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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think some people resent me being a sahm?

211 replies

PurpleMacaroon · 02/03/2013 21:25

I was recently working part time but the company went into liquidation and sadly I was made redundant - and have been a sahm since October. We can still pay the bills and have some left over to do what we want with and thankfully I had managed to save too whilst I was working. We were surprised that this has worked well for us and we're planning on having another baby soon so I won't be going back to work any time soon.

I gave my friends a lift home last night (it was literally a 2 minute drive) so I said in a jokey way - "you both owe me petrol money" and they laughed and one said back - "don't you mean we owe your husband petrol money?"

I was invited by a friend to go on a weekend trip to Berlin (I went, cheap flight, standard hotel - nothing extravagant.) Didn't even bother to mention it until my friend asked me to go out for lunch on Saturday and I said I couldn't and she asked why. When I told her, she said "how the hell can you afford that when you're unemployed?? Oh is your husband paying then?"

It just hurts because I never judge or openly comment on them for their life decisions.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 04/03/2013 20:59

Mine are selection box kids, left with the dregs, the Skittles of my attention.

SPBInDisguise · 04/03/2013 21:16

Oh pagwatch, you're just a chocolate coating short of a picnic

monkeynuts123 · 04/03/2013 21:21

Oh dear another bitchfest breaks out. Ignore them OP they nearly stuck my head on a stick for asking less. Meh

scottishmummy · 04/03/2013 21:31

I digress I hate the word bitchfest,it's so demeaning
So women vociferously debate subject and they are bitches?not good
It demeans women's opinions,or fierce debate as bitchy and somehow trivial

JenaiMorris · 04/03/2013 21:44

Skittle kids. Poor Skittens :(

LineRunner · 04/03/2013 21:52

Jenai

My kids are older now.

They are Skiteens.

JenaiMorris · 04/03/2013 22:00

LR's skiteens :(

JenaiMorris · 04/03/2013 22:04

monkey this hasn't been a bitchfest really, has it?

Basically we're all pretty much in agreement that our children seem fine, regardless of our employment choices. One or two seem a little oversensitive but that's always the case with subjects like these.

Kytti · 05/03/2013 00:18

I'm quite amazed scottishmummy has a job at all, never mind a career. Your English skill are shockingly bad! (Snorts.)

Mimishimi · 05/03/2013 00:44

Weirdly enough IME it's always those who are first to come out with snide remarks who are also first to ask for my help if some childcare emergency comes up. And weirdly enough, it has nothing to do with working status, if you just work less hours than them you are equally the butt of their jokes and also perceived as free backup care. Thankfully those sort are few and far between though. Once had one man openly turn his back on me at a party, in front of others, when he learned I was taking time off to care for my six month old Confused. We were mid convo and as soon as that ame up, he just walked right off. He got drunk and verbally abusive that night though so it was generally accepted he was just a jerk.

janey68 · 05/03/2013 07:12

Then that guy was a knob mimishimi. Just as The poster a few posts back who claimed WOHP don't love their children as much and apparently she has 'evidence' to prove it, is also a knob

chubbymomie2012 · 05/03/2013 07:33

i worked full time with my first two babies butnwhen 3 and 4 came along we decided it would be easier and less stressfull all round for me to stay ay home andncare for them all. The majority of my pals work and infact thats how i knew them theybare fine and openlynadmit they would love to be off but circumstances prevent that from happening. like the previous poster I find men the worst. The automaticallynassume because u stay at home u have no brain and nothing to contribute to any conversation!!!

janey68 · 05/03/2013 07:40

Going back to the OP, I also wish people
Would realise that it's perfectly normal for everyone to sometimes have 'grass is greener' moments, without it meaning they envy someone elses life. Sure, when it's cold grey pissing down with rain morning, there are times when i wish I could drop the kids at school and return to bed, rather than do a days work. Do I want that enough to give up my job? Of course not.

JenaiMorris · 05/03/2013 07:57

IME it's always those who are first to come out with snide remarks who are also first to ask for my help if some childcare emergency comes up

I have two explanations for this. These are the ones who find organising childcare the hardest - no family nearby, variable hours, prohibitive cost etc. It's not surprising they feel at least a bit of envy towards SAHPs, although that doesn't excuse snide remarks.

Or, they're not very nice, in which case if it wasn't employment status it'd be the state of your house or something else that had nothing to do with them that they'd be making comments about.

Or actually I have a third, which is that people find offence far too easily and see slights in the most benign of conversations.

sweetkitty · 05/03/2013 12:51

I had this this morning again, I was dropping DD3 off at nursery and thing DS to toddlers and had made cakes for them "lucky for you I'm off to work" was the comment.

Yes I am lucky to have the morning with DS but there's a trade off.

The person who said this has full time childcare from her in laws and parents, she has 2 holidays abroad every year, lovely house, 2 new cars, designers clothes etc. that's why you work and that's fair enough we all make out choices.

I don't shout after her "well I don't have free childcare and I sacrifice a lot of material things so I can stay at home" because its my choice.

I often wonder how its acceptable for her to say it but not me Confused

JenaiMorris · 05/03/2013 13:21

I doubt she was being snide or resentful, it's just smalltalk. If anything it's an attempt at solidarity -

I'm quite sure someone at some point said something to me like "I'm going to go and mop my floor ." and I knew they were overplaying their workaday misery as I did when I said "gotta run, late for work "

People are far too quick to find offence, really they are.

scottishmummy · 05/03/2013 19:35

I'd say you're over thinking the lucky you,it's a standard social phrase

JenaiMorris · 05/03/2013 20:11

Yy.

LauraPashley · 05/03/2013 20:31

WOHM here, I am massively jealous of SAHMs! I have no issue with saying it, I would say it was my life's ambition at the moment! No interest in working, cry on my way to work most mornings at leaving my kids behind. Hate every moment I am away from them.

I find this quote from above ridiculous:
I'm just putting forward the idea that it's actually ok to be defined as a mother.
I am.
It's the single most important achievement in my life, and I've had some high moments in my career. I'm not being smug or mummy martyr. Just saying its ok to be totally fulfilled and defined by motherhood

Do you mean you are only allowed to feel that way if you stay at home with them? That's quite a dig.

janey68 · 05/03/2013 20:37

I think that's precisely what that poster meant- because a minority (and I stress it is a minority) of people who do seem to believe that if you work, you cant totally adore parenthood as well. It's such a narrow view. I couldn't love my children any more than I do. If I stopped working I wouldn't suddenly love them more!

LauraPashley · 05/03/2013 22:22

Yeah sadly I think that is what she meant too Sad

weewifey40 · 06/03/2013 19:28

Laura, I made that statement.
If you were offended by it, that's your misinterpretation of my words.
I didn't mean any offence at all. I was reacting to the many comments suggesting or implying that a woman should not be defined by being a mother, and simply saying that it is actually ok to be defined by it. Why the hell not?

weewifey40 · 06/03/2013 19:32

and I was saying how I feel.
Just as many wohm's like to continually tell us how they feel and how they couldn't be defined by motherdom, that housewifery is boring drudgery with no economic productivity etc..repeat to fade etc.. surely you understand that if its ok for a wohm to express why she couldn't be a sahm and what fulfills her, it's ok for a sahm to do the same???

weewifey40 · 06/03/2013 19:36

but thanks for telling me what I actually meant.

LauraPashley · 06/03/2013 21:40

Touchy!

Can you see how it would potentially offend a whole load of WOHMs though? I agree with what you said and feel the same way, but I also have to work! Working doesn't cancel out my opportunity to be fulfilled by motherhood! Working pays the bills, doesn't do anything for my heart and soul!