AIBU to not invite my elderly mother to stay at Xmas?

[axure]

My mother was widowed 3 years ago, she has since stayed with us over Xmas and New Year, but I can't face it again this year. I'm an OC so she will be on her own if she doesn't come here, and makes a point of telling me how miserable she will be. She has to travel by air and gets very tired, so likes to stay for the whole holiday and I end up waiting on her hand and foot, and can't get out to visit friends etc as she sulks if left alone. DH is very patient but I know he dreads Xmas as I feel under pressure to please my demanding mother and I'm crabby with him. I know I'm too soft and should get a thicker skin but it's easier said than done.Any tips?

my mother is a demanding and difficult narc who has farmed me and my brother out to help / boarding schools etc at earliest available but now she's on her own she expects us to be her friends and look after her, however spiteful, horrible & jealous she is to us and however difficult her company is.

Despite this, yes,i WIll continue to invite her to christmas every year because she'll have nowhere else to go otherwise. However - there are ways of diluting. The more people you have, the less her influence will be and the less you'll be able to wait on her - you'll probably find a miraculous increase in her capacity to get her own things. Do you have drop ins in christmas morning? if not, get some! invite the neighbours over for one drink (or drop by theirs ditto). Take her along to things but if she wants to go home, give her the key adn a taxi number. She's family, not a guest so she can be treated as family. She can stay in and watch films and eat quality street til she's blue in the face whiel you take DS ice skating and maybe that way you have something to chat about when you get home. If you stick side by side for days on end, you'll end up loathing any houseguest. If you don't run her bath, she'll manage to do it soon enough.

I think you should stop agonising and do what you want. If you don't invite her then she will obviously be very upset but you'll just have to deal with it. If you need valiation for your decision, then accept that many people will think you are being mean (especially as you do have a relationship with her) and lots of people will think you should fuck her off forever.
Different strokes and all that ....

Validation I mean. Hate it when that happens.

Sorry if people have misunderstood btw. When I said " reap what you so", I meant the OP mother. If we want people to spend time with us we need to be pleasant and friendly.

Nice to see the spirit of Christmas is dead!

Biggest family holiday of the year and you want to leave your elderly widowed mother alone whilst you have a lovely time because she depends on you and stops you going out....

I should imagine you did the exact same for her when you were a child - babies REALLY need waiting on hand and foot, and they nail your social life. She will have done it for you for years - and you don't want to do it for CHRISTMAS?

Shame on you. Seriously.

The OP is doing these things for her own family now. She does not need a perfectly capable adult who wants to be waited on hand and foot ruining her family time.

Tarty you have entirely missed the point of everything the OP has said and subsequent comments. Without wishing to sound like a broken record, did you read the thread?

hmm, rings bells. My mother is 78 and I too am an only child; she usually stays with us for Christmas, but not for new year. She too is quite hard work, but I don't think there's much option really (she didn't come last year because dd2 was 3 weeks old). Try to involve her in things - I find that mine won't offer to help but will happily do things if asked (I think this is generational to an extent). I try to set things up so that I do a couple of things that I know she will enjoy, and include her in other invitations etc. But I do also usually tell her well in advance that (for example) DP and I will be popping out for a Christmas Eve pint. As to going out without her, set her up with a comfy chair, some nice nibbles/drinks and the tv. She'll be fine.

I also think that some of you are a bit harsh on both parties; I doubt she enjoys her visits if she feels unwelcome/unwanted

I understand how you feel op. I've found seeing a counsellor(only a few times) to work through the boundaries issues which really helped. So much gets mixed in to these relationships. Good luck

just to be clear, I completely get where you are coming from - there's a way in which my mother's visit does dominate and take over our time at Christmas as a family - but I can't see it changing and I certainly felt crappy last year when she didn't come even though it was for the best all round

Oh just go away for this holiday and do a xmas thing at hers later on. Or alternate with the other in-laws. Or invite her and the inlaws over together. Anything to break a pattern you're not happy with
We used to only see mil every other year for xmas day and alternated with my parents. Now they live closer so we can see all on the same day. Sometimes we go away for the xmas holiday, usually without the grandparents.

To those who say you should have your mum as she looked after you when you were young and wiped your bottom...the mother chose to have a child and chose to look after her, the OP did not chose to be born and owes her mum nothing. My granny always used to say that as she didn't want people to feel beholden to look after her. I would break the cycle and perhaps make a new one, inlaws for Christmas one year and the mother the next! And then maybe a year on your own.

We used to have mil (now 90) every year. And it was very hard work. Now she alternates with bil every other Christmas. She does not like it, but there is no way I could do every Christmas with her.

The first year she was not coming to us for Christmas, she stopped speaking to us for 4 months. The laughable thing is, that she NEVER had her mil for Christmas, not once even when her mil was elderly and widowed and lived on her own.

It's our year for mil this year. And I am going to chill out and let it flow over me. I have found if I invite someone else (my sister) mil behaves nicer to me, does not scream in my face and is generally easier to get on with.

I am going to be honest. If she is a pita and she may live another 20 yrs she could potentially end up spoiling every childhood Christmas your dc have.

However, it's your decision which is worse denying your self and family of 1 close Christmas just together or offending your mother and spoiling 1 of her last Christmases.

Plan of action- I would take:

1. offer to visit/ go away for the day with her
2. research what her friends are doing/ local groups and see if she wants to go
3. say she can only come for certain dates

I think the mother sounds very manipulative and quite horrible. I would never say to my dc that if they didn't have me over Christmas, I would spend all day in bed. Guilt tripping is not the action of a loving mother and being old does not give one carte blanche to walk all over the wishes of everybody else.

OP, I would break this habit and tell her that you are visiting your ILs this Christmas. I would also scale back on spending half my annual leave with her too. You are a person in your own right and you shouldn't have to constantly sacrifice what you want in order to appease someone else. You also have a duty to your husband to consider his wishes periodically.

I agree with the posters who say that your mother chose to have children - that she met your physical needs is the very least she ought to do. You, otoh, did not choose to be the child of a cantankerous, spoilt woman. The more you give in, the more she will demand. She is selfish and therefore hasn't a leg to stand on if you put what you want ahead of what she wants for a change. she will be reaping what she has sown.

Oh piss off to anyone saying OP is being selfish! You obviously don't have a difficult/toxic parent who drains the life out of you and creates misery - lucky you!

And YY JulieAnn - my children don't owe me anything. I brought them into the world and looked after them because I wanted to. I hope they will love and respect me enough when they are adults to want to see me and even support me in old age - but I certainly won't expect or demand it.

I could and would never have my mother to stay for a long period. She is also on her own. But it's much easier for me as she lives near by so I can talk/text/pop in on her loads but in small doses and generally keep her at arm's length.

I agree with others to have her to stay but completely change your attitude - go and see friends, take the kids out, make her the odd cuppa but say 'food's in the fridge, booze on the side - help yourself to anything at all'.

Consider counselling about your relationship with your mother op. she doesn't sound very nice.

This is one reason why I do not make a big thing about Xmas.
People think it's the highlight of the year.
No it's not.

It's a nightmare for lots of people because of family issues...why be miserable in your own house for a week?

Proudnscary - hear hear!

'She wiped your bum so you have to put up with it' ???? WTF?

In my mind this is not so far away from saying 'He payed the mortgage so you have to put up with it'.

YY fluffy

Hear hear fluffyraggies!

I completely agree and it makes me feel very sad that people on here are making excuses for and enabling emotional abuse just because the perpetrator is elderly, a widow and the victim's mother.

My mil also sometimes spends xmas day on her own in bed, watching the soaps. She's happy enough to do so and turns down other invites from other family members as she doesn't want to spend the day with them feeling like a spare part. I could take that as a passive aggressive emotional blackmail thing but mil is an adult, if she says she's happy enough, and turns down other things, I don't treat her like a child that doesn't know its own mind, I accept her pov and let her get on with it. We do a 'pretend xmas' a few days later usually or a big new year thing

Incidentally tho I'm not surprised she was knackered and wanted to go home before midnight on NYE. I feel like that too

I think at this stage you have to put your own dcs first.Let the be children and have a nice Christmas.
When i had my dcs i stayed home because they are my family.
My mother wasnt happy but what could you do.I put my kids first.

I think at this stage your doomed if you do and your doomed if you dont.
If she comes you need to tell her in advance whats gonna happen if shes not happy with that she needs to find an alternative.

but please - if you are going to change plans that have gone on for a few years - let her know NOW so that she will not be expecting to come and can make alternative arrangements - or she may be expecting that things will be the same this year.. don't just spring it on her mid December..

Thanks for all your advice, doomed if you do and doomed if you don't sums up how I feel. If you've had a domineering mother you know how they can push your buttons. When Dad was alive he would pull her up on it, but she has got away with it since being a widow. I think counselling would be a good idea, something like CBT? Will ask my GP.