AIBU to not invite my elderly mother to stay at Xmas?

[axure]

My mother was widowed 3 years ago, she has since stayed with us over Xmas and New Year, but I can't face it again this year. I'm an OC so she will be on her own if she doesn't come here, and makes a point of telling me how miserable she will be. She has to travel by air and gets very tired, so likes to stay for the whole holiday and I end up waiting on her hand and foot, and can't get out to visit friends etc as she sulks if left alone. DH is very patient but I know he dreads Xmas as I feel under pressure to please my demanding mother and I'm crabby with him. I know I'm too soft and should get a thicker skin but it's easier said than done.Any tips?

Maybe assertiveness training axure?

I think I would feel mean not having my mum in your situation, however difficult she was, so it would be hard to enjoy Christmas knowing she was alone.

If you had more confidence in handling her would that make a big difference? The reality is that at this stage in your mums life she needs you more than you need her - you are the one with the power in the relationship in a sense - even if it doesnt feel like that when youre together- and you can choose how to use it.

What would your ideal solution to the situation be? For her not to come, or for her to come but for you to find it less of a trial?

FWIW I've had very few Christmases while my kids were growing up which were free of difficult relatives who stayed for several days .. I've spent months before with a sinking feeling, gritted my teeth for days and felt exhausted by the end of it all. But there never seemed to be an alternative which didn't make other people feel lonely and unhappy :(

You should invite her OP but don't blame her for YOU running her baths and making endless cups of tea etc and not going out, that's madness.

You need to be assertive and make your own plans with friends etc so you get out of the house. The problem here as far as I can see is not your mum as such but your behaviour when you are with her. You need to break the cycle but it's not kind just to not invite her for Christmas - you aren't actually dealing with the problem that way.

Here we go again with the all-mothers-are-wonderful-and-you-owe-them-your-life-because-they-chose-to-have-you brigade. Newsflash: a lot of mothers (and other blood relations) are a nightmare, not everyone has a happy family and people should be more empathetic towards those who don't if they, themselves, are lucky enough to blessed in that way.

As adult human beings it is only reasonable that we do our best to be good company, even tempered and pleasant to other people if we want to spend more time with them. Sharing the same blood as someone doesn't give you carte blanche to be a gigantic pain in the arse and think they should just suck it up indefinitely.

If you can't be bothered to put effort into relationships so that they are a two-way street then, eventually, people are going to get fed up and not invite you around any more. If you end up lonely and alone because of that, well, that was your choice.

People who exploit a blood relationship and use passive aggressive, emotional blackmail shite to try and guilt other people into giving them what they want should be avoided at all costs. Deeds have consequences, as soon as people learn this and stop thinking that bad behaviour that wouldn't tolerated from friends will be endured because they happen to share dna with someone, the sooner the world will be a much happier place.

OP, you have tolerated more than your fair share of crap. Give her a warning and if she doesn't change then reduce the time you spend with her, it's the only way she'll learn. Why should someone else's happiness be prioritised over yours and that of your children and husband? You have a right to enjoy life too. Life is short and there are no prizes for being a martyr.

Yes I agree you don't get a medal for being a martyr and not inviting her is running away from the problem. I think we might have assertiveness training courses at work, not sure how that translates into a relationship where emotions are involved, but might be worth a go. Like I said earlier I don't have a problem dealing with anyone else. She just has a knack of making me feel inadequate and not good enough which goes back to childhood. I don't want to wish her life away and resent spending time with her. It would be nice to enjoy our time together, but this has never been the case and I think I should just stop trying. Need to calm down after her visit last week where she was super-demanding.

yanbu op.i have posted before about how mil expects us to dinner every sunday.we also spent nearly all our xmas with her. last year i put my foot down and said we were staying at home.i did have a couple of posters tell me i was being nasty leaving her on her own until i poonted out she had fil! i would invite your mum for new year instead this year.if she is capable of going on cruises then she is capable of making her own arrangements at xmas.

Good luck. I honestly think if you change your behaviour and almost re write 'the script' so to speak, you will find it easier - I know from experience I did.

I agree with Narked and Secret7 - invite her - especially as your husband is so kind to be patient about it - but definitely try to fit in your own time around the visit. Everyone is different, so only you know what is best for you and your family. However, from the posts on here it does seem that we have so many good mums who sacrifice a lot for their children - when we ourselves were children, our Mums (parents/guardians) "sacrificed" a lot for us (a little or a lot depending on the siutation!) some minor examples - not going out to stay in and look after us - giving up things that are not compatible with little kids - perhaps restricting career options (more major!) etc - all the late nights and tantrum soothing and fever related night vigils - we now should make time for them - circle of life :-)

workingmummy that may be true, but a lot of the time when people post on here about their problematic relationships with their mothers it's because there is a mismatch between their perception of what their mothers did for them, and what their mothers continue to expect of them. That is certainly true for me - my mother is selfish and only interested in her stuff, doesn't acknowledge my family fully (we are a gay couple, I am not a biological parent) - but has expectations about how much time and energy I should continue to devote to her.

My friends who have mothers who genuinely did sacrifice things for them continue to have much more reasonable expectations of what a parent with their own children can do for them

CleopatrasAsp and rhetorician - yes, true that not all parents give equally - related to their personalities/agendas etc, but was just thinking in this situation it is only 1 week and at a special time of year - it is not that the parent is coming to live there permanently and it does not seem that OP is "at war" with the parent.

Parents can be intolerant of our lives/us sometimes, but they still did take steps to bring us up - and we perhaps should value what they did do for us. Sadly, yes, some parents do place beliefs/traditions etc before their children, or think they are doing it for your own good (?! - know some people who experienced much unhappiness as parents did not accept who they married - surely there the parent caused the unhappiness and not the person who married their child - but that is another story). If the child who went into care recently (think there was a post about it in the last week) due to her mother leaving her for 24 hours on her own chose never to speak to her Mum again I would not find it surprising.

having said all that, I do have my mother not only at Christmas, but every couple of months year round - I am either a mug or a very forgiving person - I'm not always sure which!

Rhetorician, you sound lovely actually and your mum sounds very lucky you are so kind to her.

Been following this thread and just wanted to ask something of the posters who i think are being a bit hard on the OP.
How many of you heard this old chestnut while you were teenagers still living at home "while you are living in my house you will live by my rules/do as i say." Now if some of the more cantankerous elderly Mothers/fathers/inlaws used to trot this old saying out when you were young i see absolutely nothing wrong with reminding them of it when they come to stay at Christmas.

if there was a like button I'd like that post carernotasaint

Why thankyou

like @ carernotasaint and rhetorican - exactly, nothing wrong with laying out rules, but seems a bit harsh to exclude someone completely (unless they have done something that bad of course)