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Original poster

To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

618 replies

MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 17/07/2012 10:36

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

OP posts:
catsmother · 18/07/2012 11:27

Magic ... none of us can TELL you what to do, we can only advise, but if I were you I'd tread very very carefully, and I wouldn't send him a message like the one you've just outlined.

I don't want to upset or offend you but reading that through you're doing both yourself and your son (potentially) a disservice and perhaps playing into his hands too if he's in full victim mode ATM. Saying as he won't get involved practically he can get involved financially does rather suggest that a) you're involving the CSA out of spite (NOT that that alters what your son is entitled to but it does give him ammunition to attack you) and b) perhaps if he sees him you'll drop the CSA ..... which could lead to empty promises and years of DS having his hopes raised and dashed - after all, his track record so far re: contact is crap isn't it. Asking him to "make you an offer" also means that you're giving credence to his claims of "ruining his life" and again, puts him in control. Not only could DS end up with less than he's entitled to (remember saving for uni, house deposit etc even if you don't strictly speaking "need" it right now) but chances are he could muck you about with late payments, missed payments, reduced payments on the most spurious of excuses. Voluntary agreements can work .... I had one with my ex for 14 years ..... but then there was no history of acrimony and ultimately, if he had mucked me about I would have had no choice but to go the CSA anyway. This man has form for "mucking about" - to put it mildly - and I fear that if you agree to some or other offer - which is bound to benefit him - you will forever be on the back foot and probably putting off the inevitable (CSA).

Oh ..... and please please don't say you don't want to ruin his life. Don't justify yourself or give any reference to that ridiculous claim - treat it with the contempt it deserves by utterly ignoring it. As soon as you apologise (in effect) for what you're doing you become weak in his eyes ... you'll be "that money grabbing bitch" he'll moan about to friends and family. If you show any sign you might agree with his pathetic plea he then avoids having to think about his own actions and attitude, which is long overdue ... and though I think it's very unlikely he'll ever do so as he sounds so arrogant and selfish, he'll definitely never do so if you show any signs that he might be right in thinking you're unreasonable.

Remember you're not some stereoptypical gold-digger ..... you're asking for the legal minimum for your son. You're not after "extra", you're not after a house, or maintenance for yourself (and yes, before anyone says, I know they weren't married but believe me, when a high earner is involved, regrettably some women do nonetheless try to get something for themselves).

24HourPARDyPerson · 18/07/2012 11:27

magicLlama if he does resent your DS for that well, no1, he's a wanker and your DS is better off without him, and 2, what's changed? He already has no time for him.

You have to decide what is more important £375 for your son's future (which is his entitlement) or £375 for Dr Arse's special arse cream for fishes or whatever he spends it on.

All parents owe their children support. Dr Arse is no exception.

And you were right upthread. Whatever that tosser or anyone else thinks of you is NOTHING in comparison to providing the best for your son.

I'm sure when he was born you looked at DS and though 'I will do anything for you, to give you a good happy life.'

In truth you are getting away very lightly. All you have to do to immeasurably improve your son's life and prospects is to risk a bit of bad mouthing by a twat.

DontmindifIdo · 18/07/2012 11:28

you are not ruining his life! You are just expecting him to pay a small percentage of his income towards feeding and clothing his son. Not you, not someone else's child, his son.

He can afford this, he might have to make a small adjustment to his spending habits, but just a small percentage of a large income, he's not goign to be cutting back on heating in winter or moving to value meat - unless he wants to spend his disposable income on something else, which will be his choice.

I'd like a porche, if I bought one I couldn't afford to pay my mortgage, I don't whinge that it's not fair, I accept that my bills have to be covered and what's left is for fun things. Food for his child is a bill he has to pay, he's lucky he's got away with it for so long.

Schnarkle · 18/07/2012 11:29

You're not going to ruin his life by taking 375 p / month. There's not going to be a disney ending for father and son in this. There's just not, going on what you've said about him. So I wouldn't be worrying about causing a little bit of upset in his life.

All he's worried about is his current shag is talking about leaving him because he's proving himself to be an utter idiot and his fish Hmm

Thumbwitch · 18/07/2012 11:30

Magic - logic really helps. What is letting you down is your "need" to be liked - in this instance, you're already on a hiding into nothing with that, your ex doesn't like you and doesn't want anything to do with your or your DS.

SO - since that's already a given, and the money is only fair for your DS, just take it. Logically it's right. Not taking it will only adversely affect your DS. Which I'm sure you don't want to do.

bishboschone · 18/07/2012 11:31

He is obviously living beyond his means . On a £3750 take home he can easily afford a nice house and car with no mouths to feed . If he is over spending every month that's is his problem . I can never understand how these men get away with not paying . I have loads of friends who have just given up trying to get money . It's not fair !

TheBigJessie · 18/07/2012 11:33

If he's capable of resenting his progeny for 10% of his income, then he will never be a father to your son, money or not!

PrincessFiorimonde · 18/07/2012 11:33

Completely agree with D0oinMeCleanin, and really cba to pay any more attention to the wombs-as-weapons brigade.

OP, please do not offer this man an opt out. You know that, if you do, he will probably make two payments and then stop. So you will then have to fight the same battle all over again.

There is no way on this earth that a £375pm payment is going to ruin the life of someone earning c.£100k pa, unless he has a serious gambling or cocaine habit.

Remember this? I need to focus on the financial advantages I am stealing from DS by not pursuing the CSA.

Re: a book or something to help DS - perhaps if you post in Lone Parents, someone might be able to suggest something?

looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 11:34

Hes paying 1500 a month to the CSA?

Ouch...!

I see the first showings of thread derailment in 'men not entitled to PIV' posts from our wonderful resident feminists.

I'm sure the OP was feeling equally entitled to 'PIV' at the time. Hmm Lets keep it real folks.

shewhowines · 18/07/2012 11:34

Nooo. He'll pay you the new agreed amount for a couple of months and then it'll dry up but be sporadic enough that the CSA won't get back involved. You'll be chasing after him all the time or he'll get away with paying nothing. Let the CSA deal with it then DISENGAGE. You do not need this man in your life but your son does need his money.

THINK OF YOUR SON. - not you or him

tiktok · 18/07/2012 11:37

How much would you think it reasonable for a man on a 6 figure salary to contribute to the well-being and security of 4 children, lookto?

Just interested!

You must have some amount in mind.

Surely.

tiktok · 18/07/2012 11:40

shewhowines - you are right.

One month it will be the fish need a new tank.

Another month, it will be that he forgot.

Another month, he is strapped for cash for some other reason.

Then it will dry up.

That's why the CSA is there, really - puts everything on a smoother, more reliable footing.

catsmother · 18/07/2012 11:40

Xposted ....

Magic, I'm really sorry to say he already resents DS, or at least what he represents - potential curtailment of his freedom and disposable income. As I said before if he had any real interest in forging a relationship with him he'd have done so long before now and even if you were a horrid harpie, he'd have pressed ahead and done everything in his power to see his son. In fact, as you've been entirely open to the idea, what's been stopping him ? The really sad thing is that he just doesn't WANT to, and though I am a huge advocate of fathers seeing their kids (having been through contact/alienation hell with my partner, his mad ex and his kids) I have to say in your shoes however heratbreaking the overall situation is, I'd be thinking that I'd done my best and that by now it was probably about time that I stopped wasting my emotional energy on such a loser .... after all, do you really want someone as callous as that in DS's life ?

I don't know how to help DS through this unfortunately. Thankfully my ex did want to see our son after we split. Maybe the lone parent board would be a good place to start ?

24HourPARDyPerson · 18/07/2012 11:41

This reply has been deleted

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looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 11:41

You don't know hes on a six figure salary. Just a load of posters guessing what hes on doesn't make it a fact. Maybe he works one day per week?

1500 a month is 18k a year. 18k! Thats nearly the average wage!

WhatWouldMargoDo · 18/07/2012 11:42

Op stand up for your ds and his rights to be supported financially by both parents.

As for the rest, I am reporting each and every post on this thread that suggests men should not be responsible for the upkeep of the children they have fathered as I do not think that sort of misogynistic crap has any place on mumsnet. I invite you to join me. It is disgusting how this thread has turned out.

looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 11:42

Ha ha 'big girls'!

The standard of feminism on these boards has fallen woefully. Whatever happened to Dittany?

AbigailAdams · 18/07/2012 11:42

MagicLlama don't back down, don't send the e-mail and don't "meet halfway" as someone upthread suggested. He hasn't met you halfway at any other point and meeting halfway on this point means your son loses out and doesn't get what he is entitled to. Your son is the one with the entitlement here. Not DrArse.

tiktok · 18/07/2012 11:43

Ah, yes.....he works one day a week. That explains why the CSA have calculated his contribution at £375 a month.

Don't be ridiculous.

SoupDragon · 18/07/2012 11:44

What exactly has this got to do with feminism?

bogeyface · 18/07/2012 11:44

You are not ruining his life. He knows that you are easily manipulated through guilt and that is what he is doing.

DISENGAGE.

His life is not your problem and he already resents your son, so you going to the CSA wont change that, but it WILL give your son a better life.

You seem to still be harbouring a hope that he will suddenly turn around and love your son as you do, and want to treat him as you do. But he wont.

This man is a selfish, self absosrbed prick. He doenst love your son, I am sorry to say that, but he doesnt. He doesnt care about him or you and will do anything he can to make sure that your son doesnt affect his life in anyway and that includes playing nasty bastards.

Ignore the messages, dont contact him again and leave the CSA to do their thing. WALK AWAY.

tiktok · 18/07/2012 11:45

Just run with it for the moment, lookto....what amount would you have in mind for the well-being and security of 4 children, then, if the OP's ex did earn what the calculations suggest?

looktoshinford · 18/07/2012 11:45

Nothing at all soup, but I've been here long enough to see the start of a derailment.

It starts with PIV, then moves onto entitlement. By the end, Dr Arse is a rapist.

AbigailAdams · 18/07/2012 11:45

It has everything to do with feminism. Man's sense of entitlement to leave the child rearing and financial security of a child to the woman.

DontmindifIdo · 18/07/2012 11:46

I've just realised, this man is incredibly stupid, he doesn't want to be a 'Dad' yet has managed to produce 4 children.

He is a doctor, did he had a day off on the bit when they learned all about sperm? How did he get to the situation where he has 4 children with different woman who are 'ruining his life' by making him pay for his DC's upkeep? The "woo is me" act is a bit odd from a man who doesn't seem to have made the link between his lack of condom usage and the regular production of children. One accident might be seen as unfortunate, but 4???? This is a man who doesn't think he should be responsible for his behaviour so has continued to act in an irresponsible way.

I wonder if he's realised he should try using contracption with his current girlfriend, or will the OP's DS have yet another half-sibling in 2013 and the OP's Ex be acting all confused that yet another woman wants to "ruin his life"...