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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not invite my elderly mother to stay at Xmas?

190 replies

axure · 22/08/2012 17:02

My mother was widowed 3 years ago, she has since stayed with us over Xmas and New Year, but I can't face it again this year. I'm an OC so she will be on her own if she doesn't come here, and makes a point of telling me how miserable she will be. She has to travel by air and gets very tired, so likes to stay for the whole holiday and I end up waiting on her hand and foot, and can't get out to visit friends etc as she sulks if left alone. DH is very patient but I know he dreads Xmas as I feel under pressure to please my demanding mother and I'm crabby with him. I know I'm too soft and should get a thicker skin but it's easier said than done.Any tips?

OP posts:

GranToAirMissiles · 22/08/2012 22:15

OP could you specify what waiting on her hand and foot means?

Original poster

axure · 22/08/2012 22:50

I don't have a problem with her being old, it's the fact that she's a miserable old bag at times, last year we went out on NYE but at 11:45 she was suddenly tired and wanted to go home and sat with a face like a slapped arse until we left shortly after midnight whilst the fun was getting going.
She is unable to operate any of the appliances in my house, so I end up doing everything from making a cuppa (not forgetting to stir the sugar) to running her bath.
Childhood Xmasses weren't great, as my Mum didn't like making an effort to entertain, rather she prefers to be entertained and looked after, I suspect she has NPD.
I try my best, but nothing is ever good enough and I just feel like saying "Sod it" this year.

OP posts:

FunnysInLaJardin · 22/08/2012 23:28

Tiger you know nothing about my relationship with my father, so please don't presume to judge

FunnysInLaJardin · 22/08/2012 23:31

axure you have my every sympathy. Parents who suddenly can't work the dishwasher/telly/car/ where the shops are/ the kettle etc. It's infuriating. Plus being miserable and demanding just because that is how they have always been.

Old grannies and grandpas are not all sweetness and light. Far from it

Nanny0gg · 22/08/2012 23:41

Can't wait till I'm really old and can become a burden to my children. I wonder when they'll start dreading having to see me.

Sorry folks, this thread doesn't make for very cheerful reading.

BagofHolly · 22/08/2012 23:47

" Plus being miserable and demanding just because that is how they have always been."

As we're you, when you were tiny, and teething, and not sleeping, and scared in the night. And they cared for you and loved you and looked after you. But hey, that was all a long time ago, and it was their job to love you and anyway you can't remember that stuff so...

valiumredhead · 22/08/2012 23:50

She's your mum! You won't have her forever. Christmas is about families. God, the poor woman will be on her own if she doesn't come to you - could you honestly live with yourself and enjoy Christmas knowing she is on her own?

Change YOUR behaviour when she stays - go out and see friends, if she sulks so be it.

2rebecca · 22/08/2012 23:50

I would invite her just for xmas and make it clear that you want to do your own thing for new year. I don't see Hogmanay as a family event like xmas. It's more a time for partying. Have her xmas eve and going back the day after boxing day. If she wants to spend New Years day in bed she won't be that different from many folk here in Scotland! Also don't run round after her. Give her jobs to do and go out if you want to go out.

valiumredhead · 22/08/2012 23:52

Fancy having to run your mum a bath and make her a cuppa - not like she ever looked after you eh?

2rebecca · 22/08/2012 23:52

If I only had 1 child I would not expect them to spend every xmas with me.
Having said that I wouldn't leave my dad alone for xmas, but he is very easy to look after and helps. I'd happily leave him alone for new year though.

BagofHolly · 22/08/2012 23:53

What a horrible thread.

valiumredhead · 22/08/2012 23:53

Well I only have one child, I bloody hope he's nice to me when I'm old!

GranToAirMissiles · 22/08/2012 23:53

This looks like a good book, and the used copies are very cheap

www.amazon.co.uk/Coping-Your-Difficult-Older-Parent/product-reviews/038079750X/ref=sr_1_1_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1

MamaMumra · 22/08/2012 23:54

Suck it up OP - invite her this year and the next - you can still go out and do what you want to do but she won't be here for ever and you'll never regret making sure she isn't lonely or unwanted.
Feel sad for all those unwanted relatives out there ....

bogeyface · 22/08/2012 23:58

FFS, give Ax a break!

If someone is a PITA then they are a PITA and doesnt matter if they are 8 or 80! Would you be saying this if the OP was 30 and her mum 55? I bet not.

The OP said that her mum has always wanted to be looked after and entertained, and now, after a lifetime of it, she has had enough and I for one dont blame her.

And does no one else think it odd that a woman who lives alone most of the time suddenly cant operate a kettle the second she walks into her DDs home? Seems to me that she can manage when she wants to, but expects to be waited on hand and foot when Ax is around. And I rather suspect that the emotional blackmail is not a new thing either, I am sure that the OP had her fair share of that growing up and in the years since too.

MamaMumra · 22/08/2012 23:59

Perhaps even learn to appreciate the time you do spend together. We have loads of really irritating relatives but they are our relatives! Your son will learn that it's ok to treat you the way you treat your mother.

BagofHolly · 23/08/2012 00:00

"Would you be saying this if the OP was 30 and her mum 55? "

Yes, absolutely.

tiddlypool · 23/08/2012 00:02

YABU.

bogeyface · 23/08/2012 00:03

Really BAg? hand on heart?

A demanding mother who is perfectly capable of making her own cup of tea and running her own bath, lays on emotional blackmail until she gets her own way and you would say "Awwwww but she is your mum, you must!"

Just because people are relatives doesnt stop them being unbelievably difficult to live with. If the OPs mother is demanding, sulky and blackmailing then I wouldnt want to spend time with her either, and her age and marital status have nothing to do with it. You cant treat people like that and expect them to keep taking it.

MamaMumra · 23/08/2012 00:04

Yes bogey she probably is a PITA but still.... Who isn't sometimes, especially at Christmas
OP get a thermos ready in the morning, run her a bath, no skin off your nose, right? What I'm saying is don't let her visit stop you planning other things.

thepeoplesprincess · 23/08/2012 00:14

YANBU.

I always have my mum for Xmas Day, but she only lives round the corner so it's only a short visit.

However, i don't see in principle why it should be ok for her to spoil my Christmas and I should have to just suck it up because she birthed me. If she was pleasant and fun and helpful and (Gobforbid) nice to me, then it would be a different story.

Those whose lives are not blighted by demanding, passive aggressive bullying parents cannot begin to understand, sadly.

firemansamisnormansdad · 23/08/2012 00:15

I think it all depends on what sort of relationship you have with your mother in the first place. And it's all Charles Dicken's fault and his Tiny Tim. Oliver Cromwell banned Christmas. What would happen if Nick Clegg tried to do the same?

ninah · 23/08/2012 00:19

what a mean spirited thread

bogeyface · 23/08/2012 00:21

How is it mean spirited Ninah?

Being old doesnt give anyone grounds to treat other people like shit.

As thepeoplesprincess said, if you havent had parents like this then you really wouldnt understand the stress of spending extended periods of time with them.

AlmostAHipster · 23/08/2012 00:24

OP, my mother turns into a helpless old lady when she's with me, even though she's a strong career woman who travels the world. She's negative about everything, says really mean things to me and my kids and weeps when challenged about her behaviour. The stress of being with her often makes me ill!

However, she has no partner and I see her whenever she wants me too. She snaps her fingers and I go running, no matter how fed up of her constant demands I am, because I'm all she's got. She's my mother and I see it as my duty to be as good a daughter to her as I can be (I struggle though. I'm not great at it because of her behaviour) so I know that every holiday throughout the year is spent with her until she passes. It's just the way that it is :(

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