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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get angry if DW leaves her job without real consultation

228 replies

Seekingthezone · 07/01/2013 23:08

Found out the night before it was going to happen anyway that DW had negotiated her exit.

She had moaned for a couple of years about the job and people and I offered support during that time but
when it came to the crunch I was not consulted and left as sole earner whilst we do depend on both incomes to maintain the current lifestyle.

It was presented as a done deal and I was told by her that she did well to get what she got blah blah.

OP posts:
Schooldidi · 07/01/2013 23:12

I would be annoyed if dp did that to me, so no YANBU to be annoyed about it. I would expect proper consultation if it was a voluntary thing.

I would probably then agree to it in our case because we could tighten our belts and manage fine, and he would be happier out of that job. But I would expect to be consulted first.

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas · 07/01/2013 23:13

Think you need to face facts, this relationship has serious deep rooted issues, none of which sound particully healthy

Kayano · 07/01/2013 23:13

I would be foaming

deleted203 · 07/01/2013 23:17

YANBU....is she expecting you now to financially support her, totally without question, and without even having the courtesy to consult you first? I think that's not on. I can understand that she was unhappy in her job, but in a marriage you don't take unilateral decisions that have major impacts on both of you without both agreeing to it first.

Are you asking for advice? Or just agreement that it's ok to be pissed off about it?

Leafmould · 07/01/2013 23:18

From what you say, SIBU.

EllenParsons · 07/01/2013 23:19

Yanbu. Is she intending on looking for another job?!

jellybeans · 07/01/2013 23:20

Have you got small children as does she want to be a SAHM?

LessMissAbs · 07/01/2013 23:21

Unfair of her to leave her job without (a) discussing it with you OP (possibly because she thought you would object?) and (b) not having an alternative, at least part-time, lined up first. Bloody irreponsible too.

Magicmayhem · 07/01/2013 23:26

sounds like she got a good redundancy 'she did well to get what she got' does she think she'll get another job quickly?... but no... either way... you are partners and she should have discussed it with you...

Adversecamber · 07/01/2013 23:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Seekingthezone · 07/01/2013 23:28

Yes it was all very positive this evening about how unspecified jobs have been applied for.

Basically it was the unspoken assumption that I would cover everything until DW finds employment again.

It does get worse unfortunately. She unilaterally decided to invest the pile of cash she had, again without any consultation or recognition of the fact that it could easily take 12 months or more to find a job in the current environment. It is not as though it is just the two of its either. We have DC.

OP posts:
sparklingsky · 07/01/2013 23:34

Totally unreasonable of her - unless she has something in the pipeline to go to? It also occurred to me that she might not be in a great place (you can make v poor decisions if you're v low - not that it excuses anything)...Or did she mistakenly assume that you would agree with her exit plan, as you were aware of how unhappy she was (and would therefore agree with a move of job....?)

Original poster
Seekingthezone · 07/01/2013 23:34

Adversecamber - I had a lot of understanding for the position she was in and discussed the issues lots. Particularly in the early days.Less so later on I have to admit as it began to wear after 18 months+

But that is what makes it even more galling for her to leave with taking to me first when we spent so much joint time on it.

We can survive by cutting back. It no longer feels like a partnership though I have to say.

OP posts:
Jinsei · 07/01/2013 23:35

YANBU, trust and communication are essential in any partnership and it doesn't sound like your relationship has much of either. I'd be livid in your shoes, but I do think you have to ask yourself why she didn't talk to you about it? Did she think you'd try and stop her, and if so, was it the only way that she could see out of a very unhappy situation? Clutching at straws though really - whatever the circumstances, she should have talked to you first if the expectation is that you'll be supporting the family financially in the interim.

Are there other problems in your relationship? Does she have form for stuff like this?

bumperella · 07/01/2013 23:38

I'd be mad as hell in your shoes. assuming her job does bring in a meaningful amount of income (as a family unit) then i don't really get waht she was thinking. Unless she had no choice - negotiate an exit as she's fired/made redundant.

notnagging · 07/01/2013 23:40

Yanbu. My dh quit his job once with little consultation as he thought he was good enough to get another job soon. Unfortunately the market changed & we suffered badly. She should have spent her redundancy on at least cutting down your monthly bills. Many household monthlies can be paid in advance just to ease abut if the worry. As others have said if you had a good relationship she would not have done this.

StuntGirl · 07/01/2013 23:41

I'd be fuming, YANBU.

What were her reasons for not discussing such an important family matter?

sparklingsky · 07/01/2013 23:43

X post OP.

Either she has a good chance of an alternative job or not. Don't let your (v reasonable) anger cloud the possibility that she 1) may have employment prospects and 2) have made a decent investment. I'd accept these possibilities, but keep to the main concern that she should consult with her partner about decisions that affect the family. That I'd flipping unreasonable!

Original poster
Seekingthezone · 07/01/2013 23:43

Soarklingsky - she probably was at a low point to be fair but it is still a big step to take IMO especially when you are married and have DC

We discussed the departure months after the event and she still fights about it and tells me what a good job she did and how I should be pleased.

There does not appear to be any recognition of wrong doing or poor judgement which is quite worrying.If there had been an oops got that one wrong sorry then I could differently about it but no, she will still fight it out and defend her actions.

OP posts:
Adversecamber · 07/01/2013 23:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jinsei · 07/01/2013 23:47

So when did this actually happen, OP? Sounds like quite a while ago? Confused Has anything happened now to make you want to post about it?

Cabrinha · 07/01/2013 23:48

Are you sure she quit? I know this is extreme and I don't want to stir - but is it possible she f*ked up and was sacked and is too ashamed to tell you? The redundancy money being invested... That was quick... Does it really exist?
It seems so odd...
It makes me wonder if she's having mental health issues and has made a rash decision uncharacteristically, or if she's been sacked.

You two do need to talk... Now don't get me wrong, I think she should have spoken to you before doing it - but you say you'd stopped talking about work issues, cos it was wearing after 18 months? That is also not a partnership.

Talk to her... But tread carefully, because I think there's more to this. Hope you work it out - good luck.

Original poster
Seekingthezone · 07/01/2013 23:50

Stuntgirl - she told me she had next to no time to make the decision in. Although when I drilled deeper she admitted the discussions to leave had been going on longer than the one day she initially presented it to me as. They been going on more than a week or two it transpires.

OP posts:
notnagging · 07/01/2013 23:51

I think you're right cab

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 07/01/2013 23:51

Are you sure she didn't tell you she was going to quit, but you weren't listening? You sound like you have a fairly low opinion of her and little interest in her feelings.