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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite my elderly mother to stay at Xmas?

190 replies

axure · 22/08/2012 17:02

My mother was widowed 3 years ago, she has since stayed with us over Xmas and New Year, but I can't face it again this year. I'm an OC so she will be on her own if she doesn't come here, and makes a point of telling me how miserable she will be. She has to travel by air and gets very tired, so likes to stay for the whole holiday and I end up waiting on her hand and foot, and can't get out to visit friends etc as she sulks if left alone. DH is very patient but I know he dreads Xmas as I feel under pressure to please my demanding mother and I'm crabby with him. I know I'm too soft and should get a thicker skin but it's easier said than done.Any tips?

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 22/08/2012 17:07

Tricky. I think I would invite her - as she has no-one else - but not allow myself to get into the 'waiting on her hand and foot.' Be clear before hand, and get your DH to help you stick to this, that you will be going out and doing things/visiting friends and having people round. When she sulks, just smile and say you'll see her later. If you can fake being ok with it and immune to her pouting she will eventually stop it.

ChickensArentEligableForGold · 22/08/2012 17:08

Agree with narked. My widowed MIL is like this, and in the end you have to practice a little tough love.

ByTheWay1 · 22/08/2012 17:10

I would be unhappy leaving her alone on Christmas - but there is no reason to stay for a week! I know she has a flight, but could come Xmas eve til day after boxing day - lie tell her you/hubby/whoever has to work in between...

And just tell her you have to go out to visit friends - she needs to fit in with your plans if she is visiting.... if she sulks just make fun of it.. and ask for help with things - don't let her sit demanding if you don't want to...

all a lot easier said than done - but I could not imagine leaving an elderly widow alone at Christmas.....

Yani · 22/08/2012 17:10

Tough one. Could you go away for the christmas break?
Failing that, I would extend an invitation, but make it VERY clear that you have pre-existing arrangements that don't involve her.
I think you need to be a little firmer with her, continue your daily life, but make small concessions for the visitor.
Easier said than done. I know :)

NarkedRaspberry · 22/08/2012 17:10

And add in some things she can be involved in too eg going for walks, visiting (tolerant) friends. Make it clear she's included but if she chooses not to come, go without her.

JumpingThroughMoreHoops · 22/08/2012 17:11

I'm so glad i'm not old and alone.

Kayano · 22/08/2012 17:11

I would invite her but say you have events and a trip booked for new year so she can only stay 2 days or 3 days at a push

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 22/08/2012 17:12

What Narked said.

She is your mum.

Nancy66 · 22/08/2012 17:15

She's your mum and she's lonely.

I think it would be very means spirited not to have her at Christmas just because she's hard work.

LynetteScavo · 22/08/2012 17:16

Are you sure she would be alone.....would a friend have her for Christmas day, and you could visit her for a couple of days during the holiday?

This is why I am so glad I'm not an OC and have 3 DC of my own.

Sirzy · 22/08/2012 17:18

I agree with narked. Unless the person wants to be alone then I find the thought of people spending Christmas alone quite sad. I guess as she lives so far away you don't see each other much so I would try to make the most of the chance to spend time together

NatashaBee · 22/08/2012 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 22/08/2012 17:20

I certainly think I would have her to stay, but (if she is fit and healthy enough - which presumably she is if she can fly in to visit you) I would not be waiting on her hand and foot, as I wouldn't for any family member that was staying a week, I would expect them to chip in. Equally, I would let her know (before she booked her ticket) that it would be lovely to see her, but there are a couple of nights / days when I was doing x and y, so she would be on her own for a few hours (as, presumably she would be regularly if she stayed at home), but that, on {insert day} you were going to {insert place} and she was welcome to come there with you if she wanted, etc. Just so it's clear. I wouldn't want to leave her on her own though.

FunnysInLaJardin · 22/08/2012 17:20

Does she have any redeeming features? I ask this as my dad is a total nightmare and I have always hated him visiting. Thankfully he is now too frail, but if we had to host him on his own I would feel the same as you.

Will your mum babysit/help around the house etc? Can you turn the visit to your advantage?

I have my sister over at the moment and had to lay the ground rules before the start of the week otherwise she would just take advantage as she has for the last 14 years. I finally got fed up of being taken advantage of.

FunnysInLaJardin · 22/08/2012 17:21

lots of advantages there Grin

NarkedRaspberry · 22/08/2012 17:21

I'm not trying to be harsh. The way things have been for you is clearly not ok. It's very unfreasonable of her to come to stay for a week and dictate how you spend the whole holiday. Not inviting her would just unleash the biggest sulk ever - and she'd have a point this time. Inviting her on the understanding that you have a life and won't be spending every minute at her beck and call is fair. Going out for drinks for the evening is hardly abandoning her.

takingthestairs · 22/08/2012 17:22

Maybe you could all go away for a few days together for Christmas. She won't feel lonely and you won't feel like you have to wait on her hand and foot?

squoosh · 22/08/2012 17:23

She's your Mum, I really think you should invite her. She may be a pain in the bum but the idea of an elderly widow on her own for Christmas depresses me.

NarkedRaspberry · 22/08/2012 17:25

If get some breaks from her and see friends etc I'd imagine you'll be in a lot better mood when you are dealing with her as you won't feel so trapped.

charlottehere · 22/08/2012 17:25

Ahh you cant leave her all alone. Sad Let her sulk, just get on with things,

Annunziata · 22/08/2012 17:25

She's your mum. I think not inviting her would be something you'd regret.

McBee27 · 22/08/2012 17:25

Do you get along with her in general, other than her being a bit demanding?

If so, I know it's difficult, but she is your Mum, and it's Christmas. Just think, it's only 7 days out of a whole year though I know it may seem longer

I actually do feel a bit sorry for her. Was she with her DH a long time? If so, she's maybe still adjusting to life by herself, and hence why she's making a fuss about being left on her own when you go out?

suburbandream · 22/08/2012 17:25

What Squoosh said. You might be that annoying elderly mother one day, we all might (well those of us who are female)!

Secret7 · 22/08/2012 17:28

She's your mum and she's lonely.

From what you wrote I'm guessing you don't see her very often.

Let her come but tell her what plans you have made to go out.

Don't be mean.

diddl · 22/08/2012 17:29

I also couldn´t leave her.

Could you go to her?

My Dad is on his own & no longer able to come out to us.

Last year we all went to him-but this year I think I´ll be leaving the husband & children-well, teenagers & going alone[sob]

My dad used to come for a month!