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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think some people resent me being a sahm?

211 replies

PurpleMacaroon · 02/03/2013 21:25

I was recently working part time but the company went into liquidation and sadly I was made redundant - and have been a sahm since October. We can still pay the bills and have some left over to do what we want with and thankfully I had managed to save too whilst I was working. We were surprised that this has worked well for us and we're planning on having another baby soon so I won't be going back to work any time soon.

I gave my friends a lift home last night (it was literally a 2 minute drive) so I said in a jokey way - "you both owe me petrol money" and they laughed and one said back - "don't you mean we owe your husband petrol money?"

I was invited by a friend to go on a weekend trip to Berlin (I went, cheap flight, standard hotel - nothing extravagant.) Didn't even bother to mention it until my friend asked me to go out for lunch on Saturday and I said I couldn't and she asked why. When I told her, she said "how the hell can you afford that when you're unemployed?? Oh is your husband paying then?"

It just hurts because I never judge or openly comment on them for their life decisions.

OP posts:
janey68 · 03/03/2013 14:59

So, interesting that when when one of them laughed and said 'don't you mean we owe your husband petrol money!' you didn't take it as an obvious joke, ie- they were responding in exactly the same vein as you....

HairyHandedTrucker · 03/03/2013 15:04

I really did think that it was a joke back

Original poster
PurpleMacaroon · 03/03/2013 15:04

Because that's taking it to a personal level.

OP posts:
janey68 · 03/03/2013 15:07

Honestly, if I were in that situation I would think it was a quip back. You joked about asking for petrol money after a 2 minute trip, they laughed and joked that should they pay your husband. I would personally NOT be reading into that that my friends wanted to give their jobs up! You seem to be massively over thinking it. And as I said earlier, redundancy is not a pleasant situation for anyone. If they feel anything it would probably be sympathetic to that

Original poster
PurpleMacaroon · 03/03/2013 15:14

I mentioned 2 separate occasions which included the same people.

I also never said they wanted my life or wanted to give up their jobs. Just perhaps they resent my situation - that I am lucky that I can decide whether I want to work or stay at home.

Unfortunately some people don't actually have a choice.

OP posts:
janey68 · 03/03/2013 15:19

I still think you're over thinking it... No doubt they are happy with their choices too.
If you are finding yourself uncomfortable with certain friends though, then maybe time to find some new ones... I have to say in RL I don't come across all these situations where a minor joke results in questioning whether some one is envious of you ...

Original poster
PurpleMacaroon · 03/03/2013 15:22

Well done - that is the reason for posting on aibu. To see whether you are being unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
HiggsBoson · 03/03/2013 15:36

I stay at home with DC during the day and then go out to work evenings and weekends because we couldn't get by on DP's salary alone and I need to pay 50% of everything.

It's really harsh and I'd say your friends are probably jealous, because, being totally honest I do really envy the SAHMs I know. To be able to wake in the morning and not worry about bringing in a wage and to be looked after financially must be lovely :)

janey68 · 03/03/2013 15:44

Ok then- YANBU to want to find new friends if their quips are offending you (though personally I think you're being a tad over sensitive- I mean, you joked first about petrol money)

However YABU to think that their quip means they are envious of you.

DrCoconut · 03/03/2013 18:42

"because, being totally honest I do really envy the SAHMs I know. To be able to wake in the morning and not worry about bringing in a wage and to be looked after financially must be lovely" This really. I would love to be able to take some time off work and know we could still pay the mortgage and bills and feed everyone. Sad I don't feel a need to be unpleasant about it but that wish is there, I'm really tired juggling everything at the moment and need a break.

LineRunner · 03/03/2013 18:48

Actually, I want to take some time off work, but I don't want to be a SAHM either.

mylittlepuds · 03/03/2013 20:03

Being a SAHM around my neck of the woods is seen as a bit posh.

SPBInDisguise · 03/03/2013 20:12

Really? I don't get that. And I don't understand the "not having to worry about bringing in a wage" thing either. I suppose my pov is that adults work. Sahm to me is what you actively choose to be - its not the norm (if you see what I mean) and it's certainly not a status thing (either way). Wonder if it's a regional thing.

SPBInDisguise · 03/03/2013 20:14

Though I think my in laws are a bit put out that I work with children. I wonder if that's why. My own parents would expect me to work, they'd have been supportive if I'd decided not to, but it would have beena surprise. I work for the same reasons as Dh does.

mylittlepuds · 03/03/2013 20:15

Might be regional? I suppose it means your husband's wage is generous enough to mean you don't need to work? Having a year off on mat leave is also seen as well to do here though.

JenaiMorris · 03/03/2013 20:27

Unless you bought a house before about 1995 or have a partner on a massive salary, both partners have to work round here.

Permanentlyexhausted · 03/03/2013 22:14

Oh good grief! Talk about making a mountain out of a molehill.

The OP made a 'jokey' comment about asking her friends to pay for petrol. The friend then made what was probably meant to be a jokey comment back. OP decides it must be a criticism of her current situation.

If you can't take it, don't give it out!

SpecialAgentKat · 03/03/2013 23:27

Okay now I do think this is just another way to start a SAHM vs WOHM debate. Well done.

I'm a SAHM through surprise circumstance as I posted up thread, it's not my personal vocation like some posters here. I will return to my career when I can.

I'll never understand why anyone cares what other people do for a living. Whether that means their job is at home or there job is out of the home. Confused I'm double ConfusedConfused as to why so many people (not necessarily this thread) are convinced the other is envious or bitter. Some people probably are, but most people are most likely happy and content with their choices, or accept their circumstances with grace.

mylittlepuds · 04/03/2013 07:23

Agree with Special. I might give other people's circumstances a fleeting thought but that's all. Much more concerned about my choices.

janey68 · 04/03/2013 07:28

Absolutely; I doubt most people who are content with their life would analyse throwaway comments and read all sorts of things into them. I also agree that this is probably yet another way of dragging up the WOHM SAHM thing by the back door.

nooka · 04/03/2013 08:07

I've never understood why people come to the conclusion that people who comment on other people's lifestyles must be jealous. Personally I try not to go around making digs at other people, but when I have it wasn't because I had some huge desire to be like them in some way. I've had a few (not many) catty comments made to me by SAHP and have never for a moment thought that maybe they wanted to work full time like me. The only reason I might have played that particular piece of mental gymnastics would be if I was convinced that my choice was the best choice for everyone, which it quite clearly is not.

Personally I would be very surprised if a friend of mine who had recently been made redundant was taking a bit of a holiday (and making nothing of it) as I'd see that as something you do when you have lots of spare money floating about. I don't think it's especially surprising to think that perhaps it was a gift from a working dh (although I'd still be a bit surprised).

wordfactory · 04/03/2013 08:39

I do think the retort that people must be jealous is the preserve of the unimaginative or the deluded.

Like the parents who tell their fat child that she is being teased because the other children are jealous.

abbyfromoz · 04/03/2013 14:55

You're comparing a fat child to a sahm? I actually think some people may be jealous especially if they feel they work out of necessity not choice.

Just as some sahm are envious of people who get to resume their careers.... Not saying one is better than the other and but some people feel jibbed especially hen they are struggling with the circumstances they find themselves in...just look at some of the posts on here regarding cost of childcare and people's different circumstances...loads of people feel they don't have the right work/life balance. the grass always seems greener yadda yadda...

wordfactory · 04/03/2013 16:18

No I'm not comparing a SAHM to a fat child.

Pagwatch · 04/03/2013 16:50

In certain lights I look quite like a fat child.