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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite my elderly mother to stay at Xmas?

190 replies

axure · 22/08/2012 17:02

My mother was widowed 3 years ago, she has since stayed with us over Xmas and New Year, but I can't face it again this year. I'm an OC so she will be on her own if she doesn't come here, and makes a point of telling me how miserable she will be. She has to travel by air and gets very tired, so likes to stay for the whole holiday and I end up waiting on her hand and foot, and can't get out to visit friends etc as she sulks if left alone. DH is very patient but I know he dreads Xmas as I feel under pressure to please my demanding mother and I'm crabby with him. I know I'm too soft and should get a thicker skin but it's easier said than done.Any tips?

OP posts:
ninah · 23/08/2012 00:28

'waited on hand and foot' seems to = a cuppa and a bath - and where's the 'treating like shit?'
sounds like she knows she has a fair idea she's an obligation rather than a pleasure
Yeh my dps weren't a picnic but fortunately they are no longer around to cause difficulty Hmm

ninah · 23/08/2012 00:30

almost, I am sure you are fab.

CuriousMama · 23/08/2012 00:40

I mention every year that we should invite dp's step mum but he won't have it. She is very hard work I know but I'd like to at least invite her. She goes to her friend's anyway so isn't alone but it'd be nice for family to ask her. Her dd never visits, she's in Canada. I've been with dp 4 years and have never heard of her visiting? The dd is very rich and successful so could easily have her mother over for Christmas imo?

My mum doesn't nor ever has done Christmas. She makes a beef dinner on Boxing day. She made some effort when I was young but tbh I think that was more my dad? Mum's lovely though just a bit 'can't be arsed' at times.

OP YANBU in my opinion if it really spoils your Christmas. I know it'd be difficult for me to let my own mother be alone for Christmas if she celebrated it. She has a dp though so not alone. Plus she's not bothered at all by it.

kitsonkittykat · 23/08/2012 00:42

If Dd didn't want me at Christmas when she was grown up and I would be otherwise alone, I would think that I must really have messed up our relationship in a totally unforgivable way.

gotthemoononastick · 23/08/2012 01:42

Almostahipster gets it totally

NellyJob · 23/08/2012 01:53

that's really mean, you don't want your mum for a week cos she is 'hard work'?
you were 'hard work' for her for years.
soon she will be dead and then you won't have a mum.
ask her to babysit while you go out for an evening or two.
some people are so nasty.

gotthemoononastick · 23/08/2012 01:56

This has been such a depressing thread....true reflection of selfishness,materialism and skewed values.Dishonouring of elders in the famiy,passed on to big- eared next generation, that will compound the sorry saga ,because that is what they are taught to live.

NellyJob · 23/08/2012 01:58

I wish my mum could come for Christmas Sad

Iteotwawki · 23/08/2012 04:43

She's your mother. That's all that should be needed.

Echo the sentiments of others who have found this an exceptionally sad thread.

I think my MiL may have NPD - she was never the best mother to my husband, he has a very strained / difficult relationship with her to this day. But he is her only son and so she will be spending every Christmas with us until she dies (she's in her 60s so a good 30 years yet). And every summer family holiday. Because she's family, and we're all she has.

Iteotwawki · 23/08/2012 04:44

( Nelly - I wish mine could be there too)

MidnightinMoscow · 23/08/2012 05:56

It's very easy for those who have or have had a good relationship with their parents to be so judgemental.

For those of us that have grown up under different circumstances, it is
easier to see the OP's view.

It is very painful to admit to yourself that you have a poor relationship with your parents.

OP, I suspect the reason you run around for her and do everything she demands is because you are still seeking the approval from her that you have never had.

catsmother · 23/08/2012 06:11

There's an awful lot of generalising going on in this thread. It's all very well saying "she's your mum, she wiped your bum, she did this that and the other etc etc" but is it really so impossible to have just a little bit of empathy/sympathy for those of us whose relationship with our mother wasn't/isn't a cliched ideal ? Can the critics not imagine that some mothers aren't, actually, very good at the role, and that some are bloody awful ...... yet years on, expect a deference and "respect" simply because they are a mother, by title, even though they've never been especially motherly ?

Yes - I agree it is sad when a mother/child relationship isn't what it's supposed to be, but asking the (adult) child to act like everything's wonderful isn't going to solve years of disinterest/manipulation/emotional blackmail/rejection/criticism or whatever is it ?

bosey · 23/08/2012 06:15

What's all the 'she's your mother. that's all that should be needed' all about? And something about 'duty'?

As far as I'm concerned, respect is earned. My parents have done nothing to earn mine and they failed in their duty to provide me with a safe and loving upbringing. Which is why I will not spend xmas with them.

YANBU

bosey · 23/08/2012 06:16

Catsmother put it better than me

sashh · 23/08/2012 06:29

Go away and take mum with you, stay in a hotel where there is someone to wait on her hand and foot.

Maybe go to hers instead, then you can leave when you want.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 06:39

I agree with catsmother - some mothers are just very difficult. I know one who had a lifetime of getting her own way, her parents gave in to tantrums and then her husband - needless to say her relationship with her daughter was poor.
However I think Christmas a family time so I would invite her, but let her go home before New Year, which is not a family time. She may not be able to operate machines but she could peel potatoes etc. Try not to get sucked back into the mother/child relationship. Carry on as normal and let her fit in.

EmpireStateofMind · 23/08/2012 06:58

Difficult one. Personally I would feel sorry for my DCs if every Christmas was spent entertaining miserable relatives. Your DS won't enjoy seeing his mother upset and dreading Christmas either.

Does your DM realise she is such a drain on proceedings? How about you say to her that she didn't seem to enjoy it with you last year and would she be happier doing her own thing with friends or going away on a cruise?

Could you spell it out that you are happy to look after her if she is going to be grateful and cheerful? I don't suppose you can actually say that though can you...

IMissPlutoBeingaPlanet · 23/08/2012 06:58

Based on your op you haven't suggested you've had a particularly toxic relationship. Rather you've portrayed yourself as someone who simply views their mother as a nuisance. Its a few days a year fgs. One day your mother won't be here and you'll regret not spending 3-4 days over xmas with her.

WillNeverGetALicence · 23/08/2012 07:00

I think there is a ridiculous amount of judginess on this thread and a remarkable lack of empathy.

OP your mother sounds a PITA and an emotional blackmailer to boot.

I personally find it very patronising to the elderly that people are saying Awww she's 80 and a widow, suck it up.

So being a senior citizen and no longer in possession of a husband gives you special status and the right to act in a demanding and passive aggressive way? As if you're no longer a normal member of society but need to be treated with kid gloves and condescension?

And all those people saying she wiped your bum and cleaned your teeth... Firstly, presuming much are we, how the feck do you know? For all you know OPs Mum might have been neglectful [and in fact OP feels her mother has NPD which in all likelihood made her emotionally quite neglectful of others]. Secondly, so the hell what? That's what mothers do, wipe bums and clean teeth, etc. I sure as hell don't expect my DSs to be grateful for this. I chose to have children and I knew that I would be required to look after them. I don't think an elderly parent automatically deserves this same care, particularly if they are not particularly pleasant to their offspring.

OP only you can decide whether you can live with the fact of not inviting your mother for Christmas and her emotional manipulations if this happens.

Personally I would not give in to her demands and would have a quiet Christmas with your family and invite her for the New Year instead.

I mean if DM makes Christmas so stressful isn't it a little unfair on your DC? Christmas is really a celebration for children imo and should be about them and making lovely memories for them, not difficult and demanding elderly family members.

exoticfruits · 23/08/2012 07:06

I don't think that making lovely memories for DCs means excluding their grandmother! It doesn't bode well for your future if DCs see that Christmas means not bothering with the troublesome- DCs do as you do. DCs enjoy Christmas - I don't think it is just about them.

WillNeverGetALicence · 23/08/2012 07:11

I'm sorry but Christmas also does not give grown adults carte blanche to act in whatever way they want and be excused for it.

fluffyraggies · 23/08/2012 08:03

What is it with all these:
"oh what a depressing thread".
"I wish i had a mum".
"Some people are so nasty"
one line posts going on? It doesn't happen on threads about problems with partners.

Good God i thought the days when we weren't allowed to mention how we feel because of being 'duty-bound' were gone.

Everyone is judging th OP by their own relationships with their mum. Good for you if it's all rosey cheeked grandma and happy memories. It's not like that for everyone and there are shades of grey in-between the ideal and total misery. And we should be allowed to talk about it without being judged.

LadyMamaLard · 23/08/2012 08:06

Now my grandmother was really toxic. Mum, aunt and uncle are all emotionally scarred and slightly dysfunctional as a result of her horrible treatment of them, which continued until she died.

She was a cold and unloving character, but as my grandad died before I was born she spent every Christmas with us, otherwise she would have been alone.

OP YANBU to wish for a Christmas without your Mum doint exactly as you please, but YABU if you go ahead and don't invite her.

I think unless your parents were so abusive or neglectful that you maybe don't have a relationship with them or have cut them out of your life for the sake of your own mental health, it is the right thing to look after them when they get old, especially at Christmas.

WillNeverGetALicence · 23/08/2012 08:36

*Now my grandmother was really toxic. Mum, aunt and uncle are all emotionally scarred and slightly dysfunctional as a result of her horrible treatment of them, which continued until she died.

She was a cold and unloving character, but as my grandad died before I was born she spent every Christmas with us, otherwise she would have been alone.*

I can't believe you say this and then go on to tell OP she is being unreasonable for considering not inviting her mother to spend Christmas with her?

If your GM was as dreadful as you say she did not deserve to spend every Christmas with her children imo.

That is enabling abusive behaviour.

I am sorry to hear your mother, aunt and uncle suffered as a result of your GMs treatment.

But still the ideal of duty was/is upheld. That really is very sad story.

highlandcoo · 23/08/2012 08:37

Won't you feel rotten if you don't invite her?

Surely there's a middle ground between refusing to have her for Christmas and having no time at all to yourself over the holiday? Decide how much you can offer your mum, plan in some time for yourself and your DH ignoring the huffing and do the rest with good grace.