To get angry if DW leaves her job without real consultation

[Seekingthezone]

Found out the night before it was going to happen anyway that DW had negotiated her exit.

She had moaned for a couple of years about the job and people and I offered support during that time but
when it came to the crunch I was not consulted and left as sole earner whilst we do depend on both incomes to maintain the current lifestyle.

It was presented as a done deal and I was told by her that she did well to get what she got blah blah.

Yeah I've seen that one.

Wow, well that's good then. I still maintain though that whilst it's fine to quit your job if it's making you miserable or affecting your mental health, knowing about the problem for 18 months, and not finding another job in that time, especially give the current job climate, is shortsighted and irresponsible to say the least!

I sympathise with anyone worrying about money. I'm on short-term p/t contracts (lone parent) and bricking it a bit at the moment. If I'm honest I know that I wouldn't want to 'carry' a non-working partner as well.

But that wouldn't give me the right to spy and control and act like a bit of a knob. I'd rather hope I would do the talking and supportive thing, if I loved them.

When my DH was made redundant, his job seeking attempts were very visible and very obvious. If they had not been then I would have felt very nervous (especially 18 months down the line) and would have needed reassurance/evidence too.

Just thought I would make that particular point although there is indeed more to this story it appears

He isn't worrying about money.

The other thread makes it perfectly clear that there are no money issues. The children are still happily attending fee paying schools on his sole income, with no pending doom, presumably unless you count cancelling the third annual holiday (the holiday bit is mere presumption on my part after his lifestyle comments. These aren't folks who actually need two incomes to pay the monthly bills - including the school fees. We're talking a decrease in disposable income - an entirely different kettle of fish when the topic is 18 months of mental health issues. You aren't really saying that the extra disposable income for holidays and luxuries is more important than the partner's mh? Especially when her intention is to seek further employment?)

The fact that she invested the cash just backs it up - she knew full well they didn't need it.

His issue seems to be that splitting up would be a bit messy, rather than they can't afford to actually live. Well, that and the fact he's just attempting to garner support for his cause against a wife he detests but is useful for the occasional bang, and used to be useful for the wage she brought in.

Puppet on a string, dancing to his tune, some of you.

Lots of suoersition there based on limited facts. How do know my circumstances, including disposable income. Fact is you don't. Yet you have seen fit to attack for your own ends and have insulted those who have been good enough to help.

From the outside mumsnet had seemed a good place to come and discuss some very personal issues in a reasonably open way outside the environment in which the problems are happening but I am rapidly learning that is not the case.

There are a good number of people willing to discuss in a spirit of cooperation but there are also a number of others out to attack people for any number of reasons where attitudes or values differ.

You have seen fit to make gross assumptions that are wholly inaccurate in several areas and attacked on the back of them.

Shame on you.

Just wanted to say that you are not at all unreasonable.
You should have been consulted.
DH and I had many a discussion when I was having a very difficult time at work.
We came to an agreement one evening that I would carry on as far as was possible but at any time I could simpy resign if all the hassle got too much .
I didn't have to call home or anything, I had his support to walk when I thought I had to.
I would never have simply left without us having talked through all the consequences together and having formulated a bit of a plan.

As it turned out things got better and I am still there, but importantly these descisions were made together.

I can see why you are not happy.

I haven't seen your other thread, OP. What does that say?

OP - do you think that your wife could be having an affair?

From your other threads it seems as if she has witheld intimacy for a long time now and now this very secretive behaviour involving her job and payout.

It doesn't look encouraging

madwomanintheattic

where does it say that his wife has been mentally unwell as a result of being unhappy at work?

and where does it say the the OP detests his wife?

I may have genuinally missed this?

Or is this just your own summation?

Your wife was obviously very unhappy in her job. Maybe she felt that if she discussed leaving with you, you wouldn't let her make the move and she would have no choice but to stay?

OP: Am I being U?

MN: Maybe, some think yes, some think no, some think you are U, some think your DW is.

OP: Shame on you all. You are wholly inaccurate and attacking me.

Am I the only one wondering if this is how conversations go with the DW? OP, genuinely, I don't know if you are U or not because I don't know what the 18 months of telling you were like. I don't know if you are dropping one holiday or eating bread and beans for dinner every night as a result of her decision. However, you do seem to think that if people don't agree with you, they are wrong. Is this how it is with your DW?

You say people are wrong based on false/inaccurate information. Fair enough, it is the internet, people will make assumptions unless you tell them. So, do you have enough money on your wage to comfortably support the family? Yes or No?

MrsT where I come from then reasoned and objective discussion is the way forward. Some of the posts have bordered on rants driven by personal prejudices from what I can see - talk of third holidays and conversations along the line of "poor little rich boy has problems, what a shame. Why are you muppets falling for this".

Discussion started in a most civil manner and then just started getting plain nasty IMO. Other posters have commented on the sledging that is taking place so it is not solely my opinion.

What is the pre-occuptation with the money. I did not come here to ask for sympathy about any loss in household income although DW leaving will make things very difficult in the medium/long term. Today there is not a problem with money. Dropping holidays, eating bread are all spurious activities others have thrown in. Like mud it stuck.

My issue around the job was the exit without discussing it jointly so that we could both assess the impact and make adjustments as needed. What happened was that it was presented as a done deal and that is bad when there are joint responsibilities. It was not even I have to get out now do you mind if..

I have had periods where I have been very distressed at work, I talked and moaned to be fair for a time. But then I went to look for other jobs, got interviews, even got an offer, but the deal was not good enough. It would have restuled in a net loss of income. At that point I realised I had to stay where I was and so I quit moaning and got on with it, particularly as there are responsibilities - DW+DC. So I am was not asking for something I have not done myself.

BettySuarez - I think not. I am coming the conclusion she has become/is becoming asexual.

There was a drive to reproduce and now that has been done then it has no place in her life, well maybe a couple of times a year. I on the other hand am defintely not at that point and as they say that is when the problems arrise. If both people are matched - highly driven or no drive then all is fine. With the opposites though it is not good. It is not just us. Recent comments from Dame Helen Mirren sparked a couple of articles on this in the papers that I read with interest. Still knowing it happens to others is only mildly comforting as it is a frustration that one lives with constantly.

Quite right, I never said I detested my wfie. I am severely frustrated on a number of fronts but do not detest at all.

I would hope that you in fact love your wife.

What is the pre-occupation with the money? Partly nosiness and partly because most of the support you might get will be from people who would shit themselves losing one of two incomes. This would be because they would have to cut food bills, transport, housing. It would make their lives very bad indeed. They might even worry about losing their housing. That looks very different to someone choosing not to work because they have hated it for 18 months and it will not have a drastic effect on finances.

Sorry, also, What is the pre-occuptation with the money. people work for two main reasons, the love of it and money. Your DW hates her job. Apart from money, what is the reason to do it?

We need that money. We are not broken immediately but she does need to find another job for the money or we will be broken. Just as I have to work for money as well.

Commitments were made jointly and they have to be serviced jointly. That was the deal at the time between us, years ago, and it is still true today. It is not the case that I love to work and have a high enough income to meet our needs but I insist on her going out just to work for the hell of it. So in that setting leaving unilaterally is just not good.

What I said in my PM after your last issue OP.

Stop trying to solve the problems yourself.
Ask for appropriate help.

That article where Helen Mirren made those comments was extremely damaging IMO. It made it sound like it is mostly the woman who goes off sex but in many cases it is the man.

I hate the cries of 'sexism' on here. OP is a man who chose to post on a forum for women. That is a choice. Would I post on Dadsnet for support if DH left work? Hell no! So, why do it? Charitably, because it is a huge forum for parents. Or, because he will get ammo to fight his DW, because he likes to goad women, because he wants to say we are all sexist, because he is good and patronising... I like a lot of the men who post on hear but a lot of them are here talking about parenting, sleep, school, whatever. Coming on to AIBU to talk about your DW? Paint me cynical. And, I think if a man left work after 18 months of sadness, depression would be the first thing mooted.

You are being cynical.

I occasionally post about marital issues because I don't want to bring them up with friends and family, and because this forum seems exactly where to post that sort of problem, between here and Relationships.

There may well be a Dadsnet. I haven't checked it out - I surfed here while looking for something else and stayed because the discussions are interesting. But it is still worth discussing things with women, I think - they might well have some insight into the problem that wouldn't be so obvious to a man.

For example, I posted a thread about being astonished when my wife told me at the station as we were going to work that she had applied for a job abroad. One of the comments was that maybe she was afraid to tell me, so she had chosen a public place. OK, that certainly wasn't the case, but it was something I would never have thought about otherwise.

I certainly wasn't looking for "ammo to fight my DW".

And sheesh at the asexual bollocks, too.

Yu know, it's really hard to get into a man who you've been pouring your heart out to for 18 months, and won't listen (well, he pretends to, but then tells you he doesn't care if you are unhappy, you have to stick it out), it tends to kill your sex drive stone dead, all that not being listened to when you are unhappy, swiftly followed by feeling that actually, he isn't really that onto you at all, he sees it as more of a business transaction, and uses words like 'deal' and 'serviced jointly' when talking about your relationship.

And yet you wanna blame it on her and say she's losing her sex drive? Nah. Between you, you are losing your relationship. Ad you are doing it together. You by not taking her unhappiness seriously enough, and she. Y withdrawing because you are treating her like a business partner who is reneging on a deal.

Recipe for a shit hot bang, that.

and uses words like 'deal'

Must pick up on that.

Do a quick search for "dealbreaker" on here, and see how many results you get.

mm, but the 'deal' in that context is the entire relationship, not a particular aspect of the ice cold contract that the manager thinks has been broken and is reporting to hr as a breach. You'd be hard pushed to search for it in the same post as 'serviced jointly' and come up with many hits in the context of a relationship.

But y'know, it's hard to argue semantics when the op is breathing contempt and itching to apportion blame with every post. And kinda pointless.

If the Dw had shagged her boss and had to leave work, that'd be a deal breaker. The deal he's referring to is the contract they made which drew up who was going to be responsible for the fiscal matters of the company, and which he feels she has broken. I'm entirely happy to use the term dealbreaker in the initial context. Using it in the second suggests that he views the relationship in a fairly cold and business-like manner, with not an ounce of mutual love and respect sullying the neatly typed agreement.

You can disagree, obv. I'm entirely content in my reading though. Agree to differ, etc etc.