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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite my elderly mother to stay at Xmas?

190 replies

axure · 22/08/2012 17:02

My mother was widowed 3 years ago, she has since stayed with us over Xmas and New Year, but I can't face it again this year. I'm an OC so she will be on her own if she doesn't come here, and makes a point of telling me how miserable she will be. She has to travel by air and gets very tired, so likes to stay for the whole holiday and I end up waiting on her hand and foot, and can't get out to visit friends etc as she sulks if left alone. DH is very patient but I know he dreads Xmas as I feel under pressure to please my demanding mother and I'm crabby with him. I know I'm too soft and should get a thicker skin but it's easier said than done.Any tips?

OP posts:
TigerStripe · 22/08/2012 17:29

Gosh, those troublesome widows Hmm

I agree with Narked too Smile I personally just couldn't be happy celebrating Christmas, knowing that I left my elderly, widowed mother alone.

I do think though that your mother needs to do more to make the time she spends with you enjoyable, for all of you. Have a chat with her beforehand and say that you will be doing stuff, she's very welcome to join in, etc., but you have to be able to continue your life and not put it on hold whilst she is staying with you.

Nancy66 · 22/08/2012 17:31

maybe going to her is the answer - it might make her feel really useful to have a house full of people to look after.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 17:32

How 'elderly' is she?

lovebunny · 22/08/2012 17:32

if you don't invite her, you will break her heart.

NarkedRaspberry · 22/08/2012 17:33

I would even invite MIL in these circumstances.

Obviously if she's Rosemary West YANBU.

gotthemoononastick · 22/08/2012 17:37

lynette....what makes you so sure that you will be a lovable/loved old girl,threeDC or not.?Sadly this is the lottery of having children.

Original poster
axure · 22/08/2012 17:37

Thanks for your replies, it does seem mean leaving her alone for Xmas, she's just been with us for a week so I'm feeling a bit worn out, and I'm going away for a holiday with her in October, so I do try my best to spend time with her, just fancy a lazy Xmas this year for a change! If she does come I'll make sure I have other things planned and stick to them. DS also an OC and says he'll have no qualms about leaving me on my own, guilt must be a daughter thing.

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 17:39

She can't be that elderly if she manages the journey alone.

Can't she go out to friends with you? If not invite the friends around to you. Give her jobs to do while she is with you.

TigerStripe · 22/08/2012 17:40

Get so angry with people sometimes. "Thankfully he is now too frail". I wonder if your father is thankful of being so frail too FunnyinlaJardin? It's one thing to not particularly like a family member, it's actually quite distasteful to say that you're thankful for his ill health. Angry

NarkedRaspberry · 22/08/2012 17:43

You don't know her or her life.

glastocat · 22/08/2012 17:48

My late divorced father always spent Xmas alone, I never invited him. He came for two separate weeks in spring and autumn instead, and I would visit him once or twice a year two ( we couldn't stay, his spare bedroom was uninhabitable due to his hoarding). I didn't invite him to my wedding either. He was a difficult man in many ways, utterly lovely in others, but it was only by maintaining some distance that we were able to have a pretty good relationship. I could not have done any more than I did and now he is dead I have had no regrets. Sometimes you just have to protect your own sanity. Not saying this is the case here, but it is not always the case that you will regret it etc etc. or perhaps I'm just a heard faced cow. Grin

Original poster
axure · 22/08/2012 17:53

She's 81, but in good health generally, so may live another 10-20 years, am I expected to spend every Xmas with her until she dies? I'd like to think that if I was a widow I'd say to DS "I'll be alright on my own this year". But my Mum says "If I don't come I'll just stay in bed all day, and won't bother cooking anything" so obviously makes me feel like shit for even considering not inviting her.

OP posts:
squoosh · 22/08/2012 17:55

You say that but you can't know now how lonely you'll feel if/when you are an elderly widow living a flight away from your only child.

I agree with the advice to gently tell her that family life will be continuing as normal and she'll be expected to fit in with everyone else.

You have my sympathies though as she does sound very high maintenance.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 17:59

If she is 81yrs I would invite her. However I would stop waiting on her and treat her like part of the family. Tell her in advance-get her a nice film or treat if you go out and leave her.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2012 18:00

Sorry-stop waiting on her all the time.

juneau · 22/08/2012 18:02

Oh, how miserable for you! Both of what I'd suggest have already been suggested, namely invite her for 3-4 days only (go away yourself for New Year's perhaps to pre-empt her staying longer?), or make it clear when you invite her that you have social plans that you intend to keep and that you won't be home with her all day, every day. If she complains about it, tell her she's welcome to make plans to go elsewhere!

ClaireRacing · 22/08/2012 18:02

OP, you have the other 52 weeks of the year to do as you please. Surely you can humour your widowed mother for this very short time. Think of all the things she has done for you.

honeytea · 22/08/2012 18:03

she is your mum, I'm sure she has spent lots of christmas times with you as a small child making it special for you. It's only a week or 2 a year I really think you should invite her despit her difficult nature.

Annunziata · 22/08/2012 18:04

Christmas is for family, how upsetting that you can go on holiday with your mum but you can't be bothered with her on Christmas day! I can't believe your DS said he would leave you alone too!

NarkedRaspberry · 22/08/2012 18:04

'Am I expected to spend every Xmas with her until she dies?'

That's up to you. I couldn't knowingly let a relative spend Christmas alone when they wanted my company. It would make me miserable. To me, family is what Christmas is about. I don't do religion so it's not that, it's more that I'd imagine it's a very hard time to be alone. Christmas without family is an overly fussy Sunday lunch.

Mrsjay · 22/08/2012 18:06

Invite her she has nobody else but make plans to go out and see friends and let her moan at you, she will be fine if you pop out for a few hours, I know it must be difficult but dont leave her alone, does she really have to stay for that long

charlieandlola · 22/08/2012 18:06

how far does she have to come to visit you ? Undertaking a flight at age 81, and being chucked out after 2 nights Hmm
Do you know any of her friends so you can organise an alternative christmas for her next year, to give you the year off ?
She does sound a bit toxic, but you only get one mum !

Mrsjay · 22/08/2012 18:11

OP i am sure when you are older and your son leaves you on your own to be with his family at christmas pound to a penny you will be lonely

missalarmclockhater · 22/08/2012 18:13

charlieandlola have you ever had to spend christmas with friends, and not family? It's really miserable, you get in the way of their tradtional christmas!

jicky · 22/08/2012 18:13

How old is your ds? Is he in any sort of carol services/plays in the run up to Christmas ? If so could she come to that, stay for Christmas day and then leave on boxing day?

That way you get time with her and alone as a family.