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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get angry if DW leaves her job without real consultation

228 replies

Seekingthezone · 07/01/2013 23:08

Found out the night before it was going to happen anyway that DW had negotiated her exit.

She had moaned for a couple of years about the job and people and I offered support during that time but
when it came to the crunch I was not consulted and left as sole earner whilst we do depend on both incomes to maintain the current lifestyle.

It was presented as a done deal and I was told by her that she did well to get what she got blah blah.

OP posts:
SigmundFraude · 10/01/2013 22:30

It's an ad page.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2013 22:31

oops, stuffed it up

SigmundFraude · 10/01/2013 22:31

Try again?

AnyFucker · 10/01/2013 22:32

here

SigmundFraude · 10/01/2013 22:34

Got it. I'll check it out tomorrow when the boys are at school/playgroup. Night x

AnyFucker · 10/01/2013 22:36

Nighty night.

Original poster
Seekingthezone · 10/01/2013 22:42

It is really interesting how one is supposed to have the patience of a Saint and beyond. How long do you each listen to your other halves discuss something again and again and again and again without thinking do something about it or move on. At the begining of course it is deeply moving and sad that your loved one is in distress. But then if nothing changes and the conversation is always the same then what do you do. Oh nothing cos you are all Saints.

BTW This is not the first time there have been issues with the job for DW. There is a history of it over 25 years or more, including a number of jobs before I was ever on the scene. She is always unfortunately the victim as well which is bad.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2013 22:47

How long do you each listen to your other halves discuss something again and again and again and again without thinking do something about it or move on. She did something, she left.

My DH frequently has issues at work. He understands it is a combination of incompetent coworkers and his own lack of empathy/communication. I have been listening to him complain for almost a decade. Different jobs. That's what you do isn't it? He has listened to me complain as well. How was your day, honey? Moan moan moan.

Stop being bloody sarky as well. That's why some posters are assuming you are an arse to your DW. Because your speaking to us like an arse. Oh nothing cos you are all Saints. Sheesh.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2013 22:49

I really am a Saint. No kiddin'

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2013 22:56

That would make you StAnyFucker, which just looks wrong.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2013 23:02

SaintlyFucker looks right. Grin

AnyFucker · 10/01/2013 23:04

MrsTP, I have pm'ed you about summat

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2013 23:06

I'll have a look.

AnyFucker · 10/01/2013 23:07

ta

Original poster
Seekingthezone · 10/01/2013 23:37

MrsTerryPratchett - There has been what felt like pure vitriol on here at times so of course I react. Sarcasm is one coping strategy. Otherwise what do I do believe all of them and go out and top my self cos you were all right and I really am a bad person and no wonder my wife has little to do with me. I think not. I am working on the issues. Alternatives are to walk away or bury my head neither of which works for me.

There is no black and white in this. It is shades of grey not that I am seeking to move into that topic here.

OP posts:
madwomanintheattic · 10/01/2013 23:42

Zone, you are the one that was doing nothing.
She did something. She tried to get you to understand how she felt. You were useless. So she made her own mind up and left.

How in your teeny tiny brain world is that her not doing something and not moving on? To me, it looks like she managed both, despite your best efforts to prevent her.

Hopefully she is much happier since she left work. Is she? Or don't you care much, as it doesn't fit in with your deal?

Did being happy feature in your relationship plan at all? When you discussed it and charted out what was acceptable, and what not? Alongside the finances?

If this was fwr of old, you'd be accused of mansplaining, you know.

Oh, and just because there isn't another woman doesn't mean that you aren't indulging in the fetish described by badinage btw...

I love how you ignore the very many pertinent points about how you are posting and choose to focus on the one apparent inaccuracy. Grin

madwomanintheattic · 10/01/2013 23:45

Shades of grey? Grin

No shit.

I think you'll find that's what everyone has been pointing out - that your behaviour wasn't whiter than the driven snow, and that hers could have been something other than the selfish bit here you were painting.

Nice of you to join us in rl.

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2013 23:59

There's been a little vitriol, some soothing but useless stuff, some good advice and some calling a spade a fucking shovel. One of the reasons to consult the MN Hivemind is to get ALL of those opinions. The problem, if you want to hear my opinion, is that you ARE black and white. You came on here to ask about this but you don't want to hear the truth, which is make it better or leave. If you can't do either, which you seem to be saying, then you need to take your own advice to your DW, which is essentially suck it up and stop complaining.

Personally, I wouldn't stay in a relationship for DD. I think she would be better with two happy parents alone than one unhappy couple. That's me.

I've just realised what my NN is. It's a MAN'S NAME. Aaaarrrgghhh, get it off, it burns. Grin

LovesBeingAtHomeForChristmas · 11/01/2013 05:24

How much longer do you think you can carry on like this? From your point of view she seems to make a lot of big decisions by herself regardless of your feelings? How much longer can you put up with being practically irrelevant ?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 11/01/2013 07:50

Seekingthezone we only see a tip of what I suspect is a very large iceberg. I have had a look at your other thread and I think you are sitting on a ticking time bomb. Please try talking to your wife, as you say yourself there are DCs to consider too and at the moment you and your wife are leading parallel lives - in the same house yes but separate train tracks. Sorry for mixing metaphors, but good luck.

Original poster
Seekingthezone · 18/01/2013 22:03

MrsTerryPratchett,

I am sure you know what you are doing and nothing crept up on you by accident.

Language Darling "...a fucking shovel.." is neither helpful not constructuve or we all drop into the pit.

Agreed a mixture of opiions was presented and some were helpful and constructive (including some questioning ones) but some come out as a (well rehearsed) monologue from the angry brigade and not a dialogue.

Still I have learnt this is no better and worse than the rest of the crazy world, presumably the same one DW was sourced from.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 18/01/2013 22:12

If you don't like swearing, get yourself over to NetHuns. If you don't like strongly put opinions, ditto. If you ask for advice, you get what you're given. I would expect a man, coming into a largely female space (which MN is) and complaining about his DW to have some insight that it may not all be Thanks and Bear

Oh, and sourced from about a person? No.

Original poster
Seekingthezone · 18/01/2013 22:18

So you are the holder of good taste and swearing is in obviously.

Advice and constructive discussion yes, wonderful things. Swearing including use of the f word no. Definitely not.

What is lacking in your vocabularly, education or relationships that you feel the need to resort to such language. How does it improve the quality of the dialogue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Seekingthezone · 18/01/2013 22:51

madwomanintheattic - never claimed I was pure and snow like. Just presnted what were difficult points for me and saught opinions only to be met by swearing and vitriol with some nice considered views in there.

Point is DW will not disuss a lot of this stuff now nor in the past. What line of discussiion is there when I get "...that is the way I am now..."

DW feels free to walk away (without discussion) from commitments we made years ago and which we knew would run for ~20 years and still feel no guilt or remorse and watch while I slug my guts out at work. How can that can be condiered equal. Still that does not seem to count in some peoples books.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles - iceberg is a good metaphor and you are right there. Parellel tracks it is. I have no idea how long it can last.

I tried recently to find a time to discuss theese issues. I asked DW to name a time and place that was convinient to have a discussion so that it would fit in with her schedule even though she is no longer working. I was happy to take the time of work so we could start to discuss some of the issues.

As luck would have it was a day that the man had to come to service the boiler. DW saw no problem in having these discussions at the same time, whist this man was in the house. That shows the level of desire and commitement there is to sort this whole mess out.

OP posts:
badinage · 18/01/2013 22:53

That's a bit rich seeing as you can't even spell vocabulary...........

As for 'sourced from'............do you really use terms like this and not notice people sniggering?

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