to think some people resent me being a sahm?

[PurpleMacaroon]

I was recently working part time but the company went into liquidation and sadly I was made redundant - and have been a sahm since October. We can still pay the bills and have some left over to do what we want with and thankfully I had managed to save too whilst I was working. We were surprised that this has worked well for us and we're planning on having another baby soon so I won't be going back to work any time soon.

I gave my friends a lift home last night (it was literally a 2 minute drive) so I said in a jokey way - "you both owe me petrol money" and they laughed and one said back - "don't you mean we owe your husband petrol money?"

I was invited by a friend to go on a weekend trip to Berlin (I went, cheap flight, standard hotel - nothing extravagant.) Didn't even bother to mention it until my friend asked me to go out for lunch on Saturday and I said I couldn't and she asked why. When I told her, she said "how the hell can you afford that when you're unemployed?? Oh is your husband paying then?"

It just hurts because I never judge or openly comment on them for their life decisions.

I've gone back to work now that ddtwins are big girls who get six hours free childcare for 190 days a year are at school. One thing I did do with my five years out of the employment mullarkey was re-evaluate what I wanted, and as a result I've gone back not into my old industry but self-employed into something a lot more interesting and child-friendly.

Having said, I don't remember ever getting any comments, positive or negative, about my choices. Maybe I've just got remarkably un-judgey friends though!

And this is clichétactic,them well jel.and if anyone say otherwise they're hostile?
If you're attitudinally at odds with pals due to change circumstance maybe you'll drift
Do your thing,don't expect approbation,and that's how it goes

I just wonder what the government actually want from mothers really, would it benefit them more to have mums at home or working and paying someone else to care for children. I would suggest the latter, but I dont know.

Being able to say you stay at home or work shouldnt be such a touchy issue but it is.

They're probably just having a bit of 'banter', I have a terrible habit of crossing the line with people I'm very close to, and they I. We know each others insecurities and wind each other up about it. However if you feel bad about the things they are saying, then it's not ok and you need to nip it in the bud.

I'm on ML and have already been the subject of not so PA comments like "well I couldn't just sit at home living off my DP, I'd go mad".( Not from people I'd consider my friends however!) and an eye rolling when I explain that it's MATERNITY PAY and I worked my ass off for years to get a decent amount. Some people are just permanently in a negative frame of mind.

And if they were jealous? You sound quite happy - why wouldn't someone be jealous that you at least appear to be having it all?

Scottish, you are equally quick to draw upon hackneyed stereotypical language to sneer at women that are SAHP. Your insistence on using the word, 'Housewife' for a start. This is not a role I recognise at all. I am hardly ever in the house and housework takes up about 20% of my day. Neither am I eagerly awaiting the arrival home of my DP for some 'adult company' and intellectual stimulation. Being a grown woman I am quite capable (shock horror - the little wifey is not dependent and needy) of seeking out adult company if necessary. I have a subscription to 'The Economist', I listen to Radio 4, I read the broadsheets and as a result I do not make ignorant assumptions about other peoples' lifestyle choices!

don't even bother trying goldenbear

That's horrid. I'm a SAHM and have been now for about 3 years. I worked, I had a great career, but gave it all up because we wanted a parent at home. That's just what we wanted. We dropped our living standards and I learnt to cook meals out of fresh air. :)

I think a lot of the time it's jealousy. I get sick and tired of being asked "what do you want to do when the children are all in full-time school?" I will clean the house and drink a hot coffee! It's very hard to explain the these types of people why you might be happy to be a SAHM in these modern times. I believe many women feel pressured to do it all. I will work again one day, but not right now. We are not very well off, but dh's salary covers everything... just... and it's what we want to do as a couple for our children.

Ooh - that was a bit long. Tell them to sod off, they're being cheeky gits. It's nobody's business but your's and your partner's. So there.

Kytti, I admit to being guilty of asking that question and I am certainly not jealous. However I do admit to not getting that some women wouldactively choose to be a SAHM when all their children are at school. That said, they do, so I'm wrong.

Oh and *Scottish" I'm a proud HOUSEWIFE. So there. (And the plural of such is 'housewives.' Sorry, I just had to correct, it was making me itch.)

spb I'm sure one day I'll go mad. lol I do have a plan, I will work again, but for now, I can't keep up with the washing! And I'm happy, so all good.

fair enough :)

Op do they have children?

Agree with HHT.

I strongly agree with this post OP: PurpleMacaroon Sat 02-Mar-13 22:01:56
I do think SAHMs lose the argument the minute they suggest they made a superior choice

Yes I do agree there.

Or suggest something like - why did you even have children if you are going to work?

People do what they have to do and what works for them and I don't comment on anyone's situation or think of them as a better or worse parents for working or staying at home.

IMO that sums up this every bloody week tiresome argument. My thought was maybe did your friend snap at your jokey petrol money comment as you went on to say no one ever says/asks for petrol money? If so, why did you ask? I am genuinely not hostileif that is how it is coming across, I just found that confusing.

My point being maybe (on the petrol thing) that even if you were being jokey, said friend thought you were being unreasonable if it isn't what you usually do, so made a bitchy remark?

Please let me know if I'm way off the mark here. :)

I always read SMs posts in the manner of a Haiku. You can inflict a tone on anything.

I don't think Sm is being unpleasant, I think she's nicely telling the op her friends might be wieners.

The op is happy and confident in her choices. That's all the matters. People can't force you to validate your choices, that is information you choose to volunteer.

I didn't feel bad replying "Wonderful isn't it, I get to stay home and bring my own children up instead of farming them out to nursery."

Way to take the high road. Bitchy comments like this only confirm beliefs about us SAHMs.

I was raised by a single mum who 'farmed me out.' So thanks for insulting my mother's parenting skills by comparing myself and other nursery children to livestock...

I had a friend who made regular reference to my baby holiday despite being asked to stop. I too was made redundant (at seven months pregnant) and after some discussion we decided we could comfortably live on DH's salary and I'll go back to work once the DC are in school.

She also tells anyone who'll listen how selfish a friend of hers is for hiring a full time nanny to go back to her career as a barrister when her ML is over.

I don't see her anymore.

Good on you Calpo! Men judge us enough, I'm sick of my fellow gender judging my choices (especially when you don't know someone's circumstance.) For example having twins threw a huge spanner in the works since my DSS who lives with us is SN and we're trying to integrate him back into his real mother's life as she's clean now, and try for eventual 50/50 contact. Then I have to deal with the emotion of "my" little boy being gone 50% of the time. I'm in therapy for that as I raised him almost since birth. (Long, personal story that will out me.)

When I know all three are at school, comfortable, as normal as life ever is, I will return to the job I intended to when my 'one baby' was six months old. Six months turned into six years, possibly seven depending on DSS (Very close to his birth mother, helping her etc.) Being a SAHM isn't the life I envisioned but it's the one I have. I'm happy. I missed my job so I started a small Etsy business DH helps with merely because I'm just not SAHM material, but we needed his salary... So here I am.

I'm no better because I'm home with them any more than my BFF No I'm NOT too old to have a BFF who has a ridiculously high paying job and innocently embarrasses me on shopping trips. Incidentally, with all her coporate power, she's the first to offer to babysit or help out when I'm unwell/need a break and DH can't be here.

Life is about balance. We all need a vocation we love. Being a SAHM is a vocation. Not mine but how anyone could sneer honestly surprises me.

HotPink, SM's comments are ignorant not unpleasant. She is drawing on lazy stereotypes to denegrate women that don't do it like her and there are enough men out there doing that anyway. Such views IME reinforce the idea that bringing up children is a trivial affair, unimportant business. The 'real' work, that which will benefit society and the economy is to be done in the workplace.

Bahahaha! Your friends make me laugh! What planet are they living on? Sorry but i openly applaud anyone who can manage to run a household and a job! Being a sahm is a job and in my opinion anything your husband earns is only possible because you are taking care of the stuff behind the scenes- so his money IS your money (and also none of their bloody business). Don't ever feel bad about it. I have friends... Well let's call them 'friends' for conversation sake- he makes her work doing cleaning jobs, babysitting, also one day for my husband in commercial property AS WELL as trying to run her own cake business AND taking care of their 3 dc's with one on the way!!! They think my DH treats me like a princess... Maybe so but he treats her like a slave. I know which i would prefer. The day a man can carry a baby in his 'womb' for 40+ weeks, push it out his penis and then nurture and care for it (to the same standard we do) will be the day you should feel bad about not having a job outside the home- so tell your jealous friends to shut their traps!!!

Oh forgot to mention he also makes her teach swimming for the school he works at and does nothing (i mean NOTHING) around the home- just complains of being tired all the time and drinks and gambles away any money they have... So you can understand why i don't take his opinion of our status to heart!

SpecialAgentKat - take offence if you wish and run with it but if you read my post properly you will note that I said that I made the said comment in a hissy fit because I myself was offended & that it wasn't actually how I saw things AT ALL. My Mother too went out to work & so will I return eventually so no I was not insulting your Mother, mine or the entire race of SAHM.

I have been a sahm for nearly 10 years. I have had the odd cheeky comment, particularly at the school gates such as "its alright for some, some of us have to rush off to work". It does annoy me a bit because this particular woman is always boasting about what she has bought, new kitchens, clothes etc and her 70 year old mum collects her children from school each day, feeds them, drops them at clubs and she does this for free (I know this because she has told me).

Now, if I reversed the comments and said "its ok for you, getting your 70 year old mum to provide free childcare whilst you go out to work, not to put food on the table but to treat yourself to new 4x4's and top of the range kitchens" well it just wouldnt be acceptable would it.

But it does seem quite acceptable for people to make the odd jibe about sahm's and its supposed to be taken on the chin because its just banter.

Everyone should be happy with their own choices for their family. IMO anyone who makes comments, digs, jibes about other peoples choices are trying to justify their own choices and if you are totally happy with your choices then why would you feel the need to justify them to other people.

Ignore the comments and get new friends.