Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think some people resent me being a sahm?

211 replies

PurpleMacaroon · 02/03/2013 21:25

I was recently working part time but the company went into liquidation and sadly I was made redundant - and have been a sahm since October. We can still pay the bills and have some left over to do what we want with and thankfully I had managed to save too whilst I was working. We were surprised that this has worked well for us and we're planning on having another baby soon so I won't be going back to work any time soon.

I gave my friends a lift home last night (it was literally a 2 minute drive) so I said in a jokey way - "you both owe me petrol money" and they laughed and one said back - "don't you mean we owe your husband petrol money?"

I was invited by a friend to go on a weekend trip to Berlin (I went, cheap flight, standard hotel - nothing extravagant.) Didn't even bother to mention it until my friend asked me to go out for lunch on Saturday and I said I couldn't and she asked why. When I told her, she said "how the hell can you afford that when you're unemployed?? Oh is your husband paying then?"

It just hurts because I never judge or openly comment on them for their life decisions.

OP posts:
nailak · 02/03/2013 21:28

look at them with an eyebrow raised and say, don't you save money up for a rainy day? wow!

LeftMeInSuspenders · 02/03/2013 21:29

Re: the petrol money joke.I think maybe your friend didn't think you were joking and thought you may have been having a dig at her. Is she a non-driver? There are countless threads about non-drivers apparently ''expecting'' lifts and not appreciating them.

Bluelightsandsirens · 02/03/2013 21:29

How very rude of them!

I've been a SAHM and working parent both have pros and cons but salary has nothing to do with it.

Our children + our money and all that.

Shakey1500 · 02/03/2013 21:31

I would have had to say incredulously "My husband paying? Why on earth would you think such a thing?! I'm paying for myself of course you silly moo don't you have your own money?"

Or words to that effect.

WhatsTheBuzz · 02/03/2013 21:31

maybe they're just surprised because many people not in work are badly struggling.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 02/03/2013 21:31

She doesnt sound like much of a friend.

Original poster
PurpleMacaroon · 02/03/2013 21:31

No LeftMeInSuspenders they honestly knew I was joking as I said it in an obvious jokey way and they both laughed when I said it.

We are all drivers and always giving each other lifts and never pay petrol money to one another or expect it.

OP posts:
Kat101 · 02/03/2013 21:32

Maybe they're jealous that your husbands salary funds trips, car expenses etc. Maybe they are not as financially stable as you. That's different from being jealous of your sahm status though.

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2013 21:32

You know some very strange people.

I've been a SAHM for years and have never experienced anyone saying a dickie bird.

Manchesterhistorygirl · 02/03/2013 21:33

Some people do resent others being sahm, as one acquaintance said to me " it's ok for those lazy cows who sit on their arses all day at their husbands expense", HmmShock

Ignore OP, ignore.

coldcupoftea · 02/03/2013 21:36

Do they have kids? In my experience, most WOHMs would not openly judge a SAHM like that, they know the deal. But people without kids who have always worked might think it funny/old-fashioned to be a SAHM. A bit mean when you have been made redundant though!

LeftMeInSuspenders · 02/03/2013 21:37

I think it can be jealousy. My friends are all lovely but my DH friend made a comment to DH about how I had it ''cushty'' being a SAHM.
This guy's mother provides free childcare for his son so both he and his partner can work, I personally feel 'that' is pretty cushty.

Original poster
PurpleMacaroon · 02/03/2013 21:41

Yes I have children haha, I wouldn't call myself a stay at home mum if I wasn't.

OP posts:
ElfOnTheTopShelf · 02/03/2013 21:42

I wouldn't be bothered about you being a sahm if you were my friend.

My husband lost his job nine months ago and struggled to find new work (worked in a fairly specialist area). I work, and we were managing on my wages. We did get some raised eyebrows about DH not working.

The only time I have ever got het up about the working/non working parent debate is when somebody I know passed comment that parents should be at home to look after their children and shouldn't have kids if they couldn't afford them. Almost gave myself an ulcer refraining from pointing out that the only reason she and her husband were able to stay at home with the kids all day was because other people went to work to paid into the system that ultiamtely paid her. Other than that - I try not to pass judgement as to what people do, we are all parents just trying to raise our children.

parabelle · 02/03/2013 21:43

Why don't you ask them if it bothers you?
If you're comfortable with the set up and you feel as a family it's right for you, why worry about it?

aldiwhore · 02/03/2013 21:44

What Worra said, with bells on.

Of course, everyone's entitled to their own opinions when it comes to roles within families and how finances are viewed... but that's not the point at all, they're plain rude, I LOATHE sly digs badly masked as 'just joking'.

I was a SAHM for 8 years, worked full time for 1, now part time, and have never really encountered comments from anyone who wasn't generally a twat anyway.

I expect to discuss, disagree, and be judged generally on here, I actively engage in the 'debate' but other than that, comment on my life and next time you're walking home [passiveaggressivesmiley]

MyDarlingClementine · 02/03/2013 21:46

just marking my place.

coldcupoftea · 02/03/2013 21:46

No, I said do they have children? As a parent would probably understand more about the realities of being a SAHM and the choices we make, while non-parents might assume it's all a bit of a jolly at your husband's expense!

LineRunner · 02/03/2013 21:47

Well, obviously you have chosen friends who resent you being a SAHM.

Not sure anyone else is bothered, though.

TheBookofRuth · 02/03/2013 21:48

Yeah, I get this too. Was out with some friends last night, and I lost count of the number of times they called me "a lady of leisure", or made comments about how they wanted to meet a rich man/woman to keep them.

I just laughed and shrugged it off - partly because I do think I'm very lucky to be in my position but also because I'd put money on none of them working as hard as I do.

None of them have kids, btw - I fully expect that WOHM work harder than me!

LineRunner · 02/03/2013 21:49

Seriously, get better friends.

AlwaysWashing · 02/03/2013 21:51

I agree, how very rude & smacks a bit of jealousy I'm afraid.
A lapsed friend said to me in a snarky sort of way "Oh but you don't DO working anymore do you." I didn't feel bad replying "Wonderful isn't it, I get to stay home and bring my own children up instead of farming them out to nursery."
He p*ed me off sufficiently to say that & I absolutely know that working parents are just as great as sahp ( before I get ripped to shreds) & that the choice to work or stay at home isn't even a choice for many. I felt totally belittled and insulted (for a whole 5 minutes) but frankly given the choice between leaving my DC with someone else for 8 hours a day or not, well I'm a very happy sahm Grin

WorraLiberty · 02/03/2013 21:52

It's not like raising your kids without paid/outside help is a new thing either, is it?

SAHMs have been doing this since they were SICMs (Stay in cave mums) Grin

NK2b1f2 · 02/03/2013 21:54

Not sure I'd still call them my friends. How rude of them to make snide remarks when it is really none of their business.

BlackholesAndRevelations · 02/03/2013 21:54

What does "just marking my place" actually mean? If it's because you want to keep track of the thread, wtf don't you just make an actual real comment instead of this place marking bollocks?

To the OP; the grass is always greener, and those "friends" are clearly very jealous, which is a very unattractive trait. Just make some snidey comment back such as the ones mentioned upthread.