To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

Even after paying maintenance for 4 different DC's, this twatbag will be left with £84,706 - £18,000 a year.

That means he will be left with £66,706 a year. Hardly destitute...

I'm sorry, OP, but after doing the maths, I am going to have to leave this thread before I self-combust in anger at how selfish and whiny and petulant this sorry excuse for a human being that passes as your Ex is. I am actually sat here with steam coming out of my ears at how he has got you questioning whether you should continue with your CSA claim.

If MN shuts down, it will be the flames of anger emanating from me towards this absolute shitbag that has caused it...

OP take the money, but I'm guessing already kow that

Take the money

It is your sons money therefore it would be up to him to refuse it, not you. You should collect it on his behalf, any you dont use towards looking after your son put in a bank account. When your son is 21 he can choose to donate it to charity if he so wishes.

Also, CSA are pretty shite, so athough you have been awarded this £375 it doesnt mean you will actually receive it, they tend to stop and start, suspend it, pay you some arrears, suspend it again, get three payments in a week then nothing for 6 months...... get the idea?

Take the money, dont depend on it, use what you need, save the rest for your son and dont even contemplate one iota of guilt henceforth!

couthymow out of intrest and just to further support op with this differcult obligation, if he hadn't have choosen to live with his gf and hers kids (I'm guessing it's 2) how much would he be expected to pay?

And any chance you could phone the csa for me as your clearly much better at it than I am

What sort of fish has he got, killer whales?

If times get too hard he can always eat them.

I'd be tempted to text back: "Ruined your life? Do you mean the sort of ruining your life that comes from growing up knowing your own father can't be bothered to see you and even thinks his fish are more important than you are? Oh no, I see you didn't mean that sort of ruining your life. You mean the "supporting your own children" sort of ruining your life. Which to normal people isn't "ruining your life" but "meeting your responsibilities like an adult.""

Pay for your child or your dog?
Pay for your child or the gym?

Don't back down. It is his sone as well as yours, he has to pay.

See I know I should just go ahead and do it. Fuck him and so on, but then the little voice says but what about DS.

I can "survive" without the money, but it would do extras e.g DS wants to learn the keyboard, which at £12 for 30 min lesson isnt something I can fund for him - this would let me do that. But then its not essential is it?

Couthy Those sums seem manic! Its an amount of money I cant even get my head around!

The problem comes that he wants his lifestyle, with he 4/5 holidays abroad each year, his big house, his flash cars, his pedigree dog, his gym and personal trainer, his fucking fish! I dont begrudge him them, I assume he works hard for his money, and hers had to put the time in training etc, but he just pushes my guilt strings.

Its all I ruined his life, I got pregnant, Im trying to make him deal with stuff hes not ready to deal with. When I told him what about DS, what do I say to a 6 year old who wants to ring his dad, who when I finally have to tell him his dad wont be seeing him again, starts crying, and saying please just ask him, ill be better behaved, he has to come again he promised hes going to teach me to be the best footballer in the world. What about that? Well thats just me "pressuring him again" I need to give him time to deal with this. Hed put DS to the backburner because I left him alone when he first didnt want to know, and he assumed Id raise DS myself and he might find him when he was an adult, yet here I was 10 years early!

I get so angry, because he cant even ask how DS is in his messages, its all woe is me, but then, I feel I am to blame. I continued with the pregnancy, he had no choice in it.

Arrgghh no I need to stop it. He can fuck off. Hes a cunt.

I'm out right now, sock, but I can work it out for you later, I'll PM you. Comes through dealing with the CSA and responsibility-shirking Ex's for nearly a decade and a half...

My head is actually on the verge of exploding not at you op I feel extreamly protective of you even tho I don't know you

have you ever heard the phrase oxygen thief? I'm very sorry to have to tell you this if you didn't know but I'm afraid several years ago you slept with one

WRT to DS I foolishly still hold this mythical hope that he will think ahhh yes my son and then want to see him and I dont want to feel like ive done anything to make that harder IYSWIM?

I dont want him to sat well stuff was/is so difficult with your mum that I just couldnt see you.

I dont want to feel that ive ramped up hostility so much that he holds it against DS.

I know hes managed to make me feel that if he walks away from DS forever it is my fault because of "what ive done". It shouldnt be because it would be his choice, yet thats still how I feel.

Yep, he's a cunt. Every time you have a wobble about your CSA claim, take a look at those figures and refuse to be guilt tripped. You may never be able to get him to emotionally support your DS, but you can sure as fuck get him to financially support him!

Take the money, pay for the keyboard lessons, and any other activities your DS wants to do! Why SHOULDN'T your DS have the opportunities like this, his father must earn £90k+ before his pension payments. Why shouldn't your DS benefit from a very small amount of his income?

IMO making him pay might make him more likely to see you DS as forking out the cash will be a constant reminder & he may eventually feel that since he's spending all that money anyway, he may as well get something out of it!

And don't feel guilty, as a doctor, he presumably has a working knowledge of biology.

It DID take my DD's father 12 whole years to acknowledge her existence - financially OR emotionally. Now though, 2 1/2 years down the line, he is a good dad.

God knows why it took HIM 12 years more than me to grow the fuck up, but sometimes it DOES happen!

Op take the fucking money if you can't afford a £12 treat once a week then you are struggleing why should your son go without whilst his deadbeat dad swans around in a posh car with a posh dog and a personal trainer that probally walks his fucking shark for him. Who cares if it's fucking essential I bet his dad never had to think if his poxy dog was a essential or his gym or anything else he never has to concider,
I bet his dad never had to think oh no if I spend £12 on this then I can't afford my water bill/food or any other essential

I never thought I would say this but op man up don't let him manipulate you any more and cheer your son up by taking the cash and buy him his music lessons

Couthy Hes 45. Im 30. He was a friend of my older brothers.

Hes never going to grow up is he. I just hate the thought that hes there looking after his fiancees kids, but wont do the same for DS. I dont even want him to have him loads if he doesnt want to. I just want DS to know him. DS has him on a pedastal and I hate that I cant make this better for him.

Thats what holds me in this vice of indecision. What if by going to the CSA I close that door for DS forever. The rational part of me knows im being stupid, that its not unreasonable for him to pay, (even AIBU agrees with me) I just keep thinking what if.

I need a slap.

Even if he DOES say that stuff, your DS will see everything YOU have done for him over the years, and he will know the truth.

Dress it up as his dad is too busy right now being a doctor to see him, but when he isn't busy any more, he can come and see your DS at any time.

That way you aren't bad mouthing the utter twat his father, but you are also gently letting your DS know that his father is able to come and see him when his father wants to, you aren't stopping him, and in the end, he will make his own decision about what a wanker his father is.

Take the money. Stick it in a savings account, take out some for extras and then give the rest to your son when he goes to uni/whatever.

socking You are right. Its not like hes on the breadline, im not stealing money from his mouth only that of his fish.

"What if by going to the CSA I close that door for DS forever"

The door can only be closed by your DSs father. It won't be your fault.

OP, your latest post makes my heart break for your little boy. I don't think I've ever said anything like this before on MN, but your ex sounds like a foul excuse for a human being.

Take the money, buy the extras for your DS, have a holiday, save some of it if you can or wish to. Do whatever you (and DS) want with it. Don't depend on the money too much, though - your ex will clearly try to get out of paying if he can (fair means or foul?); might even decamp abroad; who knows?

I really hope your ex will get some kind of revelation about what an arse he is being and will reinstate contact with your son.

Best of luck, OP. And whatever the ex says, do NOT feel you are to blame for any of this.

You are not closing any doors your actually opening one fucking wide to help him walk through it.
It's much easyer to see a kid that you pay towards it's less guilt that way

SLAP.

There you go, slap duly given.

If your Ex decides not to see his son because he is being made to be financially responsible for him, then that is NOT because you went to the CSA, BUT BECAUSE HE IS A SELFISH CUNT!

I dont want him to say well stuff was/is so difficult with your mum that I just couldnt see you.

MagicLlama, I think you need to be prepared for the very real likelihood that whatever you do, the useless infantile selfish twat your ex will still end up saying that (or similar) to your DS. You could offer to drive DS over to him whenever he wants and to whisk DS away again the moment this pathetic excuse for a man gets bored, and he'll still not be bothered to see your DS and and he'll still blame you.

It doesn't make it your fault. It's just another example of how he is utterly morally bankrupt and pathologically incapable of taking responsibility for his own choices.

So as he's going to blame you anyway no matter what you do, why not let him blame you while you're getting an extra four and a half grand in the bank every year?

Not suprised his partner is leaving him now she has seen how he treats his own flesh and blood. You have have done her a huge favour.

Wonder if he has a string of children for which he has no responsibilities.

Take the money and use it for all the extras that your son might not have had. Use it for the babysitters/childcare you pay because you are bringing up your son singlehandedly. Or put a little aside every month for university fees or similar.