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Original poster

To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

618 replies

MagicLlamaStrikesBack · 17/07/2012 10:36

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

OP posts:
WhatWouldMargoDo · 18/07/2012 15:54

The thing is, if op decided she would rather spend her money on dogs and fish and going on holiday instead of feeding, clothing and housing her ds, he would be taken away from her and put into care. She doesn't have that option. That's the 'unfairness' here. Not the fact that women have uteruses and men don't.

Frontline · 18/07/2012 16:01

I told her to delete !

TheBigJessie · 18/07/2012 16:15

I cannot believe that we are arguing on a parenting site whether children have a right to be supported by their parents. That someone is arguing that a parent's new relationship should take precedence over their child! (Although, again, I don't think it's the child maintenance that's damaging his present relationship! I think it's more likely his reluctance to support his son, that is damaging his relationship.)

It doesn't have to be about men versus women. It's about supporting one's children, male or female, regardless of whether you are male or female.

SaggyOldClothCatPuss · 18/07/2012 16:21

I notice that Lookto didn't answer my last question.... Hmm

Dawndonna · 18/07/2012 16:31

Pleasant as always, Lookto.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 18/07/2012 17:25

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Catkinsthecatinthehat · 18/07/2012 17:34

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24HourPARDyPerson · 18/07/2012 17:36

The world is full of fucking eejits.

Or maybe there's just a few, but they get around.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 18/07/2012 17:49

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Socknickingpixie · 18/07/2012 18:10

op as i said yesterday if you give in and if you set a lower ammount by agreement he could either decide to pay it or decide not to the only option you have to make sure you get it is to go back to the csa.

this will just start the whole circle of events again the same stress the same worry ect. why would you even think of doing that to yourself.

chances are he may pay it once or twice or just enough times for the csa to say no hes only xyz in arrears. if they set the ammount and its paid via them you do not need to be involved they enforce it.

think of it this way if a private agreement would work then why dont the other mums with far greater experance of his behaviour and willingness to comply do it? perhaps its because if they dont use the csa then then dont get the money and then all the kids would be going without.

decent men or men who have the ability to be decent dont end up with 4 different kids from 3 different mothers not wanting anything to do with him they also dont end up with the csa having to be involved,they also dont end up choosing to ignore all 4 kids.

fwiw i used to have a private arangement that was sorted via court order now try and remember i am also talking about a higher tax bracket ex h.

he decided that what he wanted to pay was the equilivilent of £100 per month in exchange for this i gave him the house and company obviously we were trying to be decent about things not argue ect his £100 pm was made up of the following £45 cash and school dinner money paid direct to school he was also to buy school uniforms from a shop of his choosing, now what actually happened was as soon as i gave him everything i agreed to he got silly refuseing to pay school or paying really late causing child not to be provided with meals also not bothering to get uniforms and causing massive dramas on my doorstep when i asked him to refund me £3.50 for a pair of school trousers brought at the start of term we went to court 8 times to try and enforce the order the court gave him chance after chance his solisiter told him that the agreement was in his favor the csa would on variation order him to pay me more than he agreed to a week so more than £100 a week as opposed to a month. it cost me a fortune in court costs and he still wouldnt pay the court then told me that it would be easyer for me to enforce by using the csa as any number of ccj's made no difference to him.
i told him in writing that unless he paid what he agreed to,i would go to the csa and they would eventually make him pay xyz he counted on me giving in and not doing it.

im now using the csa i still havent had any money as he owns the company so a attachment to earning is not possible but i am not funding any actions against him and in the end i will get the money even if he dies because its csa priority debt i can collect it out of the sale of my house that i gave to him in exchange for the agreement he couldnt be bothered to pay.

he massively screwed over me and his child (declined to include the adult child we also have).

there are a huge ammount of men who feel its ok to behave like this a huge ammount who do behave like this because we give into them and let them do it.sadly its very clear DrArse is one of these men his elder children and your son are evidence of that.dont be a pushover and dont give him permission to do it any more.

EnterShikari · 18/07/2012 18:27

Catkins I've been on here for a while. My previous name was WhiteWidow, so don't assume.

And if he'd made it clear from the start that he didn't want one, and we'd both used protection but I fell pregnant and wanted to keep, then he could toddle off on his own way. Because I would keep the baby, it doesn't mean I'd hold him responsible. It's not his fault I want to keep it.

EnterShikari · 18/07/2012 18:30

Another like it or lump it attitude that some mums have. If YOU want it then YOU provide for it. It's simple. Whether he stuck his willy in you or not, it doesn't mean that anything that you ALLOW TO HAPPEN AFTER is automatically his to live with. if YOU can't afford to keep it, don't. If you have to rely on the man who doesn't want it then there's a problem.

Have some fucking respect for yourselves instead of clinging on to these men who obviously don't want anything to do with you, and taking their money.

wibblywobbler · 18/07/2012 18:31

I don't get it. Your ex is going to be interested or not in your son regardless of what you do. If you care as much as you say you do about your son, take what is rightfully his, spend what you need to, put the rest away in savings so your son has a bit of money behind him later on in life and the extra opportunities that will bring. Why deny him???

And stop worrying about your bloody ex

wibblywobbler · 18/07/2012 18:33

'it'?? shikari 'it'???

You called a baby it. That says more about you than it does about any of us like it or lump it harpies

helenthemadex · 18/07/2012 18:34

well I have read the whole thread and OP it doesnt matter the circumstances of your ds conception/birth, your ex earns a lot of money and he should support his son financially, it doesnt matter if he doesn't want a relationship with him, that's his loss. The money will be hugely beneficial to your son in later life. Do not feel guilty about this.

EnterShikari · 18/07/2012 18:37

Yes IT, or he/she whichever you prefer for gods sake.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 18/07/2012 18:39

Pathetic attitude to conception, Shikari. I sit around with a womb day in day out and don't get pregnant, no matter how broody (or otherwise) I may feel, because no sperm is getting up in my ladybits. She didn't get pregnant because she "allowed it to happen", she took precautions. They both engaged in sex and it was the fertility of both of them (despite her best efforts), and the proximity of her fertile bits to his that "allowed it to happen", as anyone who isn't a dimwit would realise. There are enough women on here desperate to have a baby - that should make you realise that the would-be mother's thought process is not a significant factor here.

What if a man wanted to have a baby with his partner when she wasn't keen, his condom split and the woman got pregnant. On giving birth to the resulting child she hands it over to the father and refuses to see the baby, pay for it or have anything to do with it at all for the rest of his or her life. Is that fine?

MNHQ
RowanMumsnet · 18/07/2012 18:40

Hello,

We appreciate that this is a thread on which emotions are running high, but please refrain from personal attacks and troll-hunting.

That said, goading and posting to inflame is against our Talk Guidelines, and we will take action when we see it.

Thanks
MNHQ

EnterShikari · 18/07/2012 18:41

Elephants yes that would be fine too, I'm not biased on any side.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 18/07/2012 18:45

ooh my first deletion

I wasn't actually trollhunting, for the record. If I was doing that, I would have brought a bigger net.

TheBigJessie · 18/07/2012 18:50

You seem a bit biased against children. This isn't about men being victimised by women. It's about a man refusing to take care, even financially, of his little boy. Both are male, but I know who I feel more sorry for, and it isn't the grown-up XY chromosomed individual. It's the little XY chromosomed individual. Stop seeing this as a fight against "the feminists". You don't have to be a feminist to believe people should look after their children. It's a general characteristic of humans, because young humans need care for so long. On account of us not being turtles, or fish, whose young hatch, and look after themselves.

sparkybabe · 18/07/2012 18:52

When does a man say he doesn't want the child Shakiri? At conception? Pregnancy? Post-natal (as in the dh who decided that the child was 'hers' when it was -i think- colicky? Or maybe when he/she needs school uniform? university fees? Piano lessons?

When can he walk away from the life he has helped create?

Krumbum · 18/07/2012 18:55

Grrr.. It's not relying on men to have a baby. Why do you think abortion is so simple enter shikari? Have you had one? I for one am pro choice but if I fell pregnant I couldn't go through with an abortion. I tell the people I sleep with that this is the situation, they still choose to have sex with me (we use contraception because we are adults but there is always a risk), if I were to fall pregnant would that be all my fault and therefore not expect anything from the man who made me that way?

oldenglishspangles · 18/07/2012 19:00

The father/ mother (some mothers leave) of a child needs to take financial responsibility for said child whether said child was planned or not. If my son gets a girl pregnant I will be expecting him to take responsibility for said child regardless of his non/relationship with the mother. I am unlikely to have sympathy unless he was wearing a condom and it split. If he is in a short term or casual relationship and not wearing a condom, he is not taking precautions.

EnterShikari · 18/07/2012 19:00

Sparky - if he makes it clear from the start, before conception and when he's told then there you go.

Krumbum - no it wouldn't, but you're forgetting that you have a choice. He has to just go with whatever choice you make. That isn't fair. I've told my partner that if I fall pregnant, despite using protection than I would keep it as I've lost a baby in the past. He doesn't want one. I know he'd support me but if he didn't then I'd be quite happy to let him walk away because IT IS MY CHOICE to keep it and therefore my responsibility. I hold myself accountable for my own actions and don't think anyone else should have to suffer or pay for my decisions.