To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

My typing was too slow... OP, hold on to that rational part of you; you are not being unreasonable in even the tiniest way.

And listen to CouthyMow!

Put it this way my dc is nearly 13 he's just realised how much his dad earns (about the same as your ex but no additional kids) and that he only pays a fiver a week he came back in tears the other week as he felt worthless when he watched his dad fork out cash for another new Beamer but dad had told him he could only afford a fiver towards his upkeep.
Shit like that does have a long lasting effect

OMFG, this cunt has done such a number on you, I can't bear it for you!!

Listen, whatever you do will make fuck all difference to his attitude to his DS - if he can't be a grown up about it now, then he never will. All that will happen if you back down on the CSA claim is that he will think "Ha, that told her, stupid cow - now I can just relax and never worry about her or the boy again".

So NO, DON'T back down. LET the CSA take him down then you can give your DS the things he deserves, even if he doesn't get a relationship with the sperm donor who begat him (and quite frankly it sounds like he'd be better off without the cunt, sorry)

Bleugh, he makes me sick to my stomach. Your poor DS, I hate that people can be so fucking callous to little children. :(

TAKE THE MONEY, PLEASE - it will make no difference in terms of your DS seeing his sperm donor. None.

Just saw your last post OP. Does this guy thing you got pregnant on your own ffs?!

He does sound generally deluded though.

Magic
Your post about your little boy pleading to see his dad just made me cry. Poor little lad.

No matter the circumstances of your son's conception, your ex has a responsibility to him. If he won't step up and be a father to his son, then he should at least provide financial assistance.

Don't back down and don't allow him to make it all about him. It is all about your son and what is best for him.

MagicLlamaStrikesBack

Maintenance and contact are separate issues for very good reasons.

The whys and wherefores about contraceptive failure are academic and in the past. There is a little boy who wants to know his daddy, and a daddy who isn't living up to his responsibilities in any shape or form.

You will not be the one closing the door by seeking CM through the CSA. There is only one person who can make the father / son relationship happen and that is this doctor. It has nothing at all to do with CSA, it has nothing to do with what you do or don't do, it has nothing to do with the weather, fish, holidays, cars, houses.

It has everything to do with a selfish individual who enjoys 5 holidays a year. He is solely responsible for the situation between him and his son. Him alone. Just him. Not you. Not your son.

You could spend your whole life thinking 'what if I'd have done this, or this, or this...' , but other than facilitating any access request there is nothing you can do because you are not him.

All you can do is make it clear that you will be accommodative in respect to allowing access. Do so in such a form that you can show your ds if ever the subject comes up in the future.

The amount he earns is an irrelevance. That is why CM is a percentage of earnings, to make it fair.

It's also a fact that CM and contact are not linked per se.

He is just slapping you with a monster amount of emotional blackmail. Ignore it and continue with your claim. Trust me you're far from a money grabbing cow. I should know,the ex is one!

By not claiming the money via the CSA you are enabling ex to forget that his son even exists- he can ignore the issue of you and DS, he can spend his (frankly huge) salary on holidays and women and fish, he can wipe you and DS from his personal history.

As soon as he starts paying the money for the things your son needs and would otherwise miss out on, it becomes a constant reminder. His son is still there. His son has needs- food, shelter, education, clothing, etc- and eventually it might sink in that his son needs love too, and that might come in time if he starts building a relationship.

My ExH lost his job and stopped paying maintenance for our dd. It was just one of those things, you lose your job then obv you can't pay. I didn't go through the CSA because I didn't want to take £5 a week off the poor man when he was down on his luck.

He came to see DD every 5/6 weeks, couldn't afford to do it more often due to petrol costs. Difficult trying to explain to DD, but I explained he'd come more once he found a job etc etc. This went on for about 9 months.

I found out through a comment on FB (classy), that actually he had found another job, he'd just neglected to tell me or dd. In fact, he hid it so as to not have to pay, even talking all the time about how hard he was trying

I went to the CSA and now he pays, although he's just been made redundant again (about 5th time in 5 years, sigh), and he still doesn't come up more than once every 4 weeks. Was tricky explaining that to dd 'But Mummy you said he'd come more when he had a job and could afford petrol' 'ermmmm yes, dd' 'But he isn't. Why isn't he Mummy?' And he's a solicitor, not exactly a low income job.

All this ^ is to try to say that some people are just selfish cunts. Go to the CSA. The money is to give your son a better life, there is no reason you should feel guilty at all.

OP that man is an absolute cunt of the highest order. Your poor DS.

Take the money.

If a father really wants to see his child, then very little will stop them, and certainly not being asked to pay a small portion of their income to pay for their childs upbringing.

All the evidence tells you he won't suddenly become a dad to your ds, money or no money. He has greater fish to fry.

Take the £375 for your ds and use it to give him a better life. It won't make up for not his dad choosing not to be in his life but it would give ds some of the opportunities that are currently denied him by his absence. Am for your ds and it must be hard to find the right words to comfort him.

MagicLlama You will get a letter from the CSA with a breakdown of his net income and what % he should pay for however many children he has.

I've also recently made a call to the CSA, in my case the knobhead has to pay 25% for his four children, (one of them mine) and I do not feel one bit guilty, after contributing £30 in eighteen months I think its time he was reminded that babies cost money.

I also don't "need'' the money, im by no means loaded but i work and get some tax credits so my child won't go without food or clothes or treats, but this arsewipe has taken the piss for too long, so the grand sum of £24pw he will have to pay will go into an account for my little chap and I will think no more about it, sod feeling guilty

"I can "survive" without the money, but it would do extras e.g DS wants to learn the keyboard, which at £12 for 30 min lesson isnt something I can fund for him - this would let me do that. But then its not essential is it?"

OP I am getting almost as angry with you as with your XP. This greedy, selfish and well-off man is denying the boy his rightful access to things like music lessons, and yet you are making excuses for him? WTF ????

As your son gets older he will need more and more things like this. He may go to uni and will have to borrow thousands to fund his degree, and yet you can't decide whether to deprive him of what is rightfully his? WTdoubleF ????

Seriously OP you really need to get your priorities straight. Your responsibility is to your son, not to the man who has denied him emotional and financial support.

URBbloodyU.

Your post about your poor little DS crying to see his father made me cry too.

I agree that the constant payment reminder might make him think about his son. By letting him take no responsibility you are letting him forget him.

Perhaps think of it like this. If you dont take the money, you are taking opportunities (the keyboard lessons for one) away from your son and giving them to your ex. In other words you are prioritising your ex's needs and worries and preferences over your Ds's dreams.

(I hope that doesnt sound horrible, its not meant to be, its just a way of thinking about what is fair).

Sallyingforth - cross posted, obviously we are seeing it the same way

Indeed Lamzig. I'm just not as polite as you.

take the money.

Use half to fund the luxuries for your son.
Save the other half in a fabulous savings account to either pay for an occasional holiday, or to save for his uni fees in the future.

Do not feel one ounce of guilt if you use the money to benefit your son.

He has already indicated he wants nothing to do with your child, so leave it at that. Take the money.

I am practicing reigning it in

OP, You say that all you ever wanted was for your XP to have a relationship with your DS. By being accommodating, as you have been until you rang the CSA, has it encouraged him to build a relationship with his DS?
No.

Personally, my feeling is that he'll be more inclined to try to build a relationship with DS if you make him take responsibility and pay maintenance, so I would forge ahead with this.

Your XP had a choice. See his DS, build a relationship with him, and you would have been more relaxed about maintenance. He chose not to build a relationship with DS, and now you want the bare minimum...maintenance. He cannot complain. He has been offered a choice very few father's are offered. If he truly could not afford to pay (and clearly he can afford it, probably loose change to him) he should have built up a relationship with DS.

Anyway, enough of my ramblings lol.

My guess is once he is made to pay, he will be much more likely to see and build a relationship with DS, because lets face it, who wants to pay to support a person they never see, hear from, or interact with??

For your XP, I'd imagine paying and not seeing DS would be akin to watching a little bit of his money vanish every month for the grand total of nothing in return, and from what you've said, your XP doesn't sound like the charitable type. He will probably want to receive something back for his money, and that something, the only thing on offer, is a relationship with his DS.

If you still decide to back down, you do realise he will lose all respect for you and DS, and will probably be silently cheering at his good fortune to have had a child with someone who is going to play entirely by his rules all of the time.

Your DS deserves this money. He deserves to be acknowledged by your XP, even if it is only financially.

So sad for your DS being denied a relationship by your XP. Please don't take away the last remaining pennies your DS is entitled to, because you feel sorry for your XP. He doesn't deserve your empathy.

Take the money. Why should he get away with it.

I'm currently waiting for the CSA to tell me how much maintenance my ex has to pay. I
too have been told how harsh I am and how he skint he is.

Poor him.

YOU ARE NOT CLOSING ANY DOORS.

You have held the doors open, begging him to come in, for years. He has slammed them shut over and over.

Why cant you see that? Going to the CSA wont make it worse, it cant GET any worse. The only thing it might do is show him up as the prick he is with his fiancee and family if he says that he definitely wont see your DS again after you demanded maintenance.

Stick with the CSA, you backing down wont make him see your DS but it will get him off the hook and you back to having to say no to a £12 lesson for your son.

Don't do it for you.

Don't not do it for Ex.

Do it for your son.

Your son is the one missing out re contact . Don't compound this misfortune by making him miss out on the activities and luxuries that his fathers money may buy. The fact that you may inadvertently benefit too, is irrelevant.

Right, well I text him and said that DS is my priorty, so I will be continuing with the CSA claim, and that if he changes his mind about contact with DS, or his family want contact with DS they know where we are and they will always be welcome to get in touch.

This is his repsonse:

Are you serious? Have you no compassion? This will ruin my life, as I will be left with almost no money to live off. I understand DS is your priority but 12 years is a long time to have nothing at all. Im going through the worst time of my life and all the problems seem to stem to when you first knocked on my door. Partner is leaving me, and I will be paying the mortgage on my own, the CSA payments on top will finish me off. Do you not care what you are about to do to me? We used to be friends. Are you really going to do this? You will destroy my life.

OP I've seen better things come steaming out the back end of a cow.

If you fall for this you are a fucking idiot. Sorry, but there it is.

Are you serious?

Yes.

If you need to send an answer that's all it should be!