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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think some people resent me being a sahm?

211 replies

PurpleMacaroon · 02/03/2013 21:25

I was recently working part time but the company went into liquidation and sadly I was made redundant - and have been a sahm since October. We can still pay the bills and have some left over to do what we want with and thankfully I had managed to save too whilst I was working. We were surprised that this has worked well for us and we're planning on having another baby soon so I won't be going back to work any time soon.

I gave my friends a lift home last night (it was literally a 2 minute drive) so I said in a jokey way - "you both owe me petrol money" and they laughed and one said back - "don't you mean we owe your husband petrol money?"

I was invited by a friend to go on a weekend trip to Berlin (I went, cheap flight, standard hotel - nothing extravagant.) Didn't even bother to mention it until my friend asked me to go out for lunch on Saturday and I said I couldn't and she asked why. When I told her, she said "how the hell can you afford that when you're unemployed?? Oh is your husband paying then?"

It just hurts because I never judge or openly comment on them for their life decisions.

OP posts:
jojane · 03/03/2013 10:51

If they don't have children they probably still keep thie money seperate from their husbands, contributing equally to bills etc, they probably don't realise when you have kids finances get blurry and more combined

jellybeans · 03/03/2013 12:40

'I have been a sahm for nearly 10 years. I have had the odd cheeky comment, particularly at the school gates such as "its alright for some, some of us have to rush off to work". It does annoy me a bit because this particular woman is always boasting about what she has bought, new kitchens, clothes etc and her 70 year old mum collects her children from school each day, feeds them, drops them at clubs and she does this for free (I know this because she has told me).

Now, if I reversed the comments and said "its ok for you, getting your 70 year old mum to provide free childcare whilst you go out to work, not to put food on the table but to treat yourself to new 4x4's and top of the range kitchens" well it just wouldnt be acceptable would it. '

Here here pinkandred I too know women like that. One (f/t WOHM) said to me 'I do it all on my own, made my way to the top of a team on my own back'. I smiled but deep down thought,' well you did have your mother looking after your DC from 6am-7pm 5 days a week and every saturday so not quite doing it on your own.' The same women slates SAHP..

jellybeans · 03/03/2013 12:46

SM Happy WOHM wouldn't slate SAHP though would they? You also never answer whether SAHD are acceptable more than SAHM. Well know poster on these threads used to state that SAHD was good but SAHM was not, but was akin to prostitution. Are househusbands living a life of drudgery too?

Additionally you keep saying 'precious moments' but when you have been to hell and back to have a child, stillbirths etc then maybe every moment is precious and that is OK? I would say my time with my kids is precious and the most important thing in life. It would be whether i worked or not. Other people may find their careers equally important.

scottishmummy · 03/03/2013 13:02

Good grief woman,for someone allegedly happy with your lot that's irascible post

janey68 · 03/03/2013 13:05

I must say ive never met anyone who feels their career is equally important to their children. I think career is an important aspect of many peoples lives, and certainly not something they give up, but children always come first, certainly among everyone I know, working or not

JenaiMorris · 03/03/2013 13:09

Other people may find their careers equally important. No they don't. Unless they're suffering some kind of personality disorder may be.

One of the reasons many (most?) of us work is to give our children better lives and opportunities than we could have done otherwise.

scottishmummy · 03/03/2013 13:09

For me career is equally important,not less,not more important equally
I spent time,emotional and physical effort training I like work,it's significant to me
I'm not defined by my job,but I'm not defined by being a parent either.

scottishmummy · 03/03/2013 13:10

Psychobabble bingo!personality disorder, oh eyes down might get a house at this rate

JenaiMorris · 03/03/2013 13:20

Your career might be as important as time with your children SM, but surely it's not as important as your children themselves?

I dunno, I got the distinct impression that jellybeans was insinuating that our work meant as much to us as our children do. I think it would be an unusual person for whom this was actually true.

janey68 · 03/03/2013 13:21

Yes I think that personality disorder comment was uncalled for
I suspect SM is in a minority for viewing her career as equally important, BUT there is nothing wrong with being in a minority. And I am sure her children are absolutely fine. I was just making the point that for the majority of people, their children come first whether they have a career or not

Chottie · 03/03/2013 13:21

Very rude and quite uncalled for. Some other MNtters have given you some fab comebacks for future comments.

I'm just wondering is there is a little bit of jealousy too? An envy that you don't have to juggle a job with childcare? That you are there for all the 'firsts' and get time to go places and do fun stuff during the working week?

I've been a SATH and a WP and I never had any comments.

janey68 · 03/03/2013 13:24

Cross posts there jenai! Yes I agree. And if it's true that jellybeans was making that insinuation it would be utterly ridiculous so I hope she wasn't

janey68 · 03/03/2013 13:27

Maybe chottie... But SAHP don't have the monopoly on fun times you know. Some of us WOHP have fun and interesting times in our work life and in our time off too Smile
Is this thread really just a back door attempt to start the old WOHM bashing? If so its rather tired...

weewifey40 · 03/03/2013 13:27

I am defined by being a parent.
And very content to say that.
My three children are the core of my being and will be for the rest of my life. They are more important than anything else in my life and always will be.
That doesn't mean I don't have interests, passions, opinions, desires.
Of course I do!
My children don't belong to me. They belong to themselves. And I'll have a full and busy life when they fly the nest. But they'll always be the centre of my universe and I can't imagine them not being so. Nothing in my life will ever be as enriching as motherhood. That doesn't make me a martyr, all consumed by my kids. Not at all. I know my job is to help them become fully formed adults, happy and independent in the world.
I had a somewhat chaotic childhood with a frequently absent (through no fault of her own) Mother and that's why I'm choosing to do things differently.

scottishmummy · 03/03/2013 13:29

Is it really so incomprehensible,that not all working mums jealous of housewives?
I have never considered that housewife thinks,gosh wish I was ft work and jealous
I'm not crying into my skinny latte about missing any firsts or precious moments

weewifey40 · 03/03/2013 13:33

No, that's fine.
I'm just putting forward the idea that it's actually ok to be defined as a mother.
I am.
It's the single most important achievement in my life, and I've had some high moments in my career. I'm not being smug or mummy martyr. Just saying its ok to be totally fulfilled and defined by motherhood. Just as its fine to be defined by a career. We're all different. Viva that!

janey68 · 03/03/2013 13:34

Wee wifey- very eloquently put, and i think the point is that many working parents would say exactly the same as you, the only difference being that they also work. Their children are at the core of their lives etc.

Now, if anyone wants to come back and argue against that, it really will begin to look as though they are resentful...

JenaiMorris · 03/03/2013 13:34

I used to be quite envious of the parents going off to do yoga (not that I fancy yoga) and have coffee in lovely little cafés after school drop off whilst I seemed to be running around like a blue arsed fly, but that was when I was doing a crap, means to an end job.

janey68 · 03/03/2013 13:39

Now I love yoga, and do it at evening classes... The thought of coffee shops after the school run leaves me cold though. Think the point is: what floats one persons boat doesn't necessarily mean everyone else is seething with envy at them!

scottishmummy · 03/03/2013 13:39

Janey you don't get to impose your subjective rules of interpreting mn posts
You will naturally apply your own subjective pov,but dont pass it off as irrefutable fact
You strongly held opinions are your to hold,but don't globally apply like set rules

scottishmummy · 03/03/2013 13:44

My dc are indeed the best thing,up there with career,achievements,and specific circumstances I've borne
I know what the things that have defined and shaped me are, and it includes being parent
But no I am not wholly,or solely defined by being parent. Events,people priorto being mum are significant too

janey68 · 03/03/2013 13:51

Woah- not passing anything off as fact, other than I personally have never met anyone who states that their career is of equal importance to their children. No doubt there are some out there... But I suspect for most parents, If they were asked which was most important, would reply 'my children'

Anyway, this is all hypothetical since we don't have to 'choose' which is most important. As many have pointed out, that doesn't have anything to do with whether one works or not

SpecialAgentKat · 03/03/2013 14:35

Can't we all just accept to some women, being a SAHM is their career/vocation?

janey68 · 03/03/2013 14:52

Special agent- I don't think the vast majority do have a problem with a mum (or dad) deciding they don't want to work. The only problem is when some people insinuate that because of that, they must somehow feel their children are more important, or prioritised more highly, than children of WOHP.
I couldn't love my children any more than I do, or place them any more at the core of my life than I already do, if I gave up work. I would feel exactly the same about them, and be instilling the same values etc.

Why can't people just accept that how much you love, care, guide and support your children is an entirely separate issue from whether you work or not?

Original poster
PurpleMacaroon · 03/03/2013 14:53

If you want petrol money for a lift then be a grown up and ask for it, there's nothing worse than people silently seething with resentment but lacking the ability to just ask. However, you add that giving them a lift literally added two minutes or so onto your journey, so I suspect when you mentioned petrol money they thought 'what on earth is she on about?' I would offer petrol money if a friend was taking me somewhere as a specific favour, or if a lift home went more than, say, 5 minutes out of their way, but 2 mins is really nothing, and maybe you came across as a bit resentful yourself?

Please tell me that you're joking? Hmm

No-one (well especially not me) is resentful about petrol money, or giving lifts to friends. We all do it and we always share lifts. We all drive and have our own cars.

It was barely a 2 minute drive, which is on my way home anyway. They would have easily walked it in 5 minutes but it was dark so I said I'll drive you home. It was an extremely obvious joke because it was such a ridiculously short journey and they both laughed.

Petrol money and giving lifts is not the issue here.

Gosh it's ridiculous the twisted stories people come up with even when you blatantly lay out the facts to them.

OP posts:
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