To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

Is'nt it quite strange that a women who has no wish for a child gets caught out after a fling but can adopt out the baby and never have to pay a thing for it. Yet a man who has no wish for a baby again from a fling with a women ends up having to pay out for that child when he has made it clear he does not want to raise it.

Strange in a way surely.
Women are just as bad for having children who were not wanted from the male side may I say.
Do not have flings with random men maybe that will solve it. :)

Nothing men aren't the only people who have to pay to support children, regardless of whether they used coontraception. Do you think women get special forms entitling them to full government support if they can tick a box saying "contraceptive failure"?

eternal

i have very much tried to keep it about the op's suituation and supportive towards her but for some reason a few posters seam determined to make it about something compleatly different with what ifs and buts that are not even in relation to the ops circumstances

Quite right, optimist.
The OP should know that it would be wrong for her to deny the child his rightful financial support from his father who can in this case well afford it.

If others want to discuss the more general question of whether absent parents should pay for their children or leave it to the state to pay for them, they should discuss it elsewhere.

A man should never enter into a sexual relationship with the attitude that if "the worst" happens she can always have an abortion.

The decision of pregnancy or no pregnancy is his right up until his sperm leaves his body, After that it's her body and he will have to be responsible for his original choice.

Doesn't matter if it's an oft-broken rule. It's a rule. Just the same as if you have an affair you know you could ruin your life and pay for it severely, yet it doesn't stop people doing it. Just because something is common, doesn't make it ok.

Pretty sure there was a reason the pill was invented though

Surely a Doctor should know it isn't 100% safe, No?

It's such a nonsensensical idea this argument about women having choices and fathers none.

You make the choice to potentially be a parent every time you have sex. Obviously people try to minimise that risk significantly unless they do want to have children, and I do have sympathy for those who took this approach and still ended up with an unwanted pregnancy. However, in no way whatsoever does that absolve them of their responsibilities. Just in the same way that a careful driver with an excellent track record can cause an accident through a tiny lapse of concentration and I can feel sympathy for them but that doesn't mean they shouldn't pay the other person's costs.

By the same token, what about a couple who decided to have children and then find out they're having twins. If the father said he only wanted one, does he get to say he'll only love and support one? Of course not; that's absurd.

In fact, it's about as absurd as thinking that it's ok to have sex without using any personal form of contraception and then being angry that you're being asked to support the child resulting from that liaison.

OP: if you're still here, and I hope you're not!, your child is legally and morally entitled. Let the CSA handle it. Please.

Music lessons it is!

A mother can only give a child up for adoption if the father doesn't want the child as well, if not then he can choose to have the child under his care. Also if a woman chooses not to be a part of a child's life but the father does then she has to pay him child maintenance. What is unfair about that? Completely equal.
If both parents give a child up for adoption then they both relinquish complete responsibility but if they decide to keep it then they are both financially responsible. This is not in the favour of women. Its women who get screwed as they are almost always the ones who actually child rear and pay almost all of the costs for the child. Most men just have them for play time once a week and pay a tiny amount of cm. it benefits men much more...

Please can we just leave this thread to die and take the argument elsewhere

Those posting in support of the OP - she is (hopefully) long gone and no longer reading. It does no good to continue the argument with those of opposing views (note how well I am staying within the guidelines and not calling them names that are going through my head, you can IMAGINE them though).

Lets all have a big glass of and some

Echoing Jessie.

I'm so sorry it has turned into. I hope you know that most of us are just trying to defend you.

I'm very much like you IRL. I hate upsetting people and put myself out to avoid doing so but right now you are doing the right thing for your son and I really admire you.

Again, You are a great mum. :)

I am on the pill, we use condoms and my partner pulls out. You know why? Because this isn't the right time for us to have a child and he respects me enough not to see me as a seminal spittoon. However contraception can fail but I know he would support me if I did fall pregnant and would pay for his child and give 50/50 care whether we remained a couple or not. If i didn't know that I wouldn't be having penetrative sex with him.
My partner is 23 year old comedian, but he is more responsible than a 40 year old doctor . This is how men should treat women! He respects my body enough not to get me having an unwanted pregnancy just so he can have an orgasm! This should be the norm! Stop justifying the actions of selfish immature little men!

sunshine...women carry the baby....grow the baby....therefore they get mmore choice. That is the crux.

This thread was a real clusterfuck to read. I'm actually a little disgusted.

OP, if you are still reading, please do what is best for your son. No one else matters in this situation, not your ex's fish, nor your guilt.

OP, if you are still reading and feeling guilty. The CSA want £375 per month. Your child is 7. So from 7 to 18 Dr Arse will pay £49,500. But he's not paid a penny for the first 7 years so that's £31,500 you've never asked for nor, will be able to claim in arrears. So you've given him a big discount. Enough to keep his goldfish in food.

OP, really hope you put in the claim. It's not for you, it's for your son, even if the initial impetus was an emotional reaction. It will help with your son's upbringing and like others have said won't impact that much financially on him, actually I'm surprised he's banging on about all this fish shit.

It's not an ideal situation but I do hope you can become more detached and logical about it and think only of the future benefits from an agreed CSA arrangement.

I did think maybe that you might have some feelings for him still, or it might be just regrets that things didn't happen as they might have done.

OP, I have been thinking about this thread.

When your son said that he would be better behaved etc if his dad would see him, this was a result of his so-called father's manipulation.

You are doing exactly the same thing: 'I will call off the CSA if he will maybe consider seeing my son'.

You can see it when your son does it, but when you allow yourself to be manipulated, you can't.

You will not ruin this man's life. At most, he will have to modify his lifestyle very slightly. I don't think his fish will starve.

I know people like this. The only way to deal with them is to stand up to them; if you don't they will ride roughshod over you whenever they feel like. If you stand firm, he is more likely to respect you and possibly see eventually show some interest in your son.

Also, if he pays: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Effort_justification

You are making everything too easy, so he doesn't care. This man is a cock, and treating him like a pleasant person won't help anyone.