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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to not invite my elderly mother to stay at Xmas?

190 replies

axure · 22/08/2012 17:02

My mother was widowed 3 years ago, she has since stayed with us over Xmas and New Year, but I can't face it again this year. I'm an OC so she will be on her own if she doesn't come here, and makes a point of telling me how miserable she will be. She has to travel by air and gets very tired, so likes to stay for the whole holiday and I end up waiting on her hand and foot, and can't get out to visit friends etc as she sulks if left alone. DH is very patient but I know he dreads Xmas as I feel under pressure to please my demanding mother and I'm crabby with him. I know I'm too soft and should get a thicker skin but it's easier said than done.Any tips?

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 22/08/2012 18:19

I sympathise. My Mother was widowed 5 years ago and has become incredibly selfish and demanding. I do have her over Xmas but limit it to a two night stay - she does not get to say how long she stays in my house. Luckily my sister drives her down and stays too - this way my Mum gets to see the whole family at least.

I would have your Mum, but limit the stay to a few days only. Of course if she sulks you have the perfect excuse not to invite her again

We do however leave my PILs on their own, MIL has Alzheimers and can't travel any more. I feel a bit guilty at that but we go up and do Xmas for them a couple of days later.

halcyondays · 22/08/2012 18:21

Yabu. We invite my dad for Xmas every year, and will continue to do as he would be on his own if we didnt. We also invite mil every year but she doesnt always come.

I wouldn't want to spend Christmas Day on my own. I think it would be mean not to invite her, but there is no need to wait on her hand and foot the whole time.

ElephantsOlympianParty · 22/08/2012 18:37

You have my sympathies, OP, as I'm in a similar situation. My mother was widowed 25 years ago and has been on her own ever since. She's lucky in as much that I stayed at uni for many, many years, and am single without children, so until I got a full-time job in my late twenties I spent all my holidays at her house. Since I've been working I've not had as much free time, so see less of her.

With regards to Christmas, it's only the last few years when I've decided that I can't, for the sake of my sanity, go down every year. I like having a non-religious time at home and didn't want to feel that I HAD to go every year until she dies. I know this sounds cruel, but I really had to put some boundaries in place. And so I've been staying at home every other year, and will do this year. This isn't totally without reason - me and my flatmate have many pets, and it's hard to ask our elderly neighbour to be responsible at that time of year when there is likely to be snow and ice on the ground. We have got a student in before now, but I don't really like leaving everything in the care of the stranger for a week.

There's no way my mother would come here for Christmas. I have offered, but she wants to go to church and do the religious thing. Fair enough.

There is an extra factor in my situation which is that I'm not an only child. I do have a sister, who lives closer to my mother than I do, yet sees her less. She's not spent Christmas with her for over 10 years. I don't feel it should be my responsibility alone to see my mother is not on her own. Plus there are friends my mother could go to, but won't as then she can't moan she's on her own if I'm not there.

(Sorry, neither helpful nor relevent, but highly cathartic!)

axure · 22/08/2012 19:00

amothersplace when I read the start of the 2nd para of your post I thought you were extending your hospitality!
DS is now 19 and does his own thing with GF and mates.
ElephantsOlympian alternate years sounds a good idea, for sanity's sake as you say.
If it turned out to be her last Xmas I'd feel awful for ever, but it could be the last one for any of us, so I'm thinking I should do what I want for a change.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 20:02

I think that Christmas is for family rather than friends. Can't you do the friends before?

gotthemoononastick · 22/08/2012 20:14

"Thou art thine Mother's glass and she in thee calls back the lovely April of her youth".....

SundaeGirl · 22/08/2012 20:18

YABU. I think it's a bit brutal to not invite your mum because she's old (effectively).

Ask her for her help in advance and say you're going out a few of the evenings she'll be there, but if that doesn't bother her then she'd be welcome to come.

Teamumizumi · 22/08/2012 20:19

Hi OP, YANBU and you have my sympathy. My mother was widowed 8years ago and apart from 6 years when i lived in australia, we have always spent xmas with her. This year I would like to spend xmas with just my family doing our own thing (my mum doesn't like turkey, bread sauce, potatoes, xmas cake, mince pies, xmas pud and frowns at anyone who looks at a second helping, plus she's like one of the Harry Potter dementors, sucking the joy out of xmas whilst using passive aggressive tactics to get her own way/get sympathy).

The trouble is, xmas day is xmas day and saying that you can have your own way for the rest of the year is not the same. I suppose you could have her for xmas and do exactly as you would if she wasn't there and see if you can enjoy it - easier said than done. Selective deafness is a good one and my own DH always says (very condescendingly with a smile on his face) "you're funny!"every time iask him to do something he doesn't want to do. Good luck!! Tell us what you eventually decide what to do.

NovackNGood · 22/08/2012 20:23

If you don't want her there then you are not being unreasonable to not invite her especially is she overstay her welcome. She has plenty of time to organise other events and if she usual,y can afford to fly then she take a cruise and meet new people to reinvigorate herself.

OneMoreChap · 22/08/2012 20:30

No. Christmas is a time for enjoyment with friends and family. If she's not going to enjoy it...

... and better you set boundaries now.

gotthemoononastick · 22/08/2012 20:41

Been wondering why this has been worrying me so much and I think it is the staggering lack of empathy for your own...especially the son who mirrors Mum,s thoughts.Perhaps he was only trying to be clever???How old is he?

BagofHolly · 22/08/2012 20:44

"She's 81, but in good health generally, so may live another 10-20 years, am I expected to spend every Xmas with her until she dies? "

Yes, she's your mum. She wiped your arse, stayed with you when you were sick, sat up through broken nights, cuddled and kissed you and loved you as fiercely as you love your own children.
And one day you'll be old, and will miss your mum. I bet she misses hers.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 20:56

I would just treat her like a difficult toddler, Teamumizumi, serve it up, if she doesn't want it tell her to make a sandwich. Keep jolly - just offer seconds. Take passive aggressive at face value. Prime the family beforehand.

lazymum99 · 22/08/2012 20:58

We have this situation with a MIL in her 80s. She has stays with us for: a week over each sons birthday, 2 weeks at xmas and a week at easter! This has been going on for the last 14 years since she was widowed. We have now made xmas easier by going away over it with another family who also have a widowed mother. However, my MIL is not difficult when she stays, but I would sometimes like it to be just 'us'. Could you go away over xmas, it does take some of the pressure off.

gotthemoononastick · 22/08/2012 21:06

How sad to have become a 'situation' in your last years,even if you are a non troublesome old girl.

gotthemoononastick · 22/08/2012 21:07

What would be different on Christmas day for"just us"?

ClaireRacing · 22/08/2012 21:08

What kind of will is she likely to have?

PurplePidjin · 22/08/2012 21:08

"If I don't come I'll just stay in bed all day, and won't bother cooking anything"

"Wow, Mum, that sounds like my idea of heaven!"

To those doubting, my gran managed a month in California last year aged 90. Fuck knows how she got insured, but she had fun, saw relatives and is still going strong glad i only live round the corner and get away with a few hours a month

OP, team up with other friends who also have visiting relatives and take it in turns to host afternoon drinkies tea. My parents and their neighbours have developed this most excellent coping strategy and it works very well for all concerned :o

GranToAirMissiles · 22/08/2012 21:20

Jicky, there's no public transport on Boxing Day.

Mrsjay · 22/08/2012 21:33

purple go granny Grin

PurplePidjin · 22/08/2012 21:58

Yep, she's pretty cool from a distance :o

Mrsjay · 22/08/2012 22:00

I had a neighbour she died at 100 she was going to her daughters and the casinos in vegas up until she was 92

oopsi · 22/08/2012 22:01

of course you have to invite her.

HermioneE · 22/08/2012 22:12

Can't you go to her? Then it's easier to set the 3-4 day limit, if it's you doing all the travelling and not her.

I sympathise, DH and I would love a Christmas to ourselves, but I fear it will never happen Sad

exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 22:14

You can't say that to an over 80 yr old, purple. It isn't your idea of heaven if you have most of the year on your own. The mistake has not been just letting her fit in with you when she does come.