To say fuck ruining your life, pay some bloody child maintenance

[MagicLlamaStrikesBack]

DS2(7) dad has chosen to have nothing to do with him.

He hasnt seen him now since just after Christmas. Prior to that hes seen him on about 5 occasions in the preceeding 12 months and that is the sum of his involvement in the whole of DSs life to date the fuckwit

Finally after being messed around with I will see him its just very difficult and lifes messy and whines about not knowing him, I in a fit of spiteful temper contacted the CSA in April. I let Ex know, cue a raft of text messages about his life being ruined, how he wouldnt be able afford to live, how selfish I was etc etc. Finally after me ignoring him he stopped texting.

The CSA have been useless a bit slow and its taken them until last week to actually get in contact with him, and ive received 4 missed calls from the Ex over the weekend, followed by a very self pitying facebook message yesterday, saying that they have assessed him at £375 per month!!! This will apparently ruin his life even more than me contacting him to try and get him to see DS did, he will not have any kind of life whilst he has to pay maintenance, it will mean he will lose his house, his partner is on the verge of leaving him because of this crap, he wont even be able to afford his dog, or his gym membership or even his (sob sob cry) fish.

My initial reponse if Fuck the Fuck Off, but I dont actually want to ruin his life, so am wobbling on the verge of backing down as all I wanted was for him to see DS.

I'll tell you SoupDragon

Those hairy man hating feminists have simply gorn too far when they expect men to take control of their own reproductive capabilities.

Yes, you heard me. Take control of their own fertility or deal with the consequences

harpies with wombs as weapons.

looktoshinford - the CSA have made the calculation - not the OP. The CSA will not be guessing. They will have seen evidence of his earnings, taken into consideration the other children he is also contributing too & his pension contributions. The fact that he is paying £1.5k a month total maintenance for all his children shows that he is a high earner!

Lookto, £1500 is at most 25% of his net income. Leaves him £4500 net after he'd paid his minimum legal obligation towards his 4 kids. £6k per month after high rate tax has been paid means Dr Arse most definitely is on a 6 figure salary. So, from that, how much do you think Dr Arse should be paying?

If he is on £100k+ £250 is 2.5%. Stop worrying!
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE stop going round in circles in your head. This is your sons right. Whatever DrArse or anybody else says. He is NEVER GOING TO BE JOBLESS OR HOMELESS. £3k a year is ONE foreign holiday. It's hardly the end of the world!
Do you have any family or friends to support you in this?

Magicllama (great name btw).

In this instance, I recommend that you go through the CSA and don't engage with this idiot. If you're giving him a chance in the the hope he'll do the decent thing, don't bother. He's had 7 years tip do the decent thing and he hasn't bothered.

As part of my work I have to deal with people like your ex and I can categorically state he is trying it on because he knows/thinks you're a soft touch. If he follows the pattern I have seen umpteen times he'll maybe make one or two payments and then stop until he is forced to make another payment. That's what these people are like - they hate having to face up to their financial responsibilities and will try anything to get out of them.

If you try and enter an agreement with him you'll have years of this nonsense. Don't engage and stick to the CSA.

Lookto, did you put your unprotected penis in a vagina? Do you pay for your own children? Did you get royally screwed over?

If I have a car accident when I'm making a trip that I didn't want to do in the first place, it does not absolve me of paying for the damage.

If I buy a second-hand car that I bought 'sold as seen' and then find out that numerous things need repairing to keep the car safe and legal, I don't lose the obligation to do that just because I was arguably sold a dodgy motor.

If I inherit money that I didn't work for or ask for, it does not absolve me of being responsible for tax.

Life is full of things that may not be fair on the people concerned but are designed that way so that the greater good is maintained. If it didn't all hell would break loose. No one would have insurance, everyone would drive round in death traps and no one would pay taxes.

There is a child involved here. Regardless of the circumstances surrounding that child's birth, the child has a RIGHT to be supported by his parents. Any decent person alive would accept, however reluctantly, that the child's right to be supported trumps the adult's right not to be inconvenienced.

This: " the child's right to be supported trumps the adult's right not to be inconvenienced."

Totally.

I'd take the money and send him a condolence card about his poor, starving fish. The man is an arsehole. Stop trying to reason with someone who is at heart unreasonable. He's a nobber. It's sad, but true. Your DS will be ok, because at some point you will, presumably, be in another relationship with a decent sort who will step in and become DS's Dad. Doctor Shitforbrains will never be good enough. Take the money and sleep the sleep of the righteous.

Magic the problem with you giving him an opt out is every time something comes up, like a holiday or new car, he can say he can't give you quite as much this month. You'll be going cap in hand to him. He's already proved to be quite effective in his manipulation of you.

The CSa can reevaluate his earnings each year, so when his salary goes up so does his contribution.

Keep a third party in between you and this man. That's what they're there for. He can plead poverty to them, if he is as poor as he says I'm sure they will listen

You've been given some very good advice Op. It is up to you whether your need to liked, and your dislike of upsetting people, is greater than your need to do the best for you little boy. You are hearing louder, the 2 or 3 peoples voices who are obviously spouting nonsense. What about the screaming masses who are all singing in harmony, the same song. Your son is the only one who matters here. Not you and your need to please. Not Dr Arse.

I think you would be failing in your duty as a mother if you don't help your son to get what he is entitled to.

I'm not going to post anymore because I don't think you want to hear what 99% of people are saying.

Don't let your insecurities and hang ups get in the way of your sons future. He is already being denied an involved dad. It is up to you now to decide if you want to deny him keyboard lessons and/or security for the future. The involvement bit is not in your control. Your sons future is.

Your choice. Are you more worried about what Dr Arse thinks or is your priority your son. A no brainer in my book.

Looktoshineford, he's not being 'fucked over' any more than the op is! Having a baby changes your life. The op's life has been changed much more.
What is your opinion when this happens in countries where abortion isn't legal? As you seem to think that because abortion is legal here it means it's just simple, easy and the obvious choice no matter what the consequences.

Abortion is illegal in Northern Ireland, for example. Fairly close, eh?

Oh don't be so bloody ridiculous looksto.

Don't respond OP.

'Hes paying 1500 a month to the CSA?

Ouch...!'

That's his problem. Not everyone else's fault he can't maintain a relationship with a child or a woman for any sustainable length of time. At this rate you would think he'd be using contraception by now, but i forgot. He shouldn't have to.

Whatever happens i'm sure he won't end up desitute so need to feel sorry for him. He'll probably end up alone. With his fish.

desititute

Bloody hell Can't spell the damn word!

Destitute

Don't forget that he's making his parents choose between seeing him or their grandson. If anyone is controlling here, it's not the OP!

MagicLlama please reread shewhowines post above.

Your priority is your son. Not the ex's lifestyle or your need to be liked and not rock the boat.

Picture your son at 18, trying to start out in life. That's the trade.

MagicLlama - you have done the right thing. Don't get sucked into a debate with him.

What do you really think is more important; your DS or his fish?

Ignore people like lookto who have time and again thrown up erroneous suggestions e.g. how do we know his mortgage isn't high, how do we know that his income is what it is and each time we have shown that there is clear reasoning behind us making the assumptions we are about DrA's income.

He can afford it but he doesn't want to afford it. He doesn't want to acknowledge DS as part of his life at all, not practically, not emotionally and not financially. You have given him ample opportunity to be a part of DS's life and he hasn't taken it so you owe it to your DS to get him the financial support that will enrich his life because he's not going to get the emotional support.

Oh and for lookto, enter etc I am the high earning wife (earning more than DrA) of a SAHD so who do you think will get taken to the cleaners / fucked over etc if we ever split up - its very sexist to assume that men are always the big providers and the little woman is sitting there spending his money.

Excellent post from chaz. Of course he can afford it - he just doesn't want to.

Plus, you'd think a doctor would be up on all this baby making business, don't you. For someone who doesn't want children, he's a bit cavalier with contraception.

Incidentally, has anyone ever seen DrArse and LookToShinford in the same room at the same time ?

MagicLlama - DrArse resent you and your son anyway. He will not resent you any less if you don't make the CSA claim - he'll still resent you and DS, but he'll also think you're a pushover and a fool.

If you're that worried, take the money and keep it in a separate bank account until you have clarified your thoughts.

Looksto - he is not getting fucked over! The CSA decide how much he can afford! I cannot believe you are real.

EnterShakira - Imagine if a man tried to force a woman into having a baby. They're be uproar. refer you to Bogeyfaces reply - bogeyfaceTue 17-Jul-12 23:49:19.

OP

Keep it simple and avoid navel gazing. He fathered your DS and has a legal obligation to contribute to his upbringing, this amount is set by the CSA unless the parties agree the amount amongst themselves.

They decide this amount based on facts not a figure plucked out of the air

Suggest to him he seeks help managing his finances if his life will be ruined by this

I would forget about contact between him and your DS , its sad and harsh but unlikely to change and your DS will adapt to this in time.

In your shoes I would harden up and start protecting yours and your DS best interests rather than endless self examination and questioning about the rights and wrongs of everything.

Good luck you sound lovely and although this period of getting this sorted is painful when the dust settles and you have some extra money coming in to treat DS it will be worth it

Do not back down

I got a small amount for DD via the CSA, approx 1/7th of £375. I had it paid into a seperate account. Paid for a ski-ing trip and another holiday for her and she is currently swanning around europe for a couple of months with the rest of it. I'm by no means rich but could just manage to exclude it from the family budget.

Take the money, use some to fund luxuries for your DS and squirrel the rest away. He will thank you for it.