To get angry if DW leaves her job without real consultation

[Seekingthezone]

Found out the night before it was going to happen anyway that DW had negotiated her exit.

She had moaned for a couple of years about the job and people and I offered support during that time but
when it came to the crunch I was not consulted and left as sole earner whilst we do depend on both incomes to maintain the current lifestyle.

It was presented as a done deal and I was told by her that she did well to get what she got blah blah.

Oh, I dunno. She could well have given up trying to discuss it with him as he was only really interested in her staying on, and sunk lower and lower until she couldn't take it any more.

I'm just a bit bemused by the fact this happened 6 mos ago and the op has just popped up to have a moan. I suspect it isn't quite as one-sided as the op would have you believe. I'm betting the Ds has a completely different version of events, involving not being listened to. No tales of woe and unsupported sick family members, they seem to have been managing fine for the the interim period.

The Dw's decision hasn't left the family in any sort of predicament at all. Sure, it would have been much better if she'd actually said 'I can't take it any more, I'm quitting tomorrow', but I suspect that he would just have tried to get her to stay again. I'm all for partnership, but if you spend 18 mos telling someone you are unhappy and they just fuck you off and say 'tough', then partnership is over-rated. Sometimes you have to look out for yourself. Especially if you know you have enough money to cope as a family, and a reasonable chance of getting another position, as well as a payout you can access if necessary.

Yanbu

I would be beyond livid.

(I'm assuming you are a geezer. Same goes if not, though - less the actual sperm, obv.)

She's an adult, if she wasn't happy at work then she should have looked for something else.

madwoman surely it is the DW treating the OP as a cash provider?

If she was unhappy at work for 18 months she could have found another job before quitting. If the OP had done the same thing then they'd really be stuffed, which is why in most relationships you discus things that effect you both.

What I can't understand is how 18 months of unhappiness and talking about it equates to without real consultation. I speak as someone who is leaving work this week and the family will be financially supported by DH. I spoke to DH and it certainly didn't take 18 months of me telling him that I thought being at home was better for everyone than my being at work.

She tried to discuss it, for 18 long months, apparently (the op was quite bored by it, and saw it as a massive inconvenience, having to persuade his Dw endlessly to shut up and put up.)

But quite. I don't imagine that she just woke up one morning and thought 'ach, can't be arsed, I wanna be kept'. Imagine how unhappy you'd have to be to make a decision like that, knowing that if you discussed it, your dh would be half arsedly listening whilst ramming home the fact she wasn't allowed to leave, and if you didn't discuss it and just left, he'd be slagging you off on mumsnet.

Pretty win win situation there, obv. I don't imagine it's doing her mh any good knowing that she's no longer contributing to the family finances either. (Although, as he's said it was yonks ago and nothing much has changed, it can't have made that much difference to their 'lifestyle'.)

And with no disposable cash, I doubt she's swanning round the shops and lunching with her mates. She's probably miserable at home knowing her dh thinks she's worth less than something he trod in earlier, and trying to get her self esteem back together after 18 months of misery both at work at home.

Life of Reilly I don't think.

Quite, madwoman. One of the things that is making me feel better about my financial dependence is that DH is 100% supportive and we are a team. I know the OP doesn't feel his DW is being a team player right now (or in the summer ) but did she feel he was for those months before?

I have been thinking exactly as madwoman. Either the dw is a complete monster or there is a lot more to this tale than has been told here.

I would be absolutely fuming and I seriously doubt that anyone would be happy! You don't jack your job in without any discussion at all. It's not fair.

Add to that that the other person got a wodge of cash, decided what they are going to do with it without so much as a conversation about it! AND expects the person who didn't do all this to keep the family afloat while they do whatever the hell it is they want to do!

Frankly, I am baffled by the lack of LTBs. Normally, and normally being based on nothing more than the information given by the OP - they'd be being thrown about all over the place by now.

I'm looking at this equivocally - she may have thought she implicitly had your backing because you have been offering support for 18 months. However, it's clear that she didn't communicate with you in a way that left you satisfied, and it's NU to be angry about that.

Having said that, I would save the anger and continue to offer your wife support, as it's quite a brave decision to leave a job you really hate. Giving up that level of financial stability is a really tough call, and won't have been done lightly despite the apparent lack of consultation. Also, although economic signs are pointing in completely the wrong direction, you still have to back your wife to find another job, and support her in her efforts to do so.

I'd be more annoyed, and asking more questions, about the investment/money thing. Now is the time to be drawing on your long-term investments - the proverbial 'rainy day' - not making them.

Why do men get such a grilling on here? If the gender wsa reversed there would be shouts of 'leave the bastard' and he being abusive. Women can be stupid and/or abusive too.

Sexism is rife on mumsnet harlot!

OP - YANBU, I would be very upset and angry if my partner made such a big decision unilaterally. Also, she's a grown woman; if she was so unhappy for 18 months why the hell was she not proactively seeking something else? If she'd taken responsibility for herself
And said 'look I'm not happy in this job, obviously I still need to contribute financially so I'll look for something else' then there wouldn't be a problem. There's a huge gulf between continuing in a job one hates and just giving up work. It sounds to me like she didn't want to find other work because she was holding out for some sort of pay off (. Which she has then made a unilateral decision about using!)

I would be pissed off too OP

I've posted on another thread where Op's DH wants to leave a job in 2 yrs and tbh the woman got a flaming on that thread

(There were differences- that job leaver is discussing an event 2 yrs away and planned to find alternative but possibly risky employment)

I agree with posters saying something is not adding up on this thread. Either it's a reverse AIBU or only half the situation has been revealed for whatever reason.

I don't have a financial dependant/dependency. If I did I'd be pissed off at any assumption that they could choose not to work but I had to (because someone does!). The posters saying health comes first... Yes ultimately it does but if I walked out of my job on a whim or a bad day or without forward planning I'd be homeless, bankrupt in months. That wouldn't be great for my health either!

My health would suffer if a DP did this to me. My stress would rocket hugely. I am having a tough time at work at the moment. I don't regard working as an option however. I regard it as a necessity and I need to resolve the issues or look around for ways to change my job.

How is quitting your job abusive? Reckless and stupid and thoughtless but abusive?
Yanbu op I'd be fuming if dh did this but if she hasn't been happy then maybe she reached her limit of what she could cope with? I would be looking for evidence of this payout that she's supposed to have got and be quite suspicious that you haven't seen what happened to it.

Quiet - not saying this is abusive but that is often the train of thought regarding men's behaviour on threads regardless. Yes I know men can be abusive, and have met my fair share, but we do have an anti-men bias on here. Women can be dicks too

Itt's ot seixsm to caa a oster out gaps inhs/her story. Ithink some of you are too used to seeing men treated with deference, s .

Look guys, there is more to this.

A simple search on the op's name will give you a clue

Nothing said on here is going to make any difference unless you talk to your wife. Yes she should have communicated better but if she had been unhappy for that long she gave the job a fair go. You have to accept her reasons for doing what she did. She is your wife not a bloody lodger. Her confidence may be at a low ebb and finding a new job can be really hard. Don't keep grilling her about how many CVS she has sent out. Finding a new job to balance with childcare can be very difficult. Of course, I don't know you or your wife and she might be a lazy sponging cow. Somehow I doubt it.

Harlot, I think you'll find I said I would feel the same if it was a same sex partnership. It's only assumption that the op is a man. It could very well be a woman. Whatever the sex of the op, they sound deeply unpleasant and dismissive of the 18 months of trauma that their Dw endured, and spent 18 months trying to discuss to no avail (except essentially, 'stop whining')

I don't give a damn if the op is a man or a woman. Their wife spent 18 mos trying to tell them she was unhappy. And has been roundly ignored, save for the op rounding up their mates to tell the Dw that she was being unreasonable as well.

I'd have walked out of a lot more than my job if my spouse had treated me that way. What on earth was she supposed to do to get the op to believe how unhappy she was? Just saying it wasn't having any effect any at all.

Ha ha ha. I know it's bad form but I did just have a look, AF.

Still managing to pay the (multiple) school fees on one income with no problems, then? and the only thing stopping you walking is because separating would be messy?

Your posts sound as though you are trying to find to find a reason to split up and blame her.

That's nice.

Take a long hard look at yourself, op. and try, just for once, to see that your Dw might be very unhappy. You might be as well, of course, but at the moment it's hidden under a great blanket of assumed injustice. Lose the selfishness and think about how someone else feels.

Followed AnyFucker's suggestion and now waiting to see if OP returns and chooses to disclose more.

I hate the cries of 'sexism' on here. OP is a man who chose to post on a forum for women. That is a choice. Would I post on Dadsnet for support if DH left work? Hell no! So, why do it? Charitably, because it is a huge forum for parents. Or, because he will get ammo to fight his DW, because he likes to goad women, because he wants to say we are all sexist, because he is good and patronising... I like a lot of the men who post on hear but a lot of them are here talking about parenting, sleep, school, whatever. Coming on to AIBU to talk about your DW? Paint me cynical. And, I think if a man left work after 18 months of sadness, depression would be the first thing mooted.

Here not hear, obviously!