around. What's your problem with that?

Verbalpunchbag · 03/04/2013 15:48

Sorry sabrina but i just don't agree, you may as well say by being in a pub i condone brewery's turning people into alcoholics, they are all adults free to do as they choose. Maybe some of the men do have an unhealthy view of women, but i wouldn't say that applied to all men simply because they are there, or that stripping is to blame for their twisted view. some men view shoes as a sexual thing but you wouldn't suggest we ban them, you can't take a stance against something just because you disagree with the views of a minority who have a problem.

BelaLugosisShed · 03/04/2013 15:49

Well it's unusual to me, although grim is more the word I'd use for it.
I'm very glad I don't know any men who would think this was a normal thing to do - as for the idiots who gather round and shout at the strippers , they really are low-life scum, thankfully most men aren't like this.

Verbalpunchbag · 03/04/2013 15:52

fucktidia, my problem is while you talk about your freedom of choice to choose your friends you don't seem to agree that others should have the freedom of choice to take their clothes off for a living if they wish or that others should have the freedom to watch. It seems people have the freedom to do what they like as long as you say it's ok.

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 03/04/2013 15:55

Dear Lord! Cross-posted with verbal there. You actually willingly spend time in a place like that, when you're not even interested in the stripers??

Of course the beer's awful - punters aren't there for the beer! They're there for the nekkid ladies.