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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to change our plans for one family?

232 replies

kumakaka · 03/05/2012 10:53

DD is about to turn 12 - her party is the weekend after next. She has recently got into the Back to the Future films and wants a few friends over for a "Back to the Future" themed afternoon/early evening (bit retro I know, but that's what she wants!), the main part of which will be watching the first film. That's fine with me, I think the films are entirely appropriate for that age group.

Anyway, one of her friends is from a very strict religious family. There are many things this girl is not allowed to do, including going anywhere on Sundays. Because of this we are having the party on the Saturday, even though Sunday would actually be more convenient as DD has a sports match on Saturday too.

She sent out an invitation a couple of days ago and most have already replied saying they are looking forward to it. The girl from the religious family sent an email last night - she said that although the party sounds fun and she would like to come, her parents (and her apparently) feel that Back to the Future is not an appropriate choice of film and could we change it?

DD is upset - she wants her friend to come but has been looking forward to this for a while now. I told her to think about it and not reply just yet.

What should we do?

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 03/05/2012 10:56

I'd say no, you can't change the film.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 10:57

That was my instinctive reaction too. I know that I we say that, this girl won't come, and dd really wants her there. She is one of her best friends.

OP posts:
Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 10:57

if we say that, sorry

OP posts:
pictish · 03/05/2012 10:57

Say no obviously.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/05/2012 10:58

Go ahead with your party, the way you initially planned. This family have no right to expect the whole world to revolve around their religious choices.

Am surprised you are even thinking about it. I think it is very rude of them to expect everyone else to change plans in order to accommodate their beliefs. When their dd has a party, they can do what they want, but this is your dd's party and it should be what she wants.

ripsishere · 03/05/2012 10:58

I would also say no to the change of film.
Can your DD and her friend do something different another time?

Shinyshoes1 · 03/05/2012 10:59

Don't change the film, it's your daughters party. Why isn't Back to the Future appropriate Hmm. It's the most inoffensive film ever.

Has the friend suggested an alternative?

pictish · 03/05/2012 10:59

Say that the film is going to remain the same, and that it's a shame she can't attend.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 03/05/2012 10:59

Just say that you appreciate their concerns and will all miss at the party. I would then move the whole thing back to the sunday when you actually wanted to have it in the first place, if it's not too late to do that too.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/05/2012 10:59

I would leave the choice up to your dd, she either chooses another film (bearing in mind that if back to the future isn't allowed then she will probably be reduced to Mary poppins or simelar) or she chooses to stick with it knowing that her friend cant come.

If there will be enough others to make it worthwhile, I think I would be encouraging my dd to stick with Back to the Future. There is nothing wrong with it, and I wouldn't want to send the message that there is something wrong with it by encouraging her to change. She needs to have confidence in the things you do or don't allow, and I don't think bowing down to over zealous parents is a good thing.

KnitterNotTwitter · 03/05/2012 11:00

Can't the friend just leave before the film is put on/arrive after it's been watched?

upahill · 03/05/2012 11:00

No I wouldn't change it.
Definatly not.
Your DD is looking forward to this, you approve, the others are looking forward to it as well so I would leave it as it is.

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 03/05/2012 11:00

No, would the friend change her party at your DD's request? I doubt it. If DD wants her there, just have the film first and then tell her to come over after it's finished so they can all have food and the rest of the party after.

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2012 11:01

Say no

If your DD really wants her there, she'll have to do without and invite her to tea or something on another day.

She'd have to do without her if she was ill or on holiday wouldn't she?

Northernlurker · 03/05/2012 11:01

No don't change the film. Back to the Future is a PG. It's perfectly fine for that age group. What on earth is up with the parents? I speak as a Christian who attends church every Sunday btw.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 11:02

In the past people have changed plans to accomodate this family, and even then the parents will stay at parties to check nothing inappropriate is going on.

DD initially said she can find another film, but then later said she did really want that one.

I thought maybe she could have the girl for a sleepover instead, but they are not allowed sleepovers!

OP posts:
urbanturban · 03/05/2012 11:02

Agree with everyone here, though it is sad for your DD that her friend won't be able to attend. Perhaps have her over for tea sometime after the party?

tara0202 · 03/05/2012 11:02

I wouldn't change the film. I wonder what they would feel is appropriate?!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 03/05/2012 11:03

I actually think the other family have been very rude by asking you to change. It's undermining your parenting, and I would try to discourage this friendship if I could. I appreciate that's very hard to do though.

They should have politely declined. They might be strict and religious, but they have no manners.

Gin30 · 03/05/2012 11:03

Sorry, but why do they think its inapproriate? (I'm trying to think whats offensive in it)

Don't change it.

WhataMistakeaToMakea · 03/05/2012 11:04

Seriously, just tell the parents the film is on at 11am, if you would rather she wasn't there for it then she is more than welcome to come round at 12.30 and enjoy lunch with everyone.

Hullygully · 03/05/2012 11:04

I would ask what it is about the film they object to - perhaps they have made assumptions.

I would then leave the choice up to your dd.

She will have to make these sort of choices throughout life.

OnTheBottomWithAWomansWeekly · 03/05/2012 11:05

Are you going to let the parents stay to supervise the propriety of the party?Hmm

you could leave them there to mind them all and go out yourself

smalltown · 03/05/2012 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
kumakaka · 03/05/2012 11:07

I am Christian too and really don't get that religious "ticking boxes" thing!

We could invite her to come once the film finishes - that's a good idea. I will speak to DD about it later - I assume there will be developments when she comes home anyway as she will have seen her friend at school.

I think the film is fine too but DD thinks this family are opposed to the slight violence and kissing.

She hasn't suggested another film (yet) but that has happened at school - the class were allowed to bring in dvds to watch on the last day of term but they were almost all ruled out by this family and in the end it was basically their dvds which were ok. They couldn't watch Rio as there are women in bikinis!

OP posts:
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