To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

Your reply is:
You have wandered through life spreading your seed without fear, favour or responsibility. Time to grow up, boy.
Oh, and he's probably lying about his parnter leaving him, and he's certainly lying about losing his house etc.

You are right, I need to just let the guilt wash over me.

I need to focus on the financial advantages I am stealing from DS by not pursuing the CSA.

Instead I focus on the potential relationship that he might possibly hopefully have with his dad one day in the future. His father is stealing that from him.

Not me, not my choices

What Sparks1 said.

repeats back to herself as some sort of chant

Eh, you used to be friends but he's still your DS's Dad, time he grew up and started acting like it.

If you took the money and saved it for him, your son would have 54K + interest by the time he's eighteen. I'm sure he'd rather have the father figure like, but if he's not going to have that emotional support it might be as well making sure he's looked after financially.

Take the money and don't look back. Your son is entitled to every penny.
And he's obviously an absolute twat and is completely undeserving of any sympathy whatsoever.

Don't fall for his bullshit. He's assuming that you are so soft hearted you will feel sorry for him and retract your claim. Don't do it.

Isn't it 20% of his pay? He is on a fair whack then. Too bloody bad if he can't manage on it.

If he seriously thinks he is going to be left with 'no money to live on' then what the fuck is he spending all his cash on?

Don't be fooled into thinking that this is your problem. It isn't.

Wow. Despite what he says, I think that if you do make him pay child maintenance, it will increase his chances of eventually spending time with your DS. At the moment he can just forget that he has a son in the world. If the money actually comes out of his pay every month, he will have a monthly reminder of the fact he is a dad.

Also, he's not seeing his child now, so you have nothing to lose.

"I suspect your partner is leaving you because you are a miserable whinyarse who thinks all his problems are everyone else's fault. And if you no longer have to support her child, that means you can support your own."

Craic how much! I just spat my tea out.

This is where I wobble. It seems an obscene amount of money to take, but thats his uni costs isnt it. Or a better life with more oppourtunities on a day to day basis.

DS would, and I would rather DS had, the father involvement, but thats his choice not mine. If I could make him spend time with DS I would but thats not my choice

What a wanker.

What does he mean by 12 years?

I would reply, 'Yes. I am serious', as Sparks suggested.

He is trying to shift the blame onto you for any problems that he has in his life.

Now you are talking sense OP. Well done!

This payment is only £4.5k a year. It's a trifle to someone on his salary. He'll hardly notice it, and it will certainly not make or break his mortgage unless he's overextended his loan as much as he did his prick. In both cases he has no-one to blame except himself.
The guilt should be his, not yours.

Don't listen to him. Listen to those who have explained how CSA is calculated.

He goes on 5 holidays a year. He probably spends over £300 on wine when he is on holiday.

I suspect if his partner is leaving him, it's because he's a whiny man child who doesn't take responsibility for his actions. But I could be wrong...

I'm not though.

Isn't it 20% of his pay?

It's only 10%

MissMowgi

He has other children, who I understand are already claiming through the CSA because they are not daft as me

He has 2 kids who live in Scotland with his ex-wife, and another child who is localish but is older, I think late high school who has opted not to see him.

His partner also has a child (not his) who lives with them.

Maybe I should text him back, good my maintenance will go up then

£54k over 12 years isnt even 1 years worth of his salary, it is not obscene at all!

OP you are doing what is right for your son. Don't let the guilt trip work.

My DD's bio father never paid a penny, the door was open for access, he didn't want to know unless forced to by his mother, he has spent more time and energy forming relationships with GFs DC and friends Dc than his own, she is 20 now she's seen him for what he is ( a waste of oxygen ) and has decided that she will be making no more attempts at a relationship.
Although he will have a life filled with fancy cars and houses he will end up only enjoying his own sorry company

Regardless of the circumstances of his conception, or your motivation for calling the CSA, your son deserves financial support from his father. It's as simple as that really.

My ex pays sod all for our son. I've been through the CSA and he ducked and dodged them for a couple of years, then when they caught up with him and demanded 40% of his net income to cover the arrears, he quit his job and hasn't worked since (coming up for a year now since he stopped working). How and why his wife puts up with it, I'll never know. He's also a waste of space about keeping up contact with DS and lays on the sob stories if I confront him.

This is money your son is entitled to. You are not doing anything wrong and you are not closing any doors.
This money will enable you to give your DS more opportunities to have extra lessons etc - you mustn't turn down those chances for your DS, just because your Ex is trying on a bit of emotional blackmail!

Maybe I should text him back,

To what end? To have to read more self pitying crap. I really,really wouldn't bother....

It's only 10%
after deduction of his generous pension contributions.

Given how good his fiancee was about a previously unknown (to her) child coming into her life and the fuss she and his family made when he tried to drop DS, i wonder if she is dumping him because she sees him for what he is, and doesnt want to be another name on his CSA assessment.

Its best if I just ignore the text isnt it? Replying will only invite a further reply from him which will make me feel guilty again.

Ignore ignore ignore