To get angry if DW leaves her job without real consultation

[Seekingthezone]

Found out the night before it was going to happen anyway that DW had negotiated her exit.

She had moaned for a couple of years about the job and people and I offered support during that time but
when it came to the crunch I was not consulted and left as sole earner whilst we do depend on both incomes to maintain the current lifestyle.

It was presented as a done deal and I was told by her that she did well to get what she got blah blah.

cabrinha - that is a really good point I have not seen the money or any evidence off it. Time to start asking and looking I think.

Thanks

Fair questions from cabrinha. Even if she wasn't actually sacked, she might have been offered money to go - sometimes happens when they want to get rid of someone quick and don't want to go through long drawn-out capability processes. She could be too embarrassed to tell you, or simply in denial.

So she hasn't been happy working there for 18 months? And you knew that?

solid.. Not sure that is entirely fair. I have supported her for a long time. I have spent a lot of time discussing her job issues. Way more than we have ever spent discussing my own frustrations.

YANBU she should have sat you down so you could discuss it together.

Who is truly happy in their job. I have had huge frustrations in the last 5 years but it did not take up the same airtime nor did I quit. Nor did I bury the money unilaterally.

when did this happen, OP ?

In the summer.

If she was sacked, it might explain lack of job after (I'm a bit confused about when this happened). She may be too scared to apply because of references, or has applied and not got anything.

She may not have been sacked, but she may have walked out when it all became too much?

My father HATED his job, and ended up with a breakdown... My sister suffered similar and a year on, she's only just stopped welling up at the IDEA of going back.

Until you know what's happened, please approach this gently.

Can you get someone to take the kids for an evening, sit down with her and start any conversation with "I love you, I want to help, and I you can tell me anything"?

Try not to be aggressive, bull in a china shop "you're lying, it doesn't add up!".

I'd put money on there being no/little pay off.
Good luck!

So she has been unemployed for 6 months? Is she planning on working or happy to stay at home? Has she been actively looking?

Thanks cabrinha. Good suggestions, especially the line of approach.

Does sound like she couldn't take it anymore. This is what my dh was like. We discussed it for ages but he couldn't take it anymore. Looking back now, if he had stayed he probably would have had a breakdown.

She is looking apparently. The danger is I do not want to demand evidence all the time or it looks very aggressive.

If she hasn't had any interviews,or doesnt gets excited when she sees an advert, doesnt discuss any rejection letters then I doubt she is looking to be honest.

So she has been looking for jobs for possibly six months? Have you seen ANY evidence at all that this is true? Letters inviting her to interview? Copies of her CV? Apart from wanting to sit down and talk about finances etc. could you suggest helping her from the point of view of looking at her CV with a fresh pair of eyes, asking what avenues she is exploring so you could suggest some others etc and try to find out that way what she is doing?

So she was unhappy about it for 18 months, you knew, and your attitude was 'I have spent a lot of time discussing her job issues. Way more than we have ever spent discussing my own frustrations.' And,

'I have had huge frustrations in the last 5 years but it did not take up the same airtime nor did I quit.'

So all this is about you? She'd been telling you for 18 months that she wasn't coping.

You are right I am going to have to get evidence of her trying. There is too much spoken and not enough written. It does not look good I have to admit and if I was reading this about someone else I would be asking why doesn't he just get the evidence. How difficult can it be. Sadly when you are in it it is not quite the same. Tomorrow is another day though.

I'm a SAHM at present but just thinking how I'd feel if I were working and then my DH announced bingo! he's jacked in his job and now we're going to live on my salary. No pressure, then!

A couple of years is a long time to be unhappy in a job but her departure sounds abrupt and the redundancy money is... nowhere to be seen? Is she squirreling it away? Do you have a joint account, if so, any sudden large and unaccounted for withdrawals from your bank account the past year or so preceding the summer?

I quit my job without telling dh.

I was coming home in my lunch break, sobbing my heart out uncontrollably, and not sleeping. I mentioned to him that I wasn't happy.

In our situation, I told him the night of the day I quit, and he was very supportive.

If I had been telling my dh for 18 mos that I wasn't happy, I would expect him to be fully supportive of any decision I made, particularly as you have said you can manage okay, but the 'lifestyle' would have to change.

I'd be hoping that my dh put my mental health before his 'lifestyle', tbh.

And if he didn't, I'd be questioning where to put my redundancy cash, too. (I didn't get any. I just quit.)

Yanbu.

I would be furious.

Current 'lifestyle' needn't mean ski trips and trips to Ascot, it could mean a health care package for a family member with a chronic condition, schooling, a home that will otherwise have to be sold. But yes hopefully each spouse should consider the other's well-being mental as well as physical.

What was she doing in the 18months she was unhappy though? Was she looking for other jobs? Yes spouses should be supportive and concerned for each others mental health. But 18 months of the same conversation without her looking for another job and then just quitting/being sacked? That's not right.

Health comes first.

Yes, but we have no idea how unhappy the OP's wife was or whether her health was affected in any way. I have a friend who has moaned for 10 years about her job but who will never leave it - no reason why she should, she is well-paid, treated well and does a good job. She is just a glass half-empty type of person and likes to moan!