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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think some people resent me being a sahm?

211 replies

PurpleMacaroon · 02/03/2013 21:25

I was recently working part time but the company went into liquidation and sadly I was made redundant - and have been a sahm since October. We can still pay the bills and have some left over to do what we want with and thankfully I had managed to save too whilst I was working. We were surprised that this has worked well for us and we're planning on having another baby soon so I won't be going back to work any time soon.

I gave my friends a lift home last night (it was literally a 2 minute drive) so I said in a jokey way - "you both owe me petrol money" and they laughed and one said back - "don't you mean we owe your husband petrol money?"

I was invited by a friend to go on a weekend trip to Berlin (I went, cheap flight, standard hotel - nothing extravagant.) Didn't even bother to mention it until my friend asked me to go out for lunch on Saturday and I said I couldn't and she asked why. When I told her, she said "how the hell can you afford that when you're unemployed?? Oh is your husband paying then?"

It just hurts because I never judge or openly comment on them for their life decisions.

OP posts:
LineRunner · 02/03/2013 21:56

I do think SAHMs lose the argument the minute they suggest they made a superior choice.

I just think it's about time we all accepted that SAHMs work. They do actual work.

I do a double shift as a lone parent who works out of the home, with an ExH who does nothing for his DC's home or upbringing, but that shouldn't mean that SAHMs energy exependiture is somehow negated. And it shouldn't mean my life is rubbished either.

scottishmummy · 02/03/2013 22:00

friendships change,if the bad times outnumber the good it indicates drifting apart

WifeofPie · 02/03/2013 22:01

How odd...and catty. Their comments don't even make sense...they're Envy idiots and YABU to put up with that sort of nonsense (I mean that in a nice way). Don't think any more of it and enjoy the time with your lovely family.

Original poster
PurpleMacaroon · 02/03/2013 22:01

I do think SAHMs lose the argument the minute they suggest they made a superior choice

Yes I do agree there.

Or suggest something like - why did you even have children if you are going to work?

People do what they have to do and what works for them and I don't comment on anyones situation or think of them as a better or worse parents for working or staying at home.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 02/03/2013 22:05

Btw,contrary to mn popular myth most working mums arent jealous of housewife's
Do your thing,don't look for or expect approbation about your choices
If the friendship feels strained I'd say it's indicative of incomparability

SuedeEffectPochette · 02/03/2013 22:14

Before I had children, when someone from work left to have a baby and intended not to come back, I would think that they were lucky to afford it and a bit lazy, as they wouldn't really be doing anything. Now that I have children, I realise that going to work is the easy option!

scottishmummy · 02/03/2013 22:18

Another nonsensical myth,that being mutha is ardest job in world.no it isn't

LineRunner · 02/03/2013 22:18

Exactly. Being an at home parent is bloody hard work.

LineRunner · 02/03/2013 22:20

Maybe not the 'hardest job in the world', sm, but it is (hard) work!

scottishmummy · 02/03/2013 22:22

Yes,it's hard going being home with preschoolers

nailak · 02/03/2013 22:36

it is hard for some, personally i find it harder then going to work, but that is an individual thing.

I also dont find it hard to get intellectual stimulation, do satisfying things etc while being at home, which dont revolve around my kids, there is plenty of stuff to do and get involved in that arent paid employment.

WafflyVersatile · 02/03/2013 22:43

Maybe they thought you were having a sly dig that they should pay petrol money now you're not earning? It's amazing how misconstrued things can be.

Maybe there is a thread on the internet somewhere....

weewifey40 · 02/03/2013 22:48

humans are complicated
Normally, when someone questions what you do in a dismissive tone, it says more about them than you.
ie. the sahm who says 'I don't want to farm out my kids' is justifying her decision to be at home with the dc's, whilst the wohm who says 'I'd love to have a rich husband and faff about all day' isn't being horrible. They're telling you that they want your life, but have no option cos husband doesn't earn enough.
They're jealous.
Take pity.

ImagineJL · 02/03/2013 22:49

OP I think you're probably right that your friends may resent you.

I would never say anything like that to my SAHM friends but I confess I do sometimes think it. I know it's unreasonable, and it's my problem not theirs, hence why I would never articulate it.

But the bottom line is that I would LOVE to be a SAHM, I really would. But I'm a single parent with no support at all from anywhere else, so I have to work. But when I am reminded of the lives of SAHMs I feel envious, bitter, and also guilty because they are parenting in a way that I would like to.

I think many WOHMs feel guilty that they aren't at home more, whether they enjoy their jobs or not.

weewifey40 · 02/03/2013 22:51

Worra, how long have you been a sahm?
I know some lovely, kind, wonderful people. I have very supportive friends. I've been a sahm for a short period after working and in that time have already had a couple of passive aggressive snipes. I had a couple of snipes when I was working too, (don't you worry leaving them in that nursery? Erm, no.)

HairyHandedTrucker · 02/03/2013 22:53

I can imagine the comment made after the petrol joke was just a jokey piss take because of what you said. second comment however unless made inside jokey way would be very rude

impty · 02/03/2013 22:54

Ignore! as a Sahm for 13 years never come across this in real life.

I have my own money. I have joint money. mmm whatever!Grin my working friends are fine with my choices as are my sahm's!

perhaps new friends are in order?

TheSkiingGardener · 02/03/2013 22:54

I have had lots of comments like this over the years as I worked part time before we had kids. The only people who made those comments though we're jealous. Those that weren't jealous didn't feel the need to make sarcastic comments or little digs. So I've always gone with the "their jealousy, their problem" attitude.

SPBInDisguise · 02/03/2013 22:55

You obviously have th ort of friendship where you tease each other, are they struggling to relate to you in your new role? To know what to say, where to draw the line?

scottishmummy · 02/03/2013 22:56

See all housewife's off on a flyer,that working mums are jealous of housewife not working
Really?is that best you can come up with...that working Mum secretly jealous
Let's be clear I don't presume housewife want my ft job and I don't want be housewife

weewifey40 · 02/03/2013 22:59

scottishmummy, I read your post in an angry voice, like you were shouting a little at the screen. I'm glad you're happy and don't want to be a housewife!

scottishmummy · 02/03/2013 23:02

It's not an angry post but hey ho artistic licence read it any ole voice you want

impty · 02/03/2013 23:03

oh SM you did well with you're previous post....now you're getting hostile Smile

live and let live...Grin

impty · 02/03/2013 23:04

cross post ...SM you're first post wasn't hostile.

jellybeans · 02/03/2013 23:09

I am a SAHM of over 13 years. Was WOHM until DC2. I have had several comments over the years but I just ignore. They are always from WM friends or relatives. I think some are jealous and some genuinely are ignorant of the role or would not want it for themselves so assume no one would enjoy it. Just ignore and forget any comments. As long as you are happy that's all that counts in the end.