AIBU to not invite my elderly mother to stay at Xmas?

[axure]

My mother was widowed 3 years ago, she has since stayed with us over Xmas and New Year, but I can't face it again this year. I'm an OC so she will be on her own if she doesn't come here, and makes a point of telling me how miserable she will be. She has to travel by air and gets very tired, so likes to stay for the whole holiday and I end up waiting on her hand and foot, and can't get out to visit friends etc as she sulks if left alone. DH is very patient but I know he dreads Xmas as I feel under pressure to please my demanding mother and I'm crabby with him. I know I'm too soft and should get a thicker skin but it's easier said than done.Any tips?

Why does the OP have to ignore the huffing highland? I would be furious if there was huffing when I had offered hospitality, explained we wouldn't be there 24/7 due to other commitments and been taken up on the said hospitality. How rude. As someone said, why do older people get special status and carte blanche to behave terribly?

I am a very tough, no nonsense old bat and would sit down and explain all this to my DM, but I know it is not easy for some people to do that.

When I talked to my DM recently about her behaviour and why I didn't think it was acceptable she cried. However she knew she had got it wrong, apologised and we have moved on. It hasn't happened again.

It was stressful when she was upset but I was glad I said something and didn't just fester.

I think it's all to do with people's perception.

One Xmas I was watching morning TV and there was a feature about an old lady who was bemoaning the fact that she was alone at Xmas and her son lived in Australia with his family and never visited.

A friend watched it too. She saw a sad, lonely woman. I saw a bitter, self-centred woman who had probably alienated her DIL and could understand why no one wanted to travel 12,000 miles to be moaned at.

So you see, neither of us was 100% right so this thread isn't as black and white as some people would want it to be.

And OP isn't saying she will leave her Mum alone for the rest of her life. All she wants is ONE CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!

The lesson here is that we reap what we sow. I will never leave my mum alone, because she has always loved and supported me. Relationships are two way. My MIL is less easy, and is negative about everything. Her relatives are much less keen to spend time with her, but she has brought it on herself. I do my duty by her, but it's a shame it's a duty. I now do my own thing while she's staying, and tell her she's welcome to join in.

I did't mean for this to be a depressing thread. I do spend as much time as I can with my Mum throughout the year, on average half my annual leave and considering our relationship has never been great I think I do try. Yes I'd love to have the close mother/daughter bond like some of my friends do, a
Mum who loves you unconditionally and is happy for you to be happy. DH would like to see his parents at Xmas, but has't since my Dad died because we haven't wanted to leave my Mum alone, and as she points out my PIL have another son to stay with whereas she has no-one. She already goes on several cruises each year, but won't go over Xmas as they are v expensive, which is fair enough, she could take 2 cruises at other times for the same cost. I try to go with her for one cruise so we can spend some time together on neutral territory, which is a bit less stressful. It would be nice if we could all go away over Xmas, but this would be at the expense of me and DH affording a holiday on our own during the year.
I think I need to break the cycle of having her to stay every Xmas, it will only get harder if she comes again this year.

No matter the relationship (and I live far away from my mum and would LOVE to have a Christmas with her)... I think it only fair for the OP to want to have a Christmas that her and her little family actually enjoys, and where she is not a skivvy. What about her needs as a wife and mother and woman? What about the kids? They'd get more time with their mum at Christmas when she isn't drawing baths and running after a demanding guest.

When you have a guest (no matter who they are) who moans and puts a dampner on things every time.. WHY should the OP not wish to have a Christmas sans this? When does SHE get to enjoy Christmas? Why should she feel guilt.. when it's not her behaving badly, it's the other party. And she does her fair hare of holiday time with her mum already.

It is a difficult time, Christmas, with so many expectations.. when there is the right thing to do (eg: get all family together etc.)... but with long distance living and family tensions and politics et al this is not always possible or realistic. Forced family gatherings don't always bring happiness and isn't fair.

I would say every other Christmas a decent and fair thing.

Plus what about the inlaws??? Why should her mum always be prioritised over others? Why not combine Christmas with both mum and inlaws? Bet mum wouldn't like that either.

Leaving this horrible thread now,as the new drips have started....in laws losing out ,multiple cruises every year .Also the' Mummy Dearest' gang have arrived who talk about their mothers in a way that makes my eyes bleed.Why do you always shout down the 'nontoxics'?Your own albeit horrid experiences have noting to do with OP simple original query.There is a relationships thread

axure why did you fail to mention all this information in your op? Your last post paints a very different picture of the situation and your relatonship. Ppl have been basing their responses on what you've originally told us. There was no mention of cruises, you spending half your holiday allocation with her, your oh wanting to see his parents in your op at all.

because she is adding all this stuff in to appear less nasty, to justify it all.
I'm off.

Well I only use MN on my phone, so it takes me ages to type compared to using a laptop. My OP explains why I don't want to spend Xmas with her, never considered that this would give the impression that I never see her at any other time. I don't think I'm nasty, quite the reverse in fact. Life is probably much easier if your family live within easy travelling distance and they can visit for a few hours, or a day. Having to spend prolonged periods with a difficult parent is stressful, but unfortunately necessary for me due to logistics.

Axure that's a pretty lame reason. It does not take an essay to write "my mother wants to spend every xmas with me but aibu if this year we either spend it alone as a family or with in laws. I spend half my holiday allocation with her and go on 1 cruise a year with her". There. And I typed that on my phone. Its unreasobable of you to fail to mention important parts of a situation then add them in last minute. Do what you want this xmas.

IMissPluto well pardon me for thinking a thread was a bit like a conversation, you say something, people reply, you elaborate a bit and so on. Sorry if my OP was not succinct enough for you. Yes I will do what suits us best as a family. Maybe should have posted in another topic...

Oh fgs.

She obviously didn't add this information because it was not particularly important to her original OP.

Axure just as some on this thread feel we are nasty and vindictive I feel that they have a rose coloured idealistic concept of mother/daughter relationships.

I don't and totally get where you are coming from.

I love my mother but she is very demanding and difficult. She also lives a long way away and recently came to stay for a couple of months. It was lovely to see her but I was also very glad to see her go.

And I feel no obligation to see her to make her happy. That is not my role or responsibility [although easier to say than to do!]

People have said you reap what you sow.... Well i would hate my sons when they are grown to invite me for Christmas because they feel obligated to out of duty. I hope they do invite me because they find me pleasant company, I add something positive to the experience and they love me.

Not just because they love me and feel they must or I will have no-one else and won't get out of bed or eat

That is called emotional blackmail and has no place in a loving relationship. But ime it is all too common in some mother/daughter relationships.

If you have a good and healthy relationship with your mother well good for you but don't castigate the OP for being honest, talking about a difficult relationship and asking what to do about it.

I think in all honesty this discussion is making some on here quite defensive and I don't know if it is bringing up uncomfortable feelings for them either around their own relationships with their mothers or their daughters.

I didn't realise we were now catagorised as toxics and non toxics depending upon our relationship with our parents. How amusing. I think I may be a half toxic and my dad is PITA wheras my mum is lovely

Not all elderly parents are kind and pleasant people. Indeed some have had a whole lifetime's experience of being unpleasant.

just because you are widowed doesn't mean you have to spend your days alone and friendless.

Could you all travel to hers on boxing day and take her out for lunch? That way you get to see her without it ruining taking over your entire holiday.

Yes I must also be half toxic, as I had to set firm boundaries with my dad (and hence was able to have a good relationship with him, if I hadnt been so firm I couldnt have had ANY relationship with him). And yet I have an excellent relaionship with my mother, who is excellent company and the opposite of a burden. I spend every second Xmas with her, she does her own thing alternate years. My husband has no interest in spending Xmas day with either of his parents as they are both nightmares difficult. All our parents are reaping what they sowed really. We see them loads throughout the year, and yes Xmas is for family, but me, my husband and my son are a family.

Setting boundaries seems crucial, I had no problem with this as a wife/mother, but my efforts at doing this with my own mother have been less than sucessful, I find it hard to enforce them and she doesn't respect them. DH comments how he would never get away with riding roughshod over me like my mother does. She makes me feel like a child at times.

If its any comfort axure, I find the older you get the easier it is. My dad and I had no relationship at all for over five years as he behaved pretty badly, but we got over our estrangement and eventually even went on holiday with him a couple of times (which could be very hard work at times!). But he was always trying to push for more than I (or anyone) could ever give him. Some people are just like that. Believe it or not, I loved him dearly, but now he is dead and I still think I handled him as best I could. He managed to drive away absolutely everyone else. It is probably difficult for people with reasonable parents to understand though.

see glasto thats just what my dad is like. My mum has warned him often that if he keeps it up he will drive everyone away and his children won't want to see him. We still do for mums sake really, but he can be very difficult and unpleasant to be around. He can also be quite nasty to our DC which I can't bear. I too love my dad, but most of the time I don't like him very much.

axure can you set a limit on the length of her visit? We had to do that when dad was mobile to preserve our sanity. We stipulated no more than a 2 night visit, and they were a plane ride away too. Now it's just mum she is welcome to stay longer.

Is there anywhere nearby that she could stay-if you´re still contemplating her coming over?

What do you do for her that she could/ do for herself & what would happen if you make her do these things iyswim?

If my DD wrote this about me I would be

She's your mother! Just talk to her FFS

WillNeverGetALicence "If your GM was as dreadful as you say she did not deserve to spend every Christmas with her children imo". You're absolutely right, she didn't.

Mum felt bad that she was on her own, and despite GM's spitefulness, wanted to do the right thing by her.

I don't think I know anyone though, in my circle of friends, whose grandparents/parents would be left out of Christmas celebrations if they were physically able to be there, just because their presence was deemed a bit annoying.

'I don't think I know anyone though, in my circle of friends, whose grandparents/parents would be left out of Christmas celebrations if they were physically able to be there, just because their presence was deemed a bit annoying. '

And I don't think everyone else in the family should have Xmas ruined because someone can't behave in a reasonable manner!

Axure, I understand completely where you are coming from, and it is very hard to say no and set boundaries, especially once Mums are (not elderly but) older and expect their grown-up and mature children to still run around after them, and no traditions shall ever be broken again!!

If you do have to have your mum this year, try to set the boundaries before she comes, letting her know that you will be going out to A's house on Mon morning, meeting B&C for drinks on Wed evening, and having D, E & F over for a meal on Fri. But you will also be booking tickets for the carol service in "Ye local heritage spot", would she like you to book 1 for her too? Of course she will be eating with you all on the Friday. Perhaps we could go together to (beautician/hairdresser/nice coffeeshop) on Tuesday late afternoon after work? ...... And you recognise that as she's getting older, while she might like to come to event M, N and O, you realise that the party on NYE might be too much for her so you are planning on having a nice platter of nibblies and a small bottle of champagne for her to welcome the NY at the hour of her choosing at home, we'll try not to make too much noise when we roll in in the early hours.....

I'd also have some coping strategies for when she is in the house with you all. That you have your lists of things to get done yourself and get through them, let her know which programmes you really want to watch on tv, and make sure you have some space in the day to chat with her too (even if it's over the kitchen table while you peel potatoes). Get an old-fashioned kettle for the cooker, so she can make her own tea when she needs it. Do a (secret) list of jobs that she could do that would "really help me out Mum, you can see how much there is to do", when you need a distraction. Even have a few that you can flatter her and play to her strengths with - like if she's good at arranging flowers, ask her to do some for the table, or for the hall (if you'd prefer to do the table yourself). Or set the table for dinner, do some of the cooking (any particular specialities?), help DS with his wrapping ("boys are all thumbs, aren't they"), .....

And I don't know if this IS possible, but maybe try to make her room really comfortable with a chair, nice books, radiator on and cosy, lap blanket, basket of snacks, radio or CD player or even a small tv, maybe some nice bath bubbles....so that she has somewhere nice to retreat to. Or have a place you can send her downstairs (like lighting open fire in living room early in the day or as soon as you get home rather than later in the evening, having candles lit there, nice music or tv available...) and sending her in with a nice cup of tea to relax while you get a few things done and will join her later. And also having some space somewhere that you can retreat to as well (even if that is having candles, music, a book and some really nice bath stuff in the bathroom to sneak in with a glass of wine for a half hour).

I know that probably reads patronisingly and it really isn't meant to be, just a few things I keep saying I will try and some that I have for similar circumstances.